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Those Anchors

Thursday, November 20, 2014

In early October, I wrote a blog about my anchors. I kept adding to the list (which started out at about 12, I think) until I had two dozen things that in some way or another "hold me down." Here is the list:

1. My student loan debt
2. My sentimentality
3. My strong sense of nostalgia
4. My dog (hinders traveling)
5. My weight
6. My old clothes that must fit someday
7. My tendency to procrastinate
8. My anxiety
9. My funks
10. My absentmindedness
11. My one-track mind that needs somebody else to point out better ways of doing things
12. My lease
13. My tenants' lease
14. Diet Dr Pepper
15. My "stories" (the TV)
16. My stupid job
17. My income, which is much lower than what I was making before
18. My husband's unemployment
19. My irritability with my husband
20. Keeping grudges - not knowing how to forgive or forget!
21. My inexplicable loathing of my husband's sister-in-law
22. Social media/the Internet (yes, including SP)
23. My lack of momentum and motivation
24. My headaches

I'm glad to say that number 14 is gonzo. I quit drinking pop about a month ago--had one after I got a coupon for a free fountain drink a couple weeks ago, and it's been fine. I still want one everyday, but I haven't had withdrawals or side effects. It's just a "want." I was worried that quitting it would be quite like quitting smoking, with terrible withdrawals and side effects, but no. It's been really okay.

I've lost a little weight since I stopped, too. Last time I quit for a couple weeks, I got down to my lowest weight in years...I've since gained quite a bit, so I can't say the same now! But I wonder if there is something about soda that makes you "hold onto" weight. I'm eating about the same, so I don't really buy that theory about it making you crave sweets. You know the one, "scientists don't know why people who drink diet soda weigh more, but they think..." I also don't really eat sweets, AND when I did crave sweets, a diet soda helped. Or maybe the fact that I accomplished what I considered a pretty difficult goal moves into other parts of my life. Is "If I quit Diet Dr Pepper, I can certainly go to the gym today" or something similar knocking around in my subconscious? I don't know.

Number 12 is almost gone. My lease ends in 10 days. Number 13, too. We (well, the property manager) notified the tenants that they gotta go. We also said that they can leave early without penalty if they give 30 days notice, so I hope they exercise that. They have two kids, so I would imagine it would be easier to move them over the winter break than in the middle of the semester. I don't have kids, so I have no idea--maybe it is easier to move when the kids are gone 7 hours a day! But once they're gone, we're gone, too! Hooray!

Number 16 will be gone soon. I am so excited!! And nervous. I had to take a personal day last week, because I had been panicky for several days about the whole thing. And I got weepy-eyed in front of a coworker who doesn't know what's been going on, so I had to invent a cover story.

Because number 16 is almost gone, number 1 is worse. I had to modify my payment plans, since my income is dropping. But I want very badly to throw all my extra money at that once life gets better. Because it will get better, right? I have to believe this, no?

So I needed to figure out which one I would work on next...or first, really, because the others have been only a matter of time. Even Diet Dr Pepper--I'd been cutting down on it for about four months, because I was terrified of withdrawal from the aspartame. So this is the first one I'm looking at my anchors and saying, "What shall I work on?" And so I did what I normally do when I need to decide something relatively small--I went to a random number generator. And the winner iiiiiiiiiis...number 20! Which is way easier than most to deal with, I think. Some Googling, if that doesn't work, maybe therapy when I'm in a better place. I'll get started right now.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh! I am so sorry that the whole move to Indiana was such a bad experience for you. I am happy to hear that you are going home soon. I pray that once you get settled in, that you have peace. ~hugs~
    1317 days ago
    Great blog, and great comments. I use lists and picking priorities to shape my days and weeks. That random number generator certainly has a gift for picking humdingers! It's a lot of changes and challenges in your future. But they are changes for the better in the long run. Keep working hard and looking forward, and you will soon be crossing off more emoticon items and choosing new anchors to release.
    1334 days ago
    Love your List of Anchors! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your successful journey. Your attitude is great, so you're bound to succeed. Believe it!
    1336 days ago
  • SEAGLASS1215
    I like how you made a list of 'anchors' that hold you down...I may do one of my own because I think seeing them in print will help me deal with them (some, anyway, like my irrational dislike of certain people and my seemingly constant self-sacrifice at work. Thanks for helping me see things in a new light, good luck to you!
    1336 days ago
    BEATLETOT, it sounds as if this is a time of big changes for you. You seem a little anxious, but I think the overall tone here is of hope and excitement. If I were you, I would be excited, too, especially to be making that career change! I know it must be hard to accept the financial uncertainty, but I have a feeling that if you start to do more satisfying work, the other areas of your life will improve as well, and the financial matters will be manageable and cause less worry and stress. (And America needs to LOWER the financial burden on university graduates, by the way!)

    Oh dear, I wish you well on number 20! I have problems with this, too. Thinking about this now makes me realize what a good idea it was for you to make this list. If you don't try to tackle these things consciously, you might end up doing nothing about them at all. There are things from twenty or even thirty years ago that still bother me. Most of my grudges are of more recent origin, but holding on to them is very self-destructive. And in my case, "holding on to grudges" includes a desire for revenge, which I understand is very wrong, not only because we all know that forgiveness is best whenever possible but also because it's energy-draining and time-wasting. I wish you success in removing "grudge" from your emotional landscape. I'd like to do that, too, along with impatience and resentment--not completely possible but it doesn't hurt to try!

    Thanks for this blog. It's an interesting concept. I really enjoy hearing about your progress and look forward to hearing more.
    1337 days ago
    What a great blog this is.
    1. I feel ya with the student loans. I'm pretty lucky that mine were all consolidated at a decent rate and mostly federal ones anyway. I have some friends who have crazzzy loans and I really feel bad for them. I would love to pay mine off sooner, but at this point I feel like it's manageable debt that is OK to have? but hopefully soon I can start throwing more money at it. I just want to save for things like a house that I'll never be able to buy bc I live in stupid Los Angeles. Ok back to you...
    2. Yay to giving up the soda! I actually had a diet dr. pepper last night! I only do that once ina while so it was a treat, but I should prob give them up altogether, too.
    3. Forgiveness/letting go of grudges can be hard. I think it depends on the person you're dealing with/the transgression/etc. As I've gotten older I'm better at just compartmentalizing some of my relationships, and just recognizing that maybe my relationship changed with the person I was mad at -- I won't hate them or hold grudges, but they won't be my BFF anymore either. I guess it depends on the grudges you're holding though!
    1337 days ago
    forgiveness is the HARDEST. but the point of forgiving is to do it when the person doesnt deserve it - its for you to let go and move on. As for the TV I have seen a lot of "commercial break" type exercise plans that are made just for the commercial slots! I truly believe that once you are back home and at a job that makes you happy, things will fall back into place!!! emoticon
    1337 days ago
    Learning forgiveness is top of my list in ways to aid my life and my weight loss. It is hard to believe, but the lack of forgiveness that I show to others, I also show to myself. And, how do I punish myself traditionally? With food. I believe that gorging on food is a way of punishing myself with obesity (and the things that go with that) while convincing myself I am comforting myself. The comfort lasts a moment; the obesity is an all day every day pain.

    So, yes, #20 by all means!
    1337 days ago
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