Lately I feel like I have this secret life that my family doesn't even know about. I feel that while they are supportive of everything that I do they just really have no clue of how badly I want this weight off! I want to be the healthy girl....I'm so tired of being the girl that has the heart of a healthy girl and the body of the fat girl. I know that this is a journey and I am loving the journey, but I just can't wait for the day that my outside body catches up with my inner healthy girl.
I feel this way because yesterday brought the end of our football season. Last week the league took pictures of us on the field and while I had a great game, I look at this picture and all I see is the fat girl! I don't see the girl out having fun with her family, I see the girl that is over weight and wants to be half the size she is now. This is why I don't take pictures, or hide behind someone so that you can't see how large I am. At what point will that feeling go away?
Spring football starts at the end of March and all I can think is using that as my next "mid point" goal. My first mini goal in Jan 1st and that is to be under 200 again, and I'm proud to say that I will hit that without a problem. So my next mini goal is to be at 185 by April 1st. That is an average of one pound a week. I know that I can do that and that is a very healthy goal. I'm not going to sit here and put that I want to drop a crazy amount of weight because that is not realistic. This is going to be a slow process for me and one that I will set without a loop for failure. It may not be an overnight release of my inner skinny girl, but she will slowly come out and as she does all I can say is watch out world she will be out to stay! My family is far to active for me to continue to hide behind the wall of fat.
You would think that with my degree in Psychology that I would have all this figured out by now. That I could pinpoint where the hurt and anger is and fix it so that it all can click and I can drop this weight. That I could find where the guilt, fears and sadness is and heal finally. I laugh sometimes because I can help and motivate so many others and I always take the back seat to myself. Just yesterday I was talking to someone and I told them I was a Beachbody coach and she asked about my sells. I was totally honest with her and said that I was a coach right now for the discount. How can I sit here and tell people the wonders of the product (which there really are a lot) if I do not live that life? I said that my focus has always been on others and I couldn't do that right now. I have to focus on ME, which I have been doing from the start of this month and I have lost weight. I haven't been perfect but I have done it.....and I am NOT stopping my selfish ways until I am at a healthy weight!
This week has been a little challenging for me. Mondays run caused a little pain in my calf and made me sideline for a few days. I taped my leg up for my run on Friday only to get done and walk with a limp. That was enough for me and I took some of my muscle relaxers I had left over from my back injury this summer. I hate medication, my family is full of addicts and because of that I've always been a strong believer of "grin and bare it". However this was keeping me sidelined on my goal of finishing this running program so I said screw it and took the meds. Took them yesterday as prescribed and man did I sleep a lot. Took a great nap after football and went to bed early. However I can say I woke up this morning and can flex my leg with very little pain. I'm going to take them again today and go for a walk at the gym...no running for me today. Tomorrow night is my next run and I know that I will be ready, and so will my calf!
The win is listening to your body and not the inner voice the tries to tell you that you can't do it!
Goals for week 3
1) Shakeology Daily
2) Water....NEED TO GET THIS IN
3) Positive self talk, I have to stop letting the "outer kim" over talk the "inner kim"
4) Prep for the whole day and not just time at work...make dinners healty
5) Running 3 days a week and Piyo 2 days a week. (Sunday is NOT a rest day...get in my steps!)