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Starting over vs Continuing. A new beginning for me.

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Tuesday, September 02, 2014

I’ve said before I would never “start over” - just “continue”. Well, I’m beginning to doubt that strategy.

Last year I lost 98 pounds - I’ve gained 64 pounds of that back.

I’ve messed up so bad in the last few months that to continue as I am now will be slow suicide. I’ve regained most of my weight - that has depressed me terribly. I’ve lost contact with friends because I’ve been ashamed of my weight gain. More depression. Even though spark friends have contacted me - I’ve been “avoiding” them because I am so sure they will be ashamed to know me once they realize how much weight I’ve gained back and how horrible I look.

I’ve always wanted to be an inspiration to people. At this point in my journey I can’t even be an inspiration to my dog.

The only hope I have now is a NEW BEGINNING. I never really thought that you could do that, but I’ve learned through church and my wonderful pastor that you really can have a New beginning. As a matter of fact - the motto of our church is “A place for new beginnings.” Now I know the church is talking about the spiritual but I believe that the same thing holds true for the physical as well. I simply MUST start over with a new beginning because to continue at this point will put me in a very bad place.

I am including a photo here because I desperately need the accountability. After taking screen shots of all the lovely comments - I have deleted all my old photos except those where I weigh more than I do now.

I am hoping that by opening up in this blog that I will be drawn back into the Spark fold. Please bear with me as I try to sort out this mess.

To all my friends….thank you for keeping me in your thoughts - I am going to try to get back to the Sparking level I was before - I miss you “guys”

To anyone reading this that has regained like I have...don’t avoid people like I have. Jump back in and get going again…If you stay away because you have gained you will continue to gain and the only thing you will lose is yourself.

Big Hugs to all

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    'Start Over' seems to have been my middle name for years now.

    Anyways. I hope you are seeing your friends again. They are not going to judge you.
    1101 days ago
    Well done for starting over! emoticon
    1226 days ago
    Yes, ours is the God of 'second chances'...and third and fourth and however many we need to get to where He knows we belong.
    1261 days ago
    There's no better place to be than among your Spark friends.
    1298 days ago
    Don't ever give up. It's never failure until you give up completely. I'm so glad that you decided to have a new beginning. I am proud of you for having the courage to be so honest about how you feel and how down you've been. I'm also proud that you decided to beginning anew. No one should ever feel ashamed of you for gaining weight, including you. Losing weight and keeping it off is hard. And dealing with the emotions that go along with it all, even harder.

    So glad you've found comfort and support in your Church.

    God bless you on your journey!
    1303 days ago
    Keep on keeping on, never give up!
    1309 days ago
    1324 days ago
    1336 days ago
  • B-N-ME
    You are an inspiration. Don't ever let being normal which for many means we take a step backwards once in a while make you feel ashamed or that others will feel that way about you.
    Be proud to take the stand you have, know you can do this!
    We believe in you!
    I look forward to your next blog and next weight loss picture!!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1338 days ago
    Being a friend does not mean only skinny people can have or be friends! Real friends see us from the Inside out. I believe you are one of those Real spark friends and that you have Real spark friends who see you from the inside out!

    By the way, I have regained most of my lost wt too but I'm having a new begining and The Lord has been showing me some wt loss secrets one of them being allow Him to change me and my appetites. Just rest in Him.
    1341 days ago
    I get where you are coming from because I am going to the same thing. If it's okay with you I would to add you as one of my spark friends. Thank you for being saw open about something we are all too familiar with. emoticon
    1342 days ago
    Don't be so hard on yourself...

    Your mind hears everything that you think...

    This is something that I learned just a few days ago...

    I told myself that...

    I was being super hard on my own self... I told myself that I would not be this harsh on another person... so I shouldn't be so hard on own self... with the way that I was thinking inside my own head...

    I was really a mess a few days ago... then I finally realize that I needed to be more positive and stop doubting myself... I had a lot of negative thinking as well... I made up my mind to stop doing this... because it was not going to help me out with my goals and weight lost....
    1343 days ago

    You know...

