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I Suck.

Friday, October 17, 2014


I'm part of a team now

Go Grey Wolves!

But I am doing NOTHING to help them.

I gained a pound. Not lost a pound. And Ryan is all kinds of pissed off at me.

I do this. Every time. I thought that with all the Sparking I've done, it'd be different.

EVERY TIME I get close to ONEderland, I screw myself over.

EVERY time.

Like I've said in another blog post, I've lost the same bajillion pounds, over and over again.

It's not like I WANT to weigh over 200 pounds....

so WTF??!!

I have psycho-analyzed myself to here and back. I have dispensed advice like I'm a PEZ of weight-loss knowledge.

So I can tell you-

I didn't drink enough water

I didn't get enough steps/ aerobic in

I ate better than last week, but not better enough

What is IT . about 199 that scares me so??

I WANT IT. I want it so bad, it tastes like....

Lasagna. Seriously, I think it's THAT good.

But I STILL f*ck up.

I'm so mad. at myself. and disappointed.

really, really disappointed.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You don't suck, not even a little bit, so no more of that!!

    1lb is not mahoosive, and ups and downs happen to everyone, it does not make you a failure or indeed mean that you don't want it. It's great to be part of a team but please don't stick guilt of letting others down on top of what you already feel, I doubt any of your team mates would want that at all.

    It's odd because I think alot of us have this block about going past a certain number, mine was 175... like clockwork, hit the low 170's and then get 'mysteriously depressed' and regain a minimum of 15, and this last time I regained a grand 40 freakin pounds. It took forever to figure out why I was getting so blocked at that number, but I did figure it out, the 1 billionth time is the charm lol emoticon

    The point is, it happens, it doesn't mean you suck it means you are normal, and it CAN be overcome as long as you keep going, keep trying, you will break through the 200's when you are good and ready to, I KNOW you will. So keep going, it will slot into place.
    2114 days ago
  • WORTHIT2019
    As another member of the Grey Wolves team...I will say this--IT'S ALL GOOD! I am not upset with you at all! Yes, this is a "competition", but when it stops being about my HEALTH and more about WINNING a competition, I will be done with it all. This "competition" is supposed to be about our HEALTH and doing better overall! You've done GREAT and you're going to do great because YOU are worth it! When our focus is on others and not ourselves, we can end up getting caught up in the wrong frame of mind. That's how I got to be 250 pounds in the first place--taking care of everyone BUT me...focus on YOU...YOUR beautiful body that allows you to get up and breathe every day, and gets you from here to there. I TOTALLY get a pity party...I've had more than my fair share over the past months...but kick into gear and make it happen for YOU! REALLY! You have my permission to make this about YOU. Don't allow negativity to take over. Start renewing that brain--every time a negative thought about you comes creeping in, YELL STOP and redirect back to the positive. You CAN do this! Our kids used a rubber band around their wrist to remind them not to think negatively. If they did, they SNAPPED the darn thing to remind them it's NOT acceptable to think that way. It can try that if you want! :)

    HUGS to you, my friend. Get over your funk and remember, YOU'RE AWESOME, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, YOU'RE STRONG, YOU'RE SUCCESSFUL and YOU WILL MAKE THIS HAPPEN because YOU are worth it...
    2115 days ago
    Hey Girl,

    "Your troubles will cease and fortune will smile upon you."

    R.G. ~ Stay

    2115 days ago
  • GHK1962
    Damn. It's always hard to see someone else feel so bad.

    But, what is un-damn, is to see that you have a huge support system here. Your Spark friends are awesome. I read all their comments. And they are letting you know some pretty good things.

    And the reason you have this great support system is because, well, because you Don't suck. Because you are awesome too. (And, I will disagree that you do nothing to help the team. The fact that all your team mates came to rally behind you tells me that you all push and support one another. You DO do things for them ... that is why they do this for you.)

    So yeah, it can be disappointing not getting to that place you so crave. But you will get there. You do not screw up every time. I mean, when you do lose that pound again. Then lose the next. Then you WILL be there right? And "every time" no longer will apply. You'll get there. Yes you will.

    And ... one thing from me. Feeling disappointed is ok. Just try not to get down on yourself for feeling down ok. Take that one off of your plate. Feel like crap. Wake up the next day. Feel a little blechy again, but less than the day before ... then say...eff it. Say... it's time to be okay now.

    2117 days ago
    Ok, You had your pitty party, now suck it up and make it happen tomorrow. You KNOW you can do it! I do, too!

    There is such thing as fear of success. "People don't like me because I am fat. What if I'm no longer fat and they still don't like me?" There are lots of reasons that we sabotage oourselves. Identify and overcome.

    emoticon You can do it, Sparky!
    2118 days ago
    So I've been thinking about you all day!! Hope you're feeling LOADS better! How incredibly inspiring, awesome, cool and whatever else you want to throw at it to see so many of your friends right here so fast to cheer you up!!!

    I'm with STILLMENEWBODY's comment! You'll probs lose that pound with a kick-a** trip to the bathroom!! Still smiling about that one!

