Stopping my Slow Suicide by Spoon

Saturday, September 13, 2014

First, I want to state that I am fully aware each overweight / obese person has an individual story and reasons for being overweight / obese.

I don't know the exact reason I binge and consistently reach for food when emotional. I do know it started when I was 8. I would hide food, overeat, feel guilty then start the cycle again the next day.

Sounds familiar?

It does to me as well. Here I am at 35 and still battling what I today began to call 'my slow suicide by spoon'. I have gained and lost weight all my life. Again, does that sound familiar?


It sucks.

In April of 2013, I completed a half marathon. I had shed nearly 100 pounds and thought I had this weight issue licked. Sound familiar?

Well, when negative emotions hit me hard after the half marathon, I did not have my weight problem licked. Instead, I was licking every spoon I could find. My weight skyrocketed and now I am at nearly my peak weight from 3 years ago.

This morning, I had a revelation. I took part in a Suicide Prevention walk with my mother in law. Before the walk, 3 survivors of suicide shared their stories. As I stood there with my history of a suicide attempt, hospitalization and ongoing struggles with suicide ideation, I realized that I have been


that I wasn't hurting my loved ones because I am on medication and no longer in the depths of depression.

But I am hurting them. I am hurting them with each binge, with each time I hide food and drown my emotions in food.

Because compulsive overeating will led to an early grave. Binging will take me from them just as surely as suicide.

So, I am saying


I am saying YES to life.

I am saying HELL YES I need help.

My goals are simple for the next 7 days.

Log my food.

Get 5,000 steps a day.

Find/make appointment for a specialist in eating disorders.

Today I stop my slow suicide by spoon. I am taking the first, very scary step toward TRULY dealing with my emotional eating. My obesity won't be cured by fitness goals, food tracking or all the spark support in the world.

My emotional eating will never be cured because I am a food addict. What I CAN do is admit my complete inability to control my eating and seek help.

I am scared. I am anxious. I bravely say............

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I forgot I had read this amazing blog. Wondering how you are, my friend. Hoping you are making progress and nurturing hope. Would love to hear from you. Take excellent care.

    Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon
    1933 days ago
    Very honest blog. Thank you for sharing it. Good luck and I hope you find a specialist that clicks with you. Hang in there!
    2366 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2397 days ago
    Okay, Alayna, you know you can do this!!! The path is not easy but each step, each day brings you closer to your goal.

    You are a beautiful person. Don't let all the negativity into your life.


    2400 days ago
    I am very inspired by your honesty, courage and insight. You obviously have great resolve, and can do what you set out to do, hence the 100 pound weight loss and running the 1/2 marathon. It will be great fun to cheer you on as you turn this around!
    2402 days ago
    Beautiful and brave, my friend. emoticon
    Epiphanies can be painful, but they point the way toward Freedom, and I truly believe that is where you are headed.
    It won't be a fast journey or an easy one, but it can be a joyous one as you courageously "change the things you can" one step, one day, one choice at a time.
    You are a beloved child of God/the Goddess and you deserve the best in life, and your family and friends deserve to enjoy you for many years to come.
    Sending prayers, best wishes and love always. Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon
    2402 days ago
    Glad you shared this I did a 5 K Saturday with Racey (My part time dog) with a Spark Friend on the East coast and me on the west in the walk out of Darkness she was doing for her son she lost in May to suicide. and i have lost a friend I worked with to suicide years ago my cousins ex husband committed suicide in back in the 1970's you are brave to share and know you are in my prayers as you struggle with this issue you can do this challenge hugs to you and your family. emoticon
    2402 days ago
    I'm giving this blog my "LIKE" vote because it truly deserves a broader audience. It is SO true that compulsive and emotional overeating is very much "slow suicide by spoon"... and those of us who are "in recovery" (and I say that advisedly, because there is no "cured") have to recognize the patterns. I certainly do!

    So preach on, Sista! Totally agree, totally working on it! emoticon
    2402 days ago
  • INTRINSIC_2015
    Alayna, I think we are both ready to take the first steps back to healthy living. But what we need to remember is that we should do it for us. Ourselves, not anyone else. Even though we do love our children, families, and friends... We need to just stop and focus on one person. For you, that's YOU. And for me, it's ME. If you'd like to set up a way to share goals and objectives. Either here on Spark, or on facebook, or in private emails, then please let me know. I'd like to help. I'm wondering if we can try a different approach this time around. Something that will stick. Something that won't overwhelm us, so that we don't get discouraged. What do you think? I'm so glad you're ready to jump back into this journey. I am, too. We can do this!

    emoticon emoticon
    2403 days ago
    All I can say, Alayna, is you are brave to confront, take action and HELP OTHERS by this blog.

    My life has been impacted by suicide in family and it hurts. I am so proud of you for not only doing this for YOU -- making your life over -- but I am happy for your family as well.

    Many hugs and prayers.
    2403 days ago
    My life has not been impacted by suicides, attempts or thoughts, nor have those in my close circles, thankfully, so I never really gave that much thought, even in terms of how one treats one's body every day - your post has certainly provided an interesting insight ("food for thought", as it were)......

    I admire your strength and courage as you face your issues head-on - and that's really the best way to work on them, IMHO........

    Continue to fight that good fight - emoticon
    2403 days ago
    Wow - you are so brave and you can do this!
    2403 days ago
    Alayna, you're in my prayers!
    You are a courageous woman!
    2403 days ago
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