    I know how it feels with avoiding friends because you gained weight... and hiding out because of being embarrassed... I know more than anyone what your going through... and how your feeling... I lost a lot of weight... than over time which seems like it did not take very long at all.. before I knew it... I gained all the weight that I lost and worked hard for... to only triple my weight gain... in a very very very high number... I also wanted to be an inspiration to others... and I felt like I let a lot of people down... but over time... I got back on track and realized that... its happens to the best of us... because life is a roller coaster.... and it can toss us around and around... I don't understand how people can maintain their weight or even stay at a level with their weight where they don't have to worry about anything... because major things can happen... to put on pounds... then finding time to work out...

    But I know how you feel and going through... *Smiles*
    1343 days ago
  • DOTTY7267
    Congratulations on your New Beginning! You will succeed and reach your goals that you have set forth for yourself. Look forward to your many successes in the future.
    1343 days ago
    You can do it. Just never give up!
    1343 days ago
    I share your story and am inspired by your words. I have been avoiding friends in real life and in my Spark life! I dropped off Spark for a while and then returned under a different name. I haven't contacted any old friends due to the shame and guilt I feel. I do well for a few days and then fall apart.
    Your words have helped me know that I'm not alone in this struggle.
    Thank you.

    1345 days ago
    You ARE an inspiration!! emoticon
    1345 days ago
    WildKat - Would you believe you are such an inspiration to me and my journey that I was literally drawn back to sparkpeople and the teams because I wanted to see how you were doing? I know that this is a journey about me and in one of area of my life I am suppose to be "selfish" I still wanted to know how you were doing. And guess what you showed you don't have to perfect and on top of things to continue "sparking". Over the last 6 months since I left Sparkpeople I gained 40 pounds. I now have new highest weight but I am slowing finding that I am wanting to do better. And I come on here and see how raw and open you are about what is going one that I am amazed! I wish I could be an inspiration like that. (And I understand if you might not remember me, I'm pretty forgettable)
    1346 days ago
  • EDEN30
    I have been there done that and I have been there done that too many times. I can't speak for others but there are other people like you that have lost and gained back. Heck I lost almost 100 lbs back in 2009 gained all and more back. And now i am struggling myself but I had a wake up call and I am back to doing what I need to do for health. I would love to be your support and talk to you heck I need all the spark buddies I can get. I can't say it would be easy for me to respond back right away but i am not staying away for the almost year I just did.
    You can do it.
    We All CAN DO IT emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1347 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    There is nothing wrong with starting over, it takes courage and determination to pick yourself back up and declare war once again! YOu can do this, you have done it before and I am sure you will do it again! One day at a time, one choice at a time.
    Best of luck on your journey!
    1348 days ago
    Wow---what support you have here ....... (me too) And I have found sparks people to be so NON judgmental but supportive ......... you are never alone and many ........ will always have your back .............. so anything I can do or we .......... I think you have a big base of supporting people .................. emoticon
    1348 days ago
    emoticon I feel as if I am in the same place as you are right now as I move forward in my journey. I will keep in contact with you because I believe we can motivate each other to make our weight loss a reality.
    Peace and blessing in your new beginning. emoticon
    Carolyn emoticon
    1348 days ago
  • JEB03253
    I am really good and loosing and gaining weight. I began again 5 days ago and am concentrating on changes that I can live with for life.

    1349 days ago
    Everyday we get the chance to start new. A Brand New Day. The Lord does not want us to hold on to our stuff. He wants us to give it to him. Let us be a help to you and then when it's time you can give back. That's how it works we give you give. It can never be one way with each other. Good luck. Glad you're back
    1350 days ago
    Never let a set-back be a reason to give up. Giving up is the only failure. We all backslide sometimes. Welcome back to the program. Just keep looking toward your goal and eventually you will get there!
    1350 days ago
  • G33K10V3
    Every day is a new day and a new chance to go the right direction. Focus on TODAY and making the right choices. You can do it! Don't be ashamed just learn from your mistakes and stop repeating them. You do have the power inside you to change your life forever! emoticon
    1350 days ago
    I have been at the same weight for a year, I lost 58 lbs. the gained back 37lbs. Now I am back down 19 lbs. and still working on the loss. Its back and forth each week, but just stick to it and it will come off. Good luck! emoticon
    1350 days ago
  • ZELDA13
    OK. But you are starting again! Kudos to you for doing that. I have a hard time staying motivated. I have gained 8 pounds and am embarrassed by that. I do not want to adjust my tracker, I want to lose it again and go on from there. If I don't do it now it will be 12 then 15 then 20 pounds. I give you credit. We all have some glitches and you'll overcome this one.
    1350 days ago
    I could have written this too. I'm on my final weight loss journey! I am running out of time. You see I turned 59+1 in February and was "encouraged" by two wonderful doctors to "work" on my weight. I left the doctor's office that day and cried all the way home - I hated myself that much but it stirred something in me. I knew at that moment that God was leading me in the right direction. I'm sorry to say I'm not a religious person but the feeling was so strong I couldn't ignore it. I made a vow to myself at that moment that I would not leave this earth a morbidly obese person. That was 58 pounds and seven months ago and I've never looked back. I realized I don't have forever to get healthy - where did sixty years go?

