What is it I am looking for?
Sunday, November 30, 2014
If you are my sparkfriend, you may have noticed my absence the last few weeks.
It started with stress -- I was scheduling a large event in honour of Louis Riel Day, which would span eight hours and two separate venues, coordinating speakers, et cetera et cetera. Coinciding with the event, I was also asked to write an article for the local paper. At the same time, I am also working four part time jobs (because I apparently hate myself!) and am a full-time masters student.
So, saying that I was stressed was probably a vast understatement.
As someone who has suffered from anxiety for many years, my main coping mechanism has been avoidance. I always manage to pull it together in the end, it always gets done, but I largely end up hiding under covers watching Netflix.
All of my papers through my almost three university degrees? Started within days if not hours of them being due. In fact, all six masters courses last year? Final papers (15 to 25 pages) started within twenty four hours of their deadline.
This event? Nothing was concrete, including an out-of-province speaker, until a week and a half beforehand. The article for the paper? Written at 4:30 am for the 8 am deadline.
In all of this, the first thing to take a major hit was my working out and eating well. At first, the workouts just slowed, but the last two weeks they have been non-existent. My eating, for the most part, was pretty excellent -- until the last two weeks, when it was rhymes-with-bit.
And I'm still here, still wondering -- what am I looking for? What is it that I need to succeed?
Does drinking that bottle of wine make me happier?
Does eating an entire baguette over a day make me happier?
Does laying on the couch all day watching Netflix make me happier?
Okay, that last one might actually make me happier. A girl needs a little down-time. But I think I really need to re-examine my priorities and figure out what I am looking for. If the mere thought of looking at the scale and seeing a higher number than I see now (or the last time I weighed myself) makes me tear up, maybe those priorities need to become action steps again. Maybe I need to go back to the basics, and drink water, move a little and eat some damn fruit and get over this hump.