as things slow down
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
I reset all of my sparkpeople streaks on Monday as I've decided to just let go of the past and start over where I am now. I'll take what I've learned and get back on track, but forgive myself my mistakes and move on.
Easier said than done.
I realized this weekend that I've been in a vicious circle of shame and anger toward myself. Life has been super chaotic, but I wasn't putting much effort into checking in with SparkPeople and tracking my food/workouts. I have the apps on my phone for god's sake - I know I can make five minutes to do it. And I've fallen back into that pattern of not tracking what I eat, even on good days, because I don't want to know. If I wasn't taking part in a few challenges, I doubt I would have weighed myself.
The problem with this is that not only am I not taking accountability for things, but I'm treating them like they are things to be ashamed of, which just causes more mental issues, and I end up feeling bad and eating more, but my imagination tends to go to someplace irrationally horrible. So I might go over my calories but because I didn't track it, I convince myself it's a waste and blow more than just that day. Or, in the past, I wouldn't weigh in and just let myself believe I had gained 25 lbs (again irrational, I know) and all is lost.
So this week I'm focusing on two things:
1) accountability to myself. No hiding from scales or trackers or the cold, hard truths of life.
2) forgiving myself mistakes and creating positive mantras to keep with me. It's hard to fight back against the monster voice in my head that likes to tell me I'm a failure and then sits back smugly in satisfaction when I mess up, shouting things like, "See, I told you! I knew you couldn't do it!"
I really appreciate all the comments on my last blog post and I've taken the suggestions to heart, especially focusing small and kicking butt on the small things.
It's time to focus back on me and what I need.