    My point here is that for me I had to find a place in my heart and mind that I could go to when I needed strength. For me that was a humiliating experience with my weight that so affected me that it changed the way I look at food. Now when necessary I go there to push me forward - works every time!

    Find something in your life that you never want to revisit again and use that as your motivator. You can do this because believe me, if I can do it, so can you! Know that fluctuating is absolutely normal and move past it, eventually the numbers will drop but really don't make it about the number - make it about regaining your health.

    Good luck to you!👍
    1351 days ago
    emoticon emoticon We are all human.
    1351 days ago
    I understand what you're going through all too well. I'm actually starting over too-as of yesterday. You're not alone. Just know that you have TONS of support here on SP as well as motivation to help keep you going!! We're all here for each other! YOU CAN DO THIS! emoticon emoticon
    1351 days ago
    Hey, the only failure is one who never tries to begin with. So you got off track. We all do from time to time. Sometimes it's laziness, sometimes it's depression, job loss, new job, commute, kids, pregnancy, injury. All kinds of things get us off track. That's just how life is. Recognizing we got off track and taking those steps to get back on track-that's SUCCESS! Every single time we do something "RIGHT" we are a success at that moment in time. I teach Special education in a "Behavior" classroom. We celebrate every success in my classroom, regardless of how big or how small that success may be. (For example-"you chose to do your work while standing-thank you for doing your work-I'm proud of you!" or "You chose to go to the chill center instead of hitting your peer. Awesome job!") EVERY SINGLE positive step is just that. POSITIVE! YOU can do it! Every day is a new day to START OVER! YOU can do it!
    1351 days ago
    You go girl! What courage it took for you to write this blog. Weight loss is a painful journey because of the underlying emotional issues that got us into this mess to begin with. Dealing with those issues is tough and you, my dear, are an inspiration.
    1351 days ago

    I have done this as well.. I "started new" - threw all the past failures behind me, and went only forward.. in 1 1/2 yrs, I have lost so far, 129 lbs on my own, with SparkPeople.. I still have a ways to go, but I know I will succeed this time~ You CAN do this.. this -is- your new beginning.. you already know how to lose the weight, we're experts at it by now.. :) - I gained and lost so many times in my life I lost track.. -- you have laid it all out in the open, the hard part is over.. the rest, you already have the knowledge and tools to accomplish your NEW goals~ :) Good luck on your journey, dear.. if I can be of any help at any time, please message me~ :)

    1351 days ago
  • LAJH1973
    I have also lost and regained weight for the past 30 years. I started Spark people and was doing a good job of tracking everything, THEN I WENT ON VACATION! To say the least I really messed up. So today Sept. 8th I'm starting this journey. We can do this together!
    1351 days ago
  • LORNE67
    I lost 27 pounds a years ago and gained 24 pounds back. I also need to lose another 50 to 74 pounds. I am trying to start over as well. Since I started over I have lost 2.3 pounds. emoticon
    1352 days ago
    I have lost and regained weight so many times, I have literally lost count. It has been for various reasons, financial, pregnancy, depression, and just life. Finally I got to the point where I wanted to lose weight to be healthy. Not to fit into a smaller size. Not to look thinner. Not to feel "normal." When I got to that point, I lost over 40 pounds. Then I lost my job, had no health insurance, and couldn't afford my depression medication. Needless to say, I gained most of the weight back. Now, here I am, working the most enjoyable job I've ever had, back on insurance (thanks to Obamacare), and back on my meds. I lost a few pounds naturally (not turning to junk food when stressed) and have, within the past several weeks, started actively tracking again. So far I've lost 26 lbs. Thankfully, every day we have a chance to start over. Each year we are, by the grace of God, given 365 chances to start over. What's up to us is to decide to take those chances. Even if we have to start over 365 times.

