In a terrible funk, stuck in reverse.
Friday, August 29, 2014
August started out on one of my biggest highs of the year. It was fabulous. My family and I traveled to Texas, all because I bought tickets for my daughters and I to see Fall Out Boy (and to meet them again) that long weekend was awesome. I blogged about it below, but to summarize... I went to Texas for the first time ever, stayed in a really nice hotel, met my favorite band again, was up front in the pit to watch them, drove out of our way to see the ocean ... it had been about 17 years since I last saw it, then drove home. It was a whirlwind mini vacation, but worth every mile, penny and minute.
When I went back to work... the Thursday after all that, I was still tired, but still reeling from the thrilling time I had... until... my pastor came by my office to ask me a few questions and to let me know that "they" have decided to give me a break from being on the counting committee. What that meant was, I was kicked off the only committee I was on. I was financial secretary at my church and not only being on the counting committee was mandatory, being the chairman of that committee was also mandatory... and now I was being kicked off of it?
Let me back up some... I had been attending that church for about 22 years. I taught Sunday School to elementary kids for 15 of those years. I have served on several committees, and been chair of several committees... but no matter what I did, I just never really fit in with the social group there. No one can say I didn't try. But time after time, small things happened that made me feel like I wasn't liked/wanted as part of "them." I have anxiety issues anyhow, and for the longest time thought it was just me reading too much into it. However, my kids felt like outcasts, too. ALL the kids there went to the local school, and my kids went to the rival school, which at church shouldn't have mattered, but even adults from time to time would make little snide remarks... thinking they were just being funny, but deep down, it was just little jabs at how much we didn't fit there. I always thought things would improve... kids would get older, I would make friends... it didn't. It just got worse. I stopped going to Sunday School... and about a year after that, I just stopped going to church. It hurts when you find a seat, then someone who is another regular member stands beside that pew, ignores you, and utters in a gruff, agitated tone, "I don't know WHERE we're gonna sit now." Yep, that happened. I tried to ignore it, but from that day on I was afraid I was going to sit in someone else's place. Also, when we got a new pastor, behind my back, they decided to change my job description to force me to stand in front of everyone to verbally give the financial report during business meetings. No one came to me asking why I didn't do that already, no one just asked me would I start doing it...no... they had a vote when I wasn't there to force me to do this, without knowing why I didn't, and that I had an agreement with the former pastor. That he gave the report because I had major anxiety about standing in front of everyone. I still didn't do it. I spoke with the new pastor and explained my feelings and he gave the reports. Fast forward a bit... I stopped going to church altogether. Not just because of the seating, or the behind my back thing, but that was a little part of it, there were lots of other reasons, too.
So... now we get to that Thursday after my awesome vacation...
The reason they don't want me on the committee any more is because I wasn't attending church. So... here I am not going because I'm feeling like I don't belong, anyhow.... and here they come with this, confirming my feelings I've had so long. I'm not wanted there. I tell my pastor about how other churches even hire their financial secretaries outside of the congregation... and that I have been there to count when it's my turn every time. He said he'd talk with them about me staying on the committee... didn't matter, in my head that was the final straw. I was done.
The next day I composed a resignation letter. The next time I was at church to work, I left it on his desk. In the meantime I had gotten a text from him saying I could stay on the committee... I didn't respond. I've never been more DONE with anything in my life. My fears of being unwanted were confirmed. My resignation letter was short and polite thanking them for the opportunity to serve for nearly 9 years.
My last day to work, I went over a lot of what I did with the temp replacement. I'm not going back. She can text me if she has questions, but I'm done.
Hubby was a big part of our church, too, in that he assembled and ran the sound system and website. He resigned also and spent a day going over all he did with one of the audio committee members. That person was astounded at all that had to be done...for instance saying he knew how to upload the powerpoint for the pastor, but didn't know where to get the powerpoint and was bug-eyed when my hubby told him you have to make it. They had no idea what all he did, and that was just a drop in the bucket.
There are some good people at that church, there really are, but there are some who want to run it... and I, apparently, was on their sh!t list.
We have gotten 3 cards telling us how much we'll be missed.
So, since then I have felt so numb. I have no time to truly be alone to grieve over all this. I have stifled the need to cry dozens of times because I can't cry. At work at any time someone could walk in or call, I don't want to explain red eyes and face or not be able to talk, doesn't matter... I've stifled it so much that tears just won't come... at home, same thing. I'm never alone long enough to release any emotions... so I've been eating them. Literally. I have eaten non-stop for about 3 weeks straight now. I know what I'm doing, but haven't given a crap. I tell myself I don't need that, I tell myself the consequences of eating whatever I'm eating... and I just keep eating anyway. I have consumed a lot of junk, too. I used to never eat junk like this. Yesterday I ate an entire box of crackers and an entire box of poptarts while at work... among other things, and still ate a ton when I got home. I feel I'm just in a downward spiral and can't pull myself out of this. I'm drowning emotions that I can't release in food. I have analyzed myself over and over and one thing I have recently come up with is punishing myself for not being who THEY wanted me to be, for staying with them for so long when I should have left years ago. Obviously something is wrong with me if I can't even make friends at a church! So I have this feeling of self-pity, combined with feelings of guilt for being so self-centered like that. I'm feeling very scatterbrained and that my head if full of numbing fuzz. A line in a song says... "Read between the lines (of) what's f*cked up and everything's alright." I feel that way... inside I'm totally f-ed up, outside everything's alright. I am functioning. I go to work, do my work, eating all the while, I go home, and all I want to do there is eat and watch tv/movies or sleep. I have tried to pray, but I feel my heart isn't in it. My heart doesn't seem to be in anything lately. I am numb. There's a whole lot more that happened and that I'm feeling than just what I wrote here. I would say I'm depressed... perhaps I am. What I do say is everything's fine. Right now my anxiety is pegging in the red just typing this, my heart is racing, my hands are ice... opening myself up like this, and so fully, is not something I do very much at all. I'm afraid of what y'all will think of me. I'm normally this happy person with a great positive attitude... but right now I'm at an all time low, numb, somewhat bitter, and gaining weight... Maybe venting all this out will help me get over this. I'm in a dark place. Maybe someone out there in sparksville will understand.