Yesterday was my daughter's 12th birthday, and for some reason it was crazy hard!
I suppose it was because she's in middle school now, going through puberty, dealing with (and causing. lol) drama.
But yesterday, it was all about missing my baby giggle at something I did...my 1 yr old seeing bubbles for the first time...my 2 yr old squealing at pond fish...my 3 yr old....
You get the picture.
Anyway, I was thinking about the first sentence she ever said. It was "Bless you!". Of course, it came out as "Bess oo!" but, ack! I thought my heart was going to crack! My ex, her and I all have allergy problems now and then, so I guess we were a family of sneezers. And the first time she said it, I ran for the camera, and have a video of me pretend-sneezing and her blessing me and giggling over, and over, and over again.
My mom died not long after I had her- she only met her one time. And I've always wondered if that was on purpose- if I would not had been strong enough to deal with that had I not been preoccupied with this little angel. It's hard to really submerse yourself in grief when big blue eyes are asking you to feed me, hold me, love me.
Before she was born, I started noticing a pattern of 1's. Like an address would be 1111 something, the time would be 1:11 or 11:11 when I looked at the clock. I thought it was a coincidence until a car battery died, and when jumped, the clock read 11:11. Those things are always flashing 12:00!! I read up on it, and if you're at all interested:
I had placenta previa when she was born, and almost died from blood loss. It took the nurses a while before they even asked if I wanted to see her. I got a call the night after she was born, asking if I wanted them to bring her in, and I hung up the phone and ran to the nursery. I knew her, even though I had only seen her for a second. I knew she was mine, and when I held her that night, I remember thinking "It's just you and me, kid". The ex was passed out in the bed next to mine, and I relished being alone with her.
I think the ex and I both knew how that story was going to end, and I had no idea how the future would be, but I knew...I knew it was going to be she and I, forever. And she squeezed my finger so tight just then, and opened her eyes and freaked me the f*ck out- I didn't know babies could do that so soon. And then closed them and fell back asleep.
We've hit a rough patch lately, but I know we'll be ok. I was blessed...am blessed...to have her as a daughter. She changed my life, made it have a meaning I never could have understood.
"Bess oo" indeed.