    Don't be discouraged, you're not the only one & you can do it! emoticon
    1352 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/8/2014 1:36:14 PM
    You are a great inspiration to all of us. While my weight loss needs are less than yours the experience you describe is totally me. I've been traveling for the last month and had made the decision to begin again today but I think I'll start over instead. Thank you.
    1352 days ago
    Yes, I too have been there and done that! The hardest part was my avoidance of the people I love! Did I think they couldn't see my weight gain? I was always hopeful! LOL! When I came to spark I found my way home. I have been fortunate in that I have not known Failure this time around. I am never perfect! I always log my nutrition and exercise. No matter how bad I am. But my most powerful tool has been my spark diet and exercise buddy Thoms1. I live with my sister so that makes it that much easier!
    Good luck on your new beginning! You can do this!
    1352 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. We have all been there and it does not matter how much/little a person has to lose..the internal struggle is the same. I take it one day at a time now, trust God and surround myself with supportive friends. I am subscribing to your blog to share in your journey. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1353 days ago
    You are not alone as you can see by all the comments you have received. I agree with someone above that purging your negative emotions is a big part of your new beginnings, keep getting rid of the negative and open to the positive. You can do it emoticon !
    1353 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your experience. You are not alone and should know that your journey both the good and the bad motivates us all.

    I've been struggling for over 20 years with both positive and negative results. I'm currently on an upswing (note that I've had my downswings too) due to working closely with my doctor who has provided healthy lifestyle changes in the form of nutritional guidelines (literature specific to my health needs) and exercise encouragement. I'm sharing this hoping that maybe you'll find a supportive doctor (who lives what she preaches) that can help you as well.

    One other difference this time around is that I've also surrounded myself with friends who are also exercising regularly which makes me accountable. These friends aren't working against my plans by enticing me with unhealthy foods or unhealthy habits. Their conversations and lifestyle serve as positive reinforcement.

    Take care. I hope to hear more from you about how your New Beginning has been a positive one! :-)

    1353 days ago
    1354 days ago
    I am rooting for you!

    I have started and stopped the weight loss thing so many times and what I have discovered is perhaps all those other times when I tried and failed, I just wasn't ready yet.

    This time when I began again on Labor Day 2012 just by recording everything I ate in the MyFitnessPal app on my phone, it clicked. I made a deal with myself that I didn't have to stay within my calorie budget each day but I absolutely DID have to be completely honest with myself and record accurately EVERYTHING I ate. Here I am 2 years later with success to show for the effort.

    I still record everything I eat because I know if I didn't, I would begin fooling myself about how much I was really eating and how many calories it was.

    I can't say I haven't gained back any of the weight I lost but I am holding it to a 10 pound range and fighting to keep it there. I weigh every day so I cannot use the excuse that I didn't know I was regaining. If the scale goes up, I work a little harder at it that day, try to get more sleep, drink more water, eat more fiber, etc.

    You are in the right place. You can't beat SparkPeople for community support and its vast amounts of information articles and video workouts, etc.

    I think you just have to find what works for you and expand on that. Each person is different. We all know how we should eat and that we should exercise, what we are really fighting is the negative voices in our heads. Sometimes you just have to bully those voices into silence so you can do what you know you need to do.

    Good luck and keep us all posted. I am subscribing so I can keep track of your progress, and I know there will be progress because YOU CAN DO THIS!
    1354 days ago
    I fell like I could have written this blog myself. I too have lost and gained back plenty of weight over the years. Its always a struggle. I'm proud that you are starting anew and not giving up.

    P.S. Being heavy does not equal looking horrible. I think you're beautiful.
    1354 days ago
    I am feeling the same as you and 1st September was my new start date but it has come and gone, now I feel impelled to get started over and you are the main reason why. Thank you for your courage and for your strength.
    1354 days ago
  • PK2H2000
    1354 days ago
  • PK2H2000
    1354 days ago
    never give up, best of luck to you...glad you are back on track, you know we all have your back emoticon
    1354 days ago
  • AMBER461
    I do love your attitude, you can do it. Thanks for sharing.
    1354 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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