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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Yesterday was my daughter's 12th birthday, and for some reason it was crazy hard!

I suppose it was because she's in middle school now, going through puberty, dealing with (and causing. lol) drama.

But yesterday, it was all about missing my baby giggle at something I 1 yr old seeing bubbles for the first 2 yr old squealing at pond 3 yr old....

You get the picture.

Anyway, I was thinking about the first sentence she ever said. It was "Bless you!". Of course, it came out as "Bess oo!" but, ack! I thought my heart was going to crack! My ex, her and I all have allergy problems now and then, so I guess we were a family of sneezers. And the first time she said it, I ran for the camera, and have a video of me pretend-sneezing and her blessing me and giggling over, and over, and over again.

My mom died not long after I had her- she only met her one time. And I've always wondered if that was on purpose- if I would not had been strong enough to deal with that had I not been preoccupied with this little angel. It's hard to really submerse yourself in grief when big blue eyes are asking you to feed me, hold me, love me.

Before she was born, I started noticing a pattern of 1's. Like an address would be 1111 something, the time would be 1:11 or 11:11 when I looked at the clock. I thought it was a coincidence until a car battery died, and when jumped, the clock read 11:11. Those things are always flashing 12:00!! I read up on it, and if you're at all interested:


I had placenta previa when she was born, and almost died from blood loss. It took the nurses a while before they even asked if I wanted to see her. I got a call the night after she was born, asking if I wanted them to bring her in, and I hung up the phone and ran to the nursery. I knew her, even though I had only seen her for a second. I knew she was mine, and when I held her that night, I remember thinking "It's just you and me, kid". The ex was passed out in the bed next to mine, and I relished being alone with her.

I think the ex and I both knew how that story was going to end, and I had no idea how the future would be, but I knew...I knew it was going to be she and I, forever. And she squeezed my finger so tight just then, and opened her eyes and freaked me the f*ck out- I didn't know babies could do that so soon. And then closed them and fell back asleep.

We've hit a rough patch lately, but I know we'll be ok. I was have her as a daughter. She changed my life, made it have a meaning I never could have understood.

"Bess oo" indeed.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    This brought tears to my eyes, Sparky. Tears of happiness seeing your absolute love for your daughter, and tears of sadness for feeling like it was just you two against the world. Especially because I know you are so loved and cherished by us. emoticon

    Yeah.. I do get the picture. It's hard watching your babies growing up, and even more so when they're bein' all crazy! Going through puberty with my younger daughter made me want to run away from home on many occasions. Mann.. That was hell. And like Tweston, some days I'd end up in a room by myself, crying. It sounds like you and Emily get along pretty well for the most part, which will make this time a little easier for you. My youngest daughter is EXACTLY like me in temperament, and there's a reason why I always said that if I had to live with somebody just like me, I'd end up in the insane asylum. emoticon

    So hang in there, girl. I promise that it WILL get better. In the meantime, when it gets rough and you feel like running away from home, just take a deep breath, cry if you have to, and repeat the mantra, "This too shall pass." emoticon

    And the drama!! Oh.. gawd. Are all adolescent girls like that?? I don't remember being a crazy drama queen when I was that age, but maybe I just blocked it. My daughters went through that stage, which made it tough because I really hate all that drama stuff. emoticon

    2113 days ago
    Aww, sweetie! You've encountered what I call "horrormones". They grow out of it when they hit 23 or so, lol!
    2113 days ago
    What a lovely tribute to your daughter.
    Happy Birthday to her!
    2113 days ago
    What a wonderful story, Sparky! Just wait until she hits 20! OMG! My BABY is 24!
    2113 days ago
    Wow - what a wonderful blog for all of us moms (and dads) to read because it is so true - they are always ours even when they are off living their own life and it is so wonderful to remember the good during the bad times - as you and others have so nicely put

    Happy birthday to your daughter
    2113 days ago
    Beautiful miracle!! emoticon
    2114 days ago
  • GHK1962
    Well, Happy Belated Birthday to your 12 yr old ... and happy belated birthday to you ... that day it was both your birthdays!

