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A ghost in your machine.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Hey every one, I have been meaning to get time to sit down and talk to you all for quite some while, but being me it always takes me a long time to just pull up a chair and join the party. well here I am.

So its been a while I think I last told you about my exciting news about my story being read on Canada's Vinyl Cafe, some time next spring. I am still on a high from that which is probably why I haven't really done much writing since just a few poems and that's been about it really. But then this past year has really been a vast struggle for me. I find it hard to find the words but I need to be honest with you- my depression has been really bad, so bad I spent most of the spring in hospital and I can feel my self unwinding again, there I said it. I love spark and I love being a part of it all and I sometimes get so very low and lonely that I find I am frozen and can't add my thoughts to any of the groups I am in. I do read everything but putting my two penny's worth in is so difficult at times. But I am here, as a ghost in the back ground busy burning the calories and working my job and fixing up the house, (its falling down) and eating far far too much. But I am here.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • -SUSANO-
    Keep sharing with us and we will do all we can to help emoticon
    1897 days ago
  • LABRYS32726
    Good to hear from you! I struggle a lot with what I term "angst" but worry could be depression. I just keep going, putting one foot in front of the other, and plan on feeling better at some point ahead. Just yesterday I blogged about my feelings of frustration and that I may indeed be a lunatic just holding the behavior in emoticon .

    It's good to just keep moving and doing what you are capable of. I hope you will be able to do that without having any further hospitalization. BUT, if you do, then you know that is what you need to do to get past it.

    Hang in there! emoticon
    1905 days ago
  • BBEAGAN
    Depression is brutally immobilizing... Good for you staying with SP as a lurker, even when you don't feel like posting for months at a time...
    1907 days ago
  • HIPPICHICK1
    Wow!! That is amazing news! Congrats!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    I am big fan of the Vinyl Cafe and I'm always delighted when I catch it on the radio. I have a little transistor radio that I use in the pottery and CBC is my favorite station.
    emoticon emoticon
    I'm so sorry to hear about your depression. I kind of know how you feel. I was so depressed and anxiety-ridden that at one point I considered the concept of just not being around anymore. It started to look better and better. I never really contemplated suicide, but I was starting to think an early death wouldn't be so bad. That's when I knew something was really wrong. I decided to take care of my brain my taking care of what I ate. Specifically, I credit my recovery to three things: no sugar, no wheat and a cleanse to rid myself of toxins. I had to ramp up to eliminating a lot of food from my diet, but once I did the depression went away and the anxiety stopped, over time and gently, until one day I noticed that things were just so much better and I was starting to feel like being social again. And I was much nicer to myself and to my husband. You might want to consider getting rid of sugar, in baby steps as per Spark prescription. Google "sugar and depression" and see what you get.
    emoticon
    1907 days ago
  • MAWMAW101
    Be sure to know you helped lots of people with your honesty and you are in my thoughts and prayers as well. Take care of yourself in any way possible and know we are always here!
    emoticon emoticon
    Phyllis~~
    1907 days ago
  • BROOKLYN_BORN
    Hi Sarah,
    I glad to know you're still out there. Some days I just read SP even if I don't have much to add myself. Whatever I do, it helps me to log in and know that sparkers are still out there, some more active than others.

    It's like a safe haven - someplace I know I can return if I want/need too.

    Hang in there.
    Eileen
    1907 days ago
  • DSJB9999
    Sarah don't worry about joining the SPARK regularly, sometimes just reading stories and ideas can be enough to keep me grounded too! Someone will always be here for you when/if you need us. You are FAR more valuable than a ghost. Hope the house is coming along as you would like it too. emoticon emoticon Donna x
    1908 days ago
  • SHAMROCKY2K
    You realize more than most about yourself. You put yourself out there.. a great step. One thing I do know is that whatever exercise you like.. a walk.. dancing up a storm.. can help. Of course WE will be here for you. I could not have gotten through one particular time without my spark friends.
    emoticon emoticon
    1908 days ago
  • DEBIGENE
    Always know that we are here and I for one will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. I do not know this kind of depression but it seems it is very common. I have no advise on this matter but I'm sure you know what needs to be done. Do it my friend, whatever it takes, don't let it take you !!!

    I am here if you want to talk. I support you and care about you. emoticon
    1908 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/16/2014 8:02:10 PM
  • FLO1389
    emoticon
    I hear you hard for us as we get older and things are strained, makes you even more depressed. I will keep you in my prayers.

    good you keep trying that is all we can do. Flo
    1908 days ago
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