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Monday, September 29, 2014

Hi Friends!

NOTE: I wrote this a few days ago... just finished the entry:

Well, today (09/26/2014) was my 3 year surgiversary from having my WLS.
UN-happy surgiversary to me!!

YES, 3 years ago today I had weight loss surgery. I went in thinking it was going to be the best day of my life! I was finally doing this, finally breaking out of my fat shell and going to know what it's like to be thin!

I was wrong...

This was my heaviest recorded: 467 lbs!

This was the thinnest I ever remember being: (in high school) about 180 lbs.

As an adult I have never been under 200 but once. The day I went to the doctor to find out I was pregnant with my first child I weighed 199 lbs. I was overjoyed... for about 30 seconds. Three babies and 2 of them high risk, later, I weighed almost 300. But it wasn't babies, it was depression, bad marriage years, and allowing negative people to rule my life that got me to the nightmare that was 467 lbs.

Here are some highlights:

I lost 107 lbs before surgery:

I didn't see a whole lot of difference... but it was there!

...and here I was at the most I had lost:

Nice comparison huh? I used to wear those pants... I still keep them to pull them out and look at them periodically... they speak volumes!

So, here I am today:

Yea, I still don't like taking pictures... can you tell? emoticon

OK, so yes, I have gained some of my weight back in the last 2 years. I have had a rough few years, and I feel like I am trying to pick up the pieces, but I had a hard time getting going again because I felt like a failure.

However, it hit me today; many people deal with let down and just let the ball drop. I guess I never have really been that way completely, I may feel down for a while, but I am never out. Depression I have dealt with, yes! Negative people all around me I have dealt with, yes! However, one thing I have learned in my life is that when one thing does not work, you push toward another, and another, and another till SOMETHING works for you! Some may say the WLS didn't work for me because I didn't let it. Well, that's not true, it was not a very good option for me as it turned out, but I tried hard... VERY hard.

Now, don't get me wrong, it is a great tool for others, sure! It just wasn't such a great tool for me.

So, what do you do when the tool doesn't fit the job, you find another tool, right?

So, I have found a tool that works for me, it actually was the tool I used before surgery to lose the 107 lbs that I lost pre-surgery.

Although, I was so scared that I would not be able to keep the weight off again, like before. I was told that you have a greater chance of keeping it off when you have the surgery... so I did. However, actually having the surgery only kept me from continuing to eat healthy and actually stopped my weight loss. After that I just got depressed again, felt like a failure and quit...

But my mind never quit. I never quit WANTING to be thin, never quit YEARNING for that which I truly wanted in my life for me. I never quit wanting it THAT BAD!!!

So, I failed... or did I really?

SOOO, I am not going to let it get me down! If anything, it has charged me to keep pushing forward.

I will get this done!

I will!

I will!

~ Kat
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