The Land of Use To

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

9-13-14 (Courtney)
Main: Figure out your "real" goal weight by determining your current lean mass and adding a healthy body fat percentage to that number. For example:
Current lean mass: 125
Estimated body fat percentage at goal weight: 25%
"Real" goal weight: 125 + 25% = 156.25
* Obviously this will just be an initial estimate since lean mass may increase as one loses weight and gains muscle. (It may also decrease, but hopefully not - we want to keep all that muscle!)
Bonus: Blog about your thoughts on this (potentially) new goal weight. Also, review your end-of-challenge goal weight and adjust it if needed.

My "Real" goal weight is 100.88 Let me just say I immediately started crying. So many emotions coming on at once. I remember that weight and how hard it was to stay between 95 and 105lbs. I had a very physical job, walked to and from work, hiked, biked, canoed on the weekends, and was always hungry. The struggle of maintaining that weight was all consuming. I think what was bringing me to tears was Reliving THE LAND OF USE TO. I use to be fit. I use to be pretty. I use to be wanted. I use to be adored. I use to feel I could get anything and anybody I wanted. I use to get any job I set out to get. I use to be confident. I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE!

I live here now. 32 years later I'm here. Unfit, unhealthy, struggling with staying confident, feeling ugly, unwanted and a lot of times deflated. The bad things that I endured got the better of me . I was sexually abused by my sister's fiancé at 11. Then again at 14, by then they were married. My sister and her husband continually said I would be pregnant by 13. I was still outgoing and they thought I didn't know how to say no. I was date raped at 19 and had just had surgery with the bandages and stitches still on. He's dead by the way. I started living with my boyfriend at 18 and he then proceeded to beat me and verbally abuse me. I just didn't know how to react. I just took it and before you know it I was convinced it was all my fault. I did try to fight back and after 4yrs I finally left. I then proceeded to find another abuser. I didn't know any other way to be in the world. I also was very into drinking and drugging. Over the next 25yrs I was addicted to many different things. I would leave one drug alone and move on to the next high. I did manage to find a good gut to live with for a few yrs who did teach me about real love. After leaving him I went back to the abusers. It was when I was with him that I gained about 50 lbs. When I left him and went back around old family and friends most of them didn't recognize me. One ex didn't know who I was until I laughed. He said "Sherry" I said yes please don't say anything. It was so humiliating to show myself to people. I just wanted to crawl in a corner and die. I have been in and out of psych wards a couple of times. Anyway, as I said I live here now. Today, knowing I can never be abused again, knowing I have a lot to offer, and trying my a** off to get healthy. I have to admit I still want to feel pretty. I am making better choices in all aspects' of my life. I still struggle with self worth and am really starting to feel the loneliness set in. I am trying very hard to make more connections with people. I am a loner but, I use to be able to have the confidence to jump right in a social situation. I'll get there. As most of us in this struggle of life we have to continually adjust to THE LAND OF NOW. We are who we are. I need to accept who I am now. I have done some great things with my life and am trying to keep those in the forethoughts of my mind. My goal weight is 125lbs. I remember being that weight and picked it because that's where my body tended to want to be.

I know I had a hard time with this challenge because I have tried to learn to stay in the here and now. I am a dweller and if you live NOW you have no regrets and you get to start new everyday. I don't want to turn around and live in the land of use to.

My next blog will be about my camping trip and my first hike in 30 years!!! WOW
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ROBEC4175
    Hello LadySherry...just bounced over here after looking back at my blogs and seeing you had left a nice comment for me several months back. I wanted to check in on you. I can be a loner too and we have to be careful not to isolate ourselves.

    I love Unicorn212's message. You've got this, girl! Leave the past where it belongs and make your present whatever you want it to be.
    2405 days ago
  • UNICORN212
    Wow, Sherry! You are truly a survivor! Don't think on the things that used to drag you down - think on the strength to acquired to make it this far! Smile, girl - you've got this!
    2477 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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