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In a terrible funk, stuck in reverse.

Friday, August 29, 2014

August started out on one of my biggest highs of the year. It was fabulous. My family and I traveled to Texas, all because I bought tickets for my daughters and I to see Fall Out Boy (and to meet them again) that long weekend was awesome. I blogged about it below, but to summarize... I went to Texas for the first time ever, stayed in a really nice hotel, met my favorite band again, was up front in the pit to watch them, drove out of our way to see the ocean ... it had been about 17 years since I last saw it, then drove home. It was a whirlwind mini vacation, but worth every mile, penny and minute.

When I went back to work... the Thursday after all that, I was still tired, but still reeling from the thrilling time I had... until... my pastor came by my office to ask me a few questions and to let me know that "they" have decided to give me a break from being on the counting committee. What that meant was, I was kicked off the only committee I was on. I was financial secretary at my church and not only being on the counting committee was mandatory, being the chairman of that committee was also mandatory... and now I was being kicked off of it?

Let me back up some... I had been attending that church for about 22 years. I taught Sunday School to elementary kids for 15 of those years. I have served on several committees, and been chair of several committees... but no matter what I did, I just never really fit in with the social group there. No one can say I didn't try. But time after time, small things happened that made me feel like I wasn't liked/wanted as part of "them." I have anxiety issues anyhow, and for the longest time thought it was just me reading too much into it. However, my kids felt like outcasts, too. ALL the kids there went to the local school, and my kids went to the rival school, which at church shouldn't have mattered, but even adults from time to time would make little snide remarks... thinking they were just being funny, but deep down, it was just little jabs at how much we didn't fit there. I always thought things would improve... kids would get older, I would make friends... it didn't. It just got worse. I stopped going to Sunday School... and about a year after that, I just stopped going to church. It hurts when you find a seat, then someone who is another regular member stands beside that pew, ignores you, and utters in a gruff, agitated tone, "I don't know WHERE we're gonna sit now." Yep, that happened. I tried to ignore it, but from that day on I was afraid I was going to sit in someone else's place. Also, when we got a new pastor, behind my back, they decided to change my job description to force me to stand in front of everyone to verbally give the financial report during business meetings. No one came to me asking why I didn't do that already, no one just asked me would I start doing it...no... they had a vote when I wasn't there to force me to do this, without knowing why I didn't, and that I had an agreement with the former pastor. That he gave the report because I had major anxiety about standing in front of everyone. I still didn't do it. I spoke with the new pastor and explained my feelings and he gave the reports. Fast forward a bit... I stopped going to church altogether. Not just because of the seating, or the behind my back thing, but that was a little part of it, there were lots of other reasons, too.

So... now we get to that Thursday after my awesome vacation...

The reason they don't want me on the committee any more is because I wasn't attending church. So... here I am not going because I'm feeling like I don't belong, anyhow.... and here they come with this, confirming my feelings I've had so long. I'm not wanted there. I tell my pastor about how other churches even hire their financial secretaries outside of the congregation... and that I have been there to count when it's my turn every time. He said he'd talk with them about me staying on the committee... didn't matter, in my head that was the final straw. I was done.

The next day I composed a resignation letter. The next time I was at church to work, I left it on his desk. In the meantime I had gotten a text from him saying I could stay on the committee... I didn't respond. I've never been more DONE with anything in my life. My fears of being unwanted were confirmed. My resignation letter was short and polite thanking them for the opportunity to serve for nearly 9 years.

My last day to work, I went over a lot of what I did with the temp replacement. I'm not going back. She can text me if she has questions, but I'm done.

Hubby was a big part of our church, too, in that he assembled and ran the sound system and website. He resigned also and spent a day going over all he did with one of the audio committee members. That person was astounded at all that had to be done...for instance saying he knew how to upload the powerpoint for the pastor, but didn't know where to get the powerpoint and was bug-eyed when my hubby told him you have to make it. They had no idea what all he did, and that was just a drop in the bucket.

There are some good people at that church, there really are, but there are some who want to run it... and I, apparently, was on their sh!t list.

We have gotten 3 cards telling us how much we'll be missed.