    And like some of the others have said, I would print out what you wrote here ... and tuck it away ... and one day send it to her ... when she is away at college perhaps ... when she needs to see something warm from her mom.

    I don't know what it's like to have a 12 year old girl ... but I know what it's like to have a good mom....and she will realize it too one day.
    2114 days ago
  • HEYRED221
    Beautiful blog - thank you for sharing and I agree with another comment - you need to save this blog for your daughter. She will appreciate it when she gets past this rough patch of puberty.

    2114 days ago
    Your daughter is a lucky one indeed - and it's just as it should be... receiving unconditional & non-ending love from her momma. It IS very hard watching our babies grow up. And right now is a tough time when the hormones start going all crazy and they're not always loving us back the way we need. There have been times Leah has said something that has just cut me to the core & I'll end up in the bathroom crying... and then I shake myself out of it b/c I know she won't truly understand my love for her until she is older. But funny enough - she was born at 1:11 p.m. And to this day, she and I both always seem to look at the clock at 1:11 or 11:11 and she was the one who pointed it out to me & would say, "Make a wish - mom - it's 11:11" .... and now every time I see that time, I just say a little prayer for my little love. Sparky, I know it's not an easy time, but I am so thankful that you have given your whole self to your little love. She will be all the better for it.
    2114 days ago
    Awww so sweet!
    2114 days ago
    My Pheonix
    who rose out of the ashes
    of my wretched existence.
    My little god-smack,
    I am so very grateful for her,
    for who knows what sort of life I would be living
    without the gift of her presence.
    2114 days ago
    You have such a GIANT heart Sparky! I could feel the love for your daughter oozing out as you wrote this and it was truly beautiful. Love the photo! I hope you and your daughter had a beautiful day together yesterday. Well deserved on both sides I am sure. It's funny, your daughter blurts out bess oo and my 3 year old blurts out....desus....desus...desus.....I am a baaaaaaaad mom. It wasn't frequent.....honest! xoxo
    2114 days ago
    Sweet story. Save a copy for when she's over the hormones. emoticon
    2114 days ago
    Oh oh oh this made my cry so beautiful. Save this for her! If my mum ever wrote something so lovely id surely love to read it some day. Seriously though who invented puberty, hormones are a cruel joke I tell ya! Teenage years, difficult, but underneath all the angst she will always be your bess oo emoticon happy 12th birthday to miss minisauraus :)
    2114 days ago
    Great story. Thanks for sharing that. You're a marvelous writer. Also, the stuff on Angel Numbers is pretty freakin' cool. I have a personal number--not the one that numerology websites get from your name, but one that keeps coming up. emoticon
    2114 days ago
    What a beautiful blog, Sparky! All my SparkFriends are making me cry today! I just blubbered over TWESTEN's blog about Ty, and now I'm teary-eyed over your memories of your bundle of joy. I know what you mean about running to the nursery to see your newborn! I remember that! In Japan, they take the babies away from the mothers to spend the first night in the nursery for observation (and to give the mothers a chance to rest, I guess). I HATED that! I didn't want to REST! I wanted to hold the baby non-stop! I wanted them with me the WHOLE TIME! I argued with the nurses, but they stood firm. Hospital rules, they would call the doctor, etc. So the next morning, I remember racing to the nursery before the sun even came up and being ecstatic at being reunited with my babies!

    Thank you, Sparky. It's so good to remember these things, because when children reach the teen years we often need to remember how incredibly much we loved them when they were small. It really helped me so much, especially with my difficult middle child, to remember her as a newborn and how much joy I had felt when I held her alone in a room and quietly said to her what you said to your precious child, "It's just you and me." You and your daughter are so fortunate to have each other and to feel so much love.
    2114 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/28/2014 10:56:49 PM
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