Shoots and Ladders....
Monday, September 01, 2014
Do you remember the game of Shoots and Ladders? When I was a young child, I remember playing it often.
In the beginning of the game, it's all about taking small steps forward, climbing a few steps upward, hitting road blocks, falling down, getting back up and re-trying to get to your goal. The longer you stay in the game, the harder the obstacles become, the climb is steeper, and the "shoots" sometimes take you back to the beginning.
The higher you climb, the lighter you feel, the more euphoric you become at reaching your goal.
This game is just like my weight journey...
Something comes along and clogs up the works, I lose my focus and tumble downward again and the struggle with myself starts all over again.
Feelings of being a failure, hearing the ghost of my mother telling me I will never succeed - is just under the surface (she never stays buried).
The last month, my depression keeps dragging me downward and further in despair. I've lost my spark...
Last night I was watching an over-weight reality show from A&E - called HEAVY. I had a light-bulb moment....
My newest addiction and enabler is Assisted Living. Whenever I find something too hard, I hit the "easy button" (the call light) and someone else takes care of my problem. I have chosen to eliminate the challenge, by allowing them to do something for me - because I've gotten too lazy!
I have lost my desire to CARE.
So, it's time for some honesty. When I arrived at Assisted Living....
1. I was recovering from pneumonia
2. Needed to learn to transfer from my wheelchair to a toilet
3. Needed to find wheelchair accessible housing - as my split-entry home is a hazard
I accomplished the first two tasks by Feb 8, 2013....so WHY am I still here?
The grief of losing Wayne (April 2013) and the depression that followed has been gradually getting worse.
The thought of moving forward -- ALONE - scares the crap out of me.
So, what happened to that strong person inside? I think she is still there - she just needs a HUGE kick in the butt!!!
As long as we are on an honesty kick - beyond the pneumonia, how did I feel when I arrived here?
I was down 82# from my high-point, I had increased energy, I smiled more, I laughed and being told I would be in a wheelchair from now on didn't faze me. My challenge is not the chair, my challenge is getting others to recognize that I am still the same person!!
Everyone around me has stopped looking at ME - all they see is my chair and immediately supply sympathy.
PLEASE tell me I can't do something and that evil person inside smiles wickedly and proves you wrong.
Last night's program lit a spark that I'm hoping to turn into a flame.... and like a good friend of mine told me. I need to "GET MY MAD ON" so I can move forward!!!
Time to turn some of those dreams into reality...