So, since then I have felt so numb. I have no time to truly be alone to grieve over all this. I have stifled the need to cry dozens of times because I can't cry. At work at any time someone could walk in or call, I don't want to explain red eyes and face or not be able to talk, doesn't matter... I've stifled it so much that tears just won't come... at home, same thing. I'm never alone long enough to release any emotions... so I've been eating them. Literally. I have eaten non-stop for about 3 weeks straight now. I know what I'm doing, but haven't given a crap. I tell myself I don't need that, I tell myself the consequences of eating whatever I'm eating... and I just keep eating anyway. I have consumed a lot of junk, too. I used to never eat junk like this. Yesterday I ate an entire box of crackers and an entire box of poptarts while at work... among other things, and still ate a ton when I got home. I feel I'm just in a downward spiral and can't pull myself out of this. I'm drowning emotions that I can't release in food. I have analyzed myself over and over and one thing I have recently come up with is punishing myself for not being who THEY wanted me to be, for staying with them for so long when I should have left years ago. Obviously something is wrong with me if I can't even make friends at a church! So I have this feeling of self-pity, combined with feelings of guilt for being so self-centered like that. I'm feeling very scatterbrained and that my head if full of numbing fuzz. A line in a song says... "Read between the lines (of) what's f*cked up and everything's alright." I feel that way... inside I'm totally f-ed up, outside everything's alright. I am functioning. I go to work, do my work, eating all the while, I go home, and all I want to do there is eat and watch tv/movies or sleep. I have tried to pray, but I feel my heart isn't in it. My heart doesn't seem to be in anything lately. I am numb. There's a whole lot more that happened and that I'm feeling than just what I wrote here. I would say I'm depressed... perhaps I am. What I do say is everything's fine. Right now my anxiety is pegging in the red just typing this, my heart is racing, my hands are ice... opening myself up like this, and so fully, is not something I do very much at all. I'm afraid of what y'all will think of me. I'm normally this happy person with a great positive attitude... but right now I'm at an all time low, numb, somewhat bitter, and gaining weight... Maybe venting all this out will help me get over this. I'm in a dark place. Maybe someone out there in sparksville will understand.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1684 days ago
    You are not alone with this. I was never accepted anywhere until the last place I kept my horse and my current church. Even at those places there were people who didn't accept me. I have been called stupid all my life and even my parents were told that I was retarded (with above average IQ). While I am accepted as a person at my church, I am not considered as a person who can do anything other than by one person there.

    Reading your blog and the comments on it I wonder if that is why I ended up getting so fat. Like you, I eat when I get upset. Knowing that there are others who are going through the same things, I think that maybe we can get help from them. I hope that you are feeling better now.
    1684 days ago
    Their is nothing wrong with you. I'm sending big Hugs your way. That is not how Christians should act.
    1687 days ago
    I read your blog, and I was touched by the way you expressed your feelings about these unhappy experiences. I am holding you in the light for an outcome that may be surprising to you.
    1692 days ago
    Hubby and I went through similar with the church I had been an part of since I was a child. Had to walk away. It hurts that people I consider my friends don't seem to want to talk to me anymore.
    It does sound like you're depressed and if this has been going on for a few weeks, it might be time to find a professional to talk to. There's no shame in getting help (I've done it myself).
    Also, besides realizing that binge eating is not good for you, if you need a "revenge" type reason to stop, think about it that if you keep spiraling then "they" win but if you stop then "you" win.
    And you are a winner, Renee!!
    emoticon emoticon
    1695 days ago
    Shame on them!

    Their lack of loving kindness made me cry. It sounds like you have a LOT to grieve.

    It doesn't matter that this is a web site for being healthy/losing weight. Overeating is a powerful source of relief when you are overwhelmed. In a time of grief, it can be the one and only source of comfort. Don't worry about that part right now. Just do your best, it is all you can do.

    Wishing you relief. Wishing you balance. Wishing you find compassion for this overeating, because you wouldn't hold it against a dear friend in the same place.

    Most of all, wishing you a new connection to a gathering of people who treat you with loving kindness and compassion.

    You deserve so much better.
    1695 days ago
  • LUG911
    I know where you are emotionally and physically. I have been there many times. Writing the blog a is great step towards healing. When you are ready, get back to your journey to health. Until then, hang on to the truths you know, like: You are a good and kind person; your family loves you; God loves you no matter what; there is hope, always.

    A big hug.

    1695 days ago
    Wow, this is all so just not right! What kind of Christian church is this ? I CAN not for the life of me comprehend how a Christian Church would be so unkind.

