I Eat Because I'm Lonely
Thursday, October 23, 2014
To say I eat because I'm lonely, is not a shocking announcement to anyone especially me. Keeping it in check, is a news flash. When I look back at the pictures of when my dad was first diagnosed with Cancer, you can physically see the painful change, the sicker he got, the bigger I got. With the passing of my mom from diabetic complications it was the same. I ate my emotions, and then I ate through the very real, very strong feelings of loneliness. In the same, tug at your heart hallmark movie, we even lost our sweet little dog, right before my mom passed away. You ever see those headlines when they say "My life is a LIFETIME movie of the week". I could definately be in that category.
I don't play the oh poor me card, everyone has something, and it could always be worse than it is. Getting used to this new normal, is difficult, I was extremely close with my folks. At the end of the day, when I would have been doing something with mom, or dad or talking to her on the phone, and she's not there. The sound of silence screams, and has typically drove me right to the fridge for friendship, and solace.
Of course all good Italian people comfort with food right (I Imagine a bunch of other folks as well).
Learning not to do that, learning to redirect that grief and lonlieness to something positive is an every day struggle. The best way to honor my parents is to live a long, healthy happy productive life. Not sit home, get unhealthy, and die a slow painful complicated death. Yesterday, was a cold and rainy day. Missing my mom so much for no particular reason. I stopped and bought more chinese food than one person or five should consume. With every intention of eating every bit of it.
Something shocking happened. I unpacked all the parts and pieces, with great anticipation. I wanted this and by george I was going to have it. Here's the rub,
as i sat down to the Fred Flinstone meal. After the first bite or two, I just didn't want it. It didn't taste good, it no longer made me feel better. So I threw it out. I don't think I have ever thrown out food like that. I don't think I've ever just not ate it because it's there.
Instead I cried a little, I refocused my attention on the upcoming visit with my God children that always lifts my spirits. Alittle prayer, and the recounting of the blessings that I have. I don't know that the ache that I'm feeling will ever go away. That is the ache that comes with the loss of your parents. But the way I'm dealing with it is changing and that I'm really proud of.
I can hear my mother now, who would be saying to me "You can because you are my daughter"... Thanks mom.