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Shoots and Ladders....

Monday, September 01, 2014

Do you remember the game of Shoots and Ladders? When I was a young child, I remember playing it often.

In the beginning of the game, it's all about taking small steps forward, climbing a few steps upward, hitting road blocks, falling down, getting back up and re-trying to get to your goal. The longer you stay in the game, the harder the obstacles become, the climb is steeper, and the "shoots" sometimes take you back to the beginning.

The higher you climb, the lighter you feel, the more euphoric you become at reaching your goal.

This game is just like my weight journey...

Something comes along and clogs up the works, I lose my focus and tumble downward again and the struggle with myself starts all over again.

Feelings of being a failure, hearing the ghost of my mother telling me I will never succeed - is just under the surface (she never stays buried).

The last month, my depression keeps dragging me downward and further in despair. I've lost my spark...

Last night I was watching an over-weight reality show from A&E - called HEAVY. I had a light-bulb moment....

My newest addiction and enabler is Assisted Living. Whenever I find something too hard, I hit the "easy button" (the call light) and someone else takes care of my problem. I have chosen to eliminate the challenge, by allowing them to do something for me - because I've gotten too lazy!

I have lost my desire to CARE.

So, it's time for some honesty. When I arrived at Assisted Living....
1. I was recovering from pneumonia
2. Needed to learn to transfer from my wheelchair to a toilet
3. Needed to find wheelchair accessible housing - as my split-entry home is a hazard

I accomplished the first two tasks by Feb 8, 2013....so WHY am I still here?

The grief of losing Wayne (April 2013) and the depression that followed has been gradually getting worse.

The thought of moving forward -- ALONE - scares the crap out of me.

So, what happened to that strong person inside? I think she is still there - she just needs a HUGE kick in the butt!!!

As long as we are on an honesty kick - beyond the pneumonia, how did I feel when I arrived here?

I was down 82# from my high-point, I had increased energy, I smiled more, I laughed and being told I would be in a wheelchair from now on didn't faze me. My challenge is not the chair, my challenge is getting others to recognize that I am still the same person!!

Everyone around me has stopped looking at ME - all they see is my chair and immediately supply sympathy.

PLEASE tell me I can't do something and that evil person inside smiles wickedly and proves you wrong.

Last night's program lit a spark that I'm hoping to turn into a flame.... and like a good friend of mine told me. I need to "GET MY MAD ON" so I can move forward!!!

Time to turn some of those dreams into reality...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You can do it! Prove them wrong! I can't wait for the day you tell us you found a house on your own and you are moving on! emoticon
    1662 days ago
    Here is a emoticon to get you going again. You are one of the strongest ladies I know and YOU CAN DO IT!!!
    Hope you had a great weekend!
    My computer has not been working right and my iPad won't let me post to individual blogs. Sorry. I have missed you!
    Prayers, blessings, love and hugs,
    1690 days ago
    Annie, I have only met you through SP since I got on here in June, and I have to say, the person that wrote THIS blog is powerful beyond measure...not the same person I was getting to know through the things I saw posted before today. Self-honesty and determination will get you where you need to go...and it sounds now like you are a woman ready to be on the move and to take her life back. emoticon Everyday just ask yourself, "what can I do TODAY to move forward?", and then DO IT! emoticon You CAN do it! I will be cheering you on!
    1695 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/3/2014 10:58:35 AM
    Welcome back!

    1697 days ago
  • CARO488
    You have made such strides against horrible events. You know you can do it! Take one step - make an appointment with a realtor, or a social worker - someone to help you look into different living arrangements. The next time you think it might be too easy to push the call button - don't (unless it's an emergency!!)

    1697 days ago
    Annie , You are a beautiful person, inside and out and are capable of more than you can imagine. let's "Get your mad on" and do this together
    1697 days ago
    ABSOLUTELY!!!! You are an amazing woman & can do whatever you put into you mind to accomplish. NOW.. DO IT!!! You KNOW that you CAN.. this issue is wanting to. Let go of the FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real). As your friend says, GET YOUR MAD ON. Stand up for ANNIE!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon We're all hear cheering for you. There HAS to be a place out there for you to live. I AM SURE of it!!!! FIND IT & STOP babying yourself. YOU ARE NOT A BABY!!!! You know it & we know it. I've never met a spunkier person. You have so much talent. You have so much drive. Put it into positive motion. GO YOU!!!!
    1697 days ago
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