    There is NOTHING wrong with you!!! I think you need to realize that there are GOOD HEALTHY Christian Churches out there. I think this very sick church needs to be reported.

    YOU are a TREASURED Child of the Most HIGH GOD! Don't you EVER forget that! emoticon
    1695 days ago
    Hopefully, writing this blog is the first step, in the healing process. We are here for you, and I can't imagine anyone here judging you. I hope you are able to let go, and refocus on all the positives, in your life. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1695 days ago
  • JUSTME29
    You are an upbeat positive person, you are just having a down time right now. I know this because I've been there and am barely starting to pull out of it myself. There is no rule that says you have to always be "up" and "on" - we are real people and real people are allowed to be upset about crap other people do/say to them. You definitely are in a position to vent if you want - and you're better off out of there if they aren't kind to you. I'm sorry you had to give up your job though to protect yourself.

    I've been eating like that too. I understand what you're saying about punishing yourself. It makes no logical sense at all, but somewhere there's a feeling of not being "enough" and food is the answer. Sometimes it's a reward, sometimes it's a punishment, and sometimes it's a substitute. Another friend of mine calls it her food dragon and I think that's an apt name. I picture Smaug sitting not on a pile of riches, but on piles of our best hopes and intentions while hurling insults. Where's a hobbit when you need one?
    1696 days ago
    You know, I can relate to your kids and your experience to a certain degree. While growing up after my parents divorced my mom asked my grandma (dad's mom) if she could watch us on the weekends while she worked. Grandma didn't have a problem with that as long as we went to church with her. The problem is that grandma lived on the West side of town and we lived on the north east side of town. We didn't know the kids that went to the church and they weren't mean but we never got to know them really and never really fit in.

    I understand you're grieving about the whole thing with the church. I like many of the things that BRAINBENTT said. Take some time away from SP if you have too. Maybe Kelly and Melissa can take over for a little bit. Don't let those bullies at church win though. Right now they are winning by you letting them control your emotions. You are better than them. You do not judge people and your are a kind, compassionate person. Much better than them!! Here is a link that might help with your anxiety http://www.helpguide.org/topics/anx
    iety.htm and this one too http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anx

    We are here for you!! We love you for who you are!!!!

    Sending you tons of LOVE emoticon and tons of HUGS emoticon and a kiss from me emoticon . You are an awesome person!!!!
    1696 days ago
    Oh sweetie, you are so not alone. I know that awful place you are in. I've been paying visits there myself of late.

    You are loved and wanted. You are a wonderful person, we all know it here. I hope you find your way out of the pit. I'm here for you if I can help in any way.
    1696 days ago
    You are definitely not alone...I can't say I've had a similar experience as far as the whole church thing goes, because I've never participated to any extent. But I can SO relate to your feelings of apathy/depression/numbness and eating even though you KNOW you shouldn't and you KNOW it will only make things worse! I've had a run of bad luck this last year, and I think it's gotten to me a lot more than I've realized. I've gained back too much of the weight I've lost, and slipped back into bad habits. Worst of all, I disengaged myself from SparkPeople - which was probably the only real lifeline I had. I'm trying to get back now, and it's because of SparkFriends like you - knowing that others can relate and are experiencing similar things, if not exactly the same, somehow makes it better.

    Hang in there, try not to let what others think influence you, and don't beat yourself up over the eating! I have to believe things have a way of working out for the best, and I'm sure something good will come of this for you.

    1696 days ago
    Ok Renee' I came back to check up on you; now just see how many of us think you are GRReat!!! .......... and as one said, they are schmucks' and another said they are $hitheads!! ............... That's pretty bad to be either one!! .......... I am smelling scribes and Pharisees ............... and Jesus himself got really annoyed with them!!! ...... emoticon ..... they are in every building w/ stain glassed windows ........... Not just my town .......... too bad they proliferated ...... But be assured one thing Renee' ........... we are in the 'end times' and you know who is doing all he can to make a bigger mess of things than ever before!! emoticon He knows his days are numbered and he will be locked up for good!!! ....... Yippee skippy! ...........
    1696 days ago
    Renee I agree with everything 2B said.Do not let them keep you in this dark
    place!wWe think the world of you dear,please listen. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1696 days ago
  • LIBRA73
    Hey girl!

