Back on Track (Again!)
Saturday, September 20, 2014
As usual, I had my day all planned before I even got out of bed this morning. I was going to get up, grab a yogurt for breakfast, and then wake up my boyfriend to help him get ready for work. Once he was out the door I would wake up my daughter, fix her breakfast, get her fed, cleaned up, then dressed for school. After I dropped her off I would walk home, work out on the elliptical for an hour, wash my hair and clean my house. All of this would be done by Noon, giving me the rest of the day to play by ear.
Unfortunately, things didn't work out as planned. My daughter (who has apparently caught a cold) was too sick to go to school today. She was too sick to get out of bed. She was too sick to leave me much time to do anything besides rock her in my arms and pray for the benadryl to relieve some of her horrible cough. Like any mother I hate seeing my child suffer. Every time she gets sick I pray that God will give me her illness so that she can be pain free. But, not all of my feelings are as noble as this one. I also want my child to feel better so that I can have some time to myself. An hour to workout or check in with my sparkfriends. A moment to wash my hair. A few minutes to eat lunch without hearing, "Mommy, mommy" and having to run back to her room. And those feelings make me feel like the worst mother in the world. How dare I not want to be at my daughter's beck and call? How dare I secretly wish to have my own needs fulfilled as well hers?
Guilt and shame are two of the biggest reasons I overeat. When I have feelings I don't know what to do with, when I feel emotions that I think must prove me to be the most terrible person to ever walk the planet, I beat myself up and then soothe myself with food.
I don't want to live like this anymore. So, in addition to being in therapy, I'm giving sparkpeople another try to assist me in living the kind of life I KNOW I'm capable of leading. Specifically, I'm doing the Biggest Loser Challenge for the next 12 weeks. I hope it can teach me to manage my emotions in a more efficient manner along with providing me with the nutritional tools to help me get the weight off for good. It's going to be a long journey, with lots of crappy days (like the one i had today), amazing days, and I'm sure, plenty of days in between. I won't be perfect but I WILL be honest (for example, in lieu of the soup and salad I'd planned on eating today, I ate my weight in potato chips and string cheese, rushing through each mouthful in an effort to get back to my child). Today's over and done with but tomorrow's another day.
Another opportunity to LEARN from today's mistakes and hopefully, get things right.