    Come on SPARKASAURUS, everybody gets to feel like they suck from time to time-you've had your day, now rock it!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2118 days ago
  • HEYRED221
    emoticon Don't stress - you know you can do it, you know what you are and aren't doing. Sometimes the pressure of a team can make it worse, I am kind of having the same issues with my team challenge. Don't beat yourself up -- you wouldn't take that from anyone else - just work on the issues you know are a challenge. You WILL get there :-)

    2118 days ago
    I am sorry you are feeling like you suck. But guess what? You don't suck. You're just human. Plus one pound could be anything, water, salt or the scale being a butt-head. Try not to let it ruin your day. If most of the time you are making the right choices the scale will eventually move and you will breakthrough the terrifying and beautiful barrier that is 199. Every good choice makes it inevitable. I promise.
    2118 days ago
    Ah, this must be why you are sulking. I know the feeling but don't let it defeat you. You 're my forever badas@ friend and I know you can do this. We all have those sucky weeks when the scale goes in the wrong direction. Just gotta get back up on that proverbial horse and start the next week fresh. Download some new songs for your workout playlist - I know you love music as I do. Whenever I switch up the music it gives me an extra boost. The most important thing I can say to you is that you are worth the effort. Don't let this get you down...use it as a motivator to push yourself a little harder. Love you, girl.
    2118 days ago
    What Sisyphus said emoticon
    I am the same way, though. I lose 1/2 pound and I'm like "OMG at least I lost" but if I gain 1/2 pound, I feel like crap all day.

    It's not logic, but it's 'the feels' of weight loss!

    It will pass and you are on a consistent losing streak overall. You know what you need to do.
    2118 days ago
    11:57:12 minutes! fastest time yet, and that included having to walk 25yrds to catch my breathe up the hill!
    I hope you are feeling better, about things soon. emoticon
    2118 days ago
    Hey girl, dont be dissen my Sparky, cuz mamma said knock you out.

    I don't know if this will help your cause, but I am going to run a mile as fast as I can right now. I mean literally as soon as I get up I am going to put on my shoes and do this mile for you Sparkie. So chin up, and cheer me on like you mean it...not like someone who sucks.

    BTW, I ate like 3-10 chocolate chip cookies in the last 12 hours, So I think I suck worse than you.
    2118 days ago
    I have news for you weren't alone on your 1 pound or more gain this week for OUR GREY WOLVES TEAM! I also gained 1 pound and there were others. This does not mean we let the team down, it means we weren't quite on our game this week. Like you, I would love to be in ONEDERLAND and like you I am a HOP SKIP and a JUMP away from it. Did you say you ate Lasagna? When? Did you know that pasta tends to stick with you longer and is known to show temporary weight gain for a day or so? I bet you will have kissed that pound goodbye in the blink of an eye....or a great bathroom!
    We are so hard on ourselves and it is always easier to console someone else than be kind to our own person. Would you look at me right now and say....Gee SMNB ruined it for our team this week because she gained a freaking pound! would tell me not to worry, that as a team it is the total numbers that count and there are times where we are the ones that helped our team move up in the ranks and on occasion someone elses great losses and efforts carry us for the week as we slipped a little. Being on a team is a motivator and it tends to make us want to strive harder to attain our goals. It doesn't make us infallible, it doesn't create perfection, it helps us to focus. are just as beautiful as you were a day or two haven't popped all of your buttons, burst out of your, ripped the butt out of your pants....right? DR SMNB has confirmed you are going to be just fine! Muwahhhhh!
    2119 days ago
    Are you kidding me? It's one f*cking pound! You can do this! I hate to hear you so sad and frustrated, although I TOTALLY know where you're coming from! Please, find "It's Been Awhile," by Staind. (BTW, it's much more satisfying if you get the explicit version... it's not that bad!) Listen to it, enjoy it, there's always hope!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    2119 days ago
    Sparky, I think most of us here have been in that trough (or crevasse?) where you find yourself at the moment. I mean, being disappointed in yourself, or mad at yourself, or baffled at yourself. It feels bad. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. How about looking again at the fact that you HAVE lost weight since you got here? That you HAVE been motivated most days. That you HAVE stopped liking chili dogs! That just the other day you were a little happier at what you saw in the mirror (rearview, right?)! That you HAVE thought about how you want to live a long, healthy life so that you can stay a long time with your beautiful daughter, who when she sees you runs joyfully toward you, just like Phoebe! That you HAVE shared some inspiring, funny, sad, moving stories with us that have made our lives richer and much more fun, even though we have never met you in person and might never be able to. It's okay to be down, Sparky. We've all been through it. Just please don't be down forever! Come here and let us cheer you up! I hope you'll soon be out of the dark place and into the light!
    2119 days ago
    Aw, sweetie, been there, done that, lost & regained ... It's a progression. I'm not where I want ot be, but I'm better than I was. That's the important part - I'm better than I was. Hugs, atta grrls, and all that to ya!
    2119 days ago
    Sending you email.
    2119 days ago
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