    I could have written this blog a few years ago myself while stationed in Alabama. My sone who was thought to have had autism (the preschool "teacher" diagnosed him herself"!) said he wasn't welcome there anymore. No one stood by me. There were other things, but with that event I left church and never went back. To any of them. I am DONE with organized religion. My BFF and I started a devotional class on our own. We get together and do our worship and go on with our own lives. Church just isn't church.

    With all that said, you have something so wrong.

    You are an AMAZING person. I have known you for years. You are so smart (and those kiddos are too!), you are so kind, so thoughtful and beautiful. Anyone who cannot see that and love you is a moron. A total sh*thead. Seriously!

    You have a great sense of humor and humanity. It's your kindness (and your family's) that has kept you giving at a church that certainly did not appreciate you.

    I think you are awesome and I am no idiot. So there!

    Just keep being yourself and screw what the others say. What you are feeling is a toxic static that those ppl create. It's not the truth. It's not who you are. It's not what your family is. It's not what you believe.

    I totally understand the anxiety thing. I have cases of that - big and small.

    Think of the church exodus this way - now you are free! Free to worship how you want when you want! When you are ready, if you want, I can help you pick out some really cool devotionals.

    Just know this: They are stupid. You are awesome! DO YOU HEAR ME? AWESOME!!!

    1696 days ago
    I have never been burdened with the need to be positive and upbeat around others, but that's just me, and it has its positives and negatives like everything else. But sometimes life confronts you with something that absolutely disallows being positive. Indeed, your church community sounds like a bunch of schmucks. I agree with the above-poster who wrote that the problem with Christianity is Christians. Don't get me wrong, there are astonishingly wonderful humans who happen to be Christian, but sadly it is not a requirement. This can be disappointing, particularly if you are/were expecting something different.

    I think most of us go through periods of depression, or feeling bummed-out and disconnected, when we are unable/unwilling to face life for whatever reason. Maybe you just need some time right now to regroup. Take the time. Something good will come of this.

    I wish you all the best.

    1696 days ago
    well Renee' ......... All I can say is emoticon to the club! ...... I SO relate having a very parallel situation in our 'church' lives! .......... Our last and I mean LAST experience in church involvement was my hubby and I were leaders on the prayer team ........... (Hubby actually started it) and the church was getting results, yada yada ....... and ONE gal got perturbed and said her way was better! ........ We ignored her but she made such a scuff w/ the pastor who had his head in the sand .......... that finally we could see the writing on the walls ........... (not to go into all the ugly details) ............. Bottom line in our case and I am sure yours too ....... is someone got JEALOUS!!!! ........... nothing new in the church camp ......... emoticon never changes his tactics and unfortunately just cause some 'attend' church does not mean they really wear a halo! .......... Some have horns, which show in their petty actions ........... and TRUST ME!! ............ GOD SEES!!! ......... Some ol gal prolly got jealous of you cause you are flat beautiful inside and out and she couldn't stand it! .............. don' t let their pettiness hurt your beautiful heart ........... walk on with your head held high ............ (I haven't or we rather have not been back inside a church in over 10 years now ........... and we still pray, trust the Lord and are doing just fine!!!) ........ Enough already! ....... I pray these peeps SOON like now become a DIM memory ............... (they are not worth any tears, believe me!) ............. Well you have lots of friends who love and admire you and will be here for you ............... so let's all march on shall we? ................ emoticon .............. (ps. just think of all the persecutions Jesus endured here on Earth) .............. As his kids, we face the same persecutions, except we will never be crucified!) .............. Love ya! ....... 2B
    1696 days ago
    Don't beat yourself up. It take some time to heal. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1696 days ago
    You are definitely not alone in your experience and feelings.

    The biggest impediment to Christianity in the US is "Christians".

    Don't let them define your spiritual journey or impact your weight loss journey.

    Jesus would be equally disgusted, I fear.

    1696 days ago
  • WORTHIT2019
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    I SO relate to this blog. Please know you're NOT alone in this journey. Let me know what I can do to help--and make sure to take time to for you and know that there is NO JUDGMENT here and I think you're AWESOME for being vulnerable.
    1696 days ago
  • TINY67
    Hope you're feeling better now after your vent, but don't quit on getting rid of the weight that you want to get rid of, because if you do you're just letting those so called righteous people keep stabbing you in the back. Forget them and just focus on what you want for you, your husband and go get it.
    1696 days ago
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