My Own Little Miracle
Monday, September 01, 2014
Since June 1, 2014, I've lost 17.2 pounds. As of today, I saw a new "decade" on the scale that I haven't seen since last October.
Yes, it's slow. However, I'm not doing ANYTHING this time outside of being mindful.
I'm not meticulously tracking my food.
I'm not working out 1 or 2 hours/day 5 or 6 days/week.
I'm not counting my calories.
I'm not starving.
I'm not restricting.
I'm not binging.
I have experienced hunger and fullness.
It's kind of like its own little miracle really. It's really put me on pause to question everything friends, relatives, and the media have been spoon feeding me for years.
Maybe this element of kindness, of just accepting I can't do much given everything that I am doing, has been the missing link all of these years.
I've never been kind to myself through this process of trying to become healthier. I've been harsh to the point of being militant. I've counted the calories in my gum. I punished myself at the gym with extra time if I ate or drank something that I felt I shouldn't have. I silently judged myself 24 hours a day, and told myself a plethora of lies including "If only you were at X weight, then you would be good enough and worthy of love".
You know what the best part about this time around has been? I don't think about food. The obsessive thoughts have all but disappeared. Because I'm not limiting myself to "good foods", I have the freedom to indulge in the taste of something if I want. Like peppermint bon bon ice cream. I actually can have a container sit in my freezer and not feel a compulsion to eat it, unless I am getting a craving for it. Or the mini bags of chips I have had sitting in my cupboard. I eat a bag when I am wanting it, maybe even two bags, but then I'm over it.
I've been trying to focus on more well rounded meals, though a go-to is still ramen noodles for this graduate student. Hey, I still have to eat! But I've been buying cut fruit and eating that as a snack, and have incorporated a ready-to-heat breakfast sandwich in the morning... every morning...to get me off on the right foot. It's made a difference.
One thing I noticed is that I have been having food go to waste. I explored this, and realized I am still buying in the quantity I did before... for the girl who would eat that quantity... and so I have had to alter my shopping habits t buy less more frequently. It's still a work in progress.
Overall, I'm quite happy with things. I'm elated beyond measure that I have spent the last two days writing the draft for my thesis and it is nearly complete. That 30 page project has been hanging over my head for quite some time, but now I can put that anxiousness behind me and focus on the future of: Edits, 3 more classes in the next 6 months, and then graduation! Done and done!
I look forward to see what September will bring into my life. I hired someone to help me last week, and they start at the end of this week. That will relieve a lot of my burdens at work. I am flying to Portland in a couple weeks as I have been asked to present on our hiring, retention and talent development practices! And then, right after I get back, I go on a week long vacation to Lake Superior before school starts again in October.
The end, my friends, is in sight. Amen.