How Do I Be Happy and Cheerful When I'm Not??
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
As the title says, first I'll apologize for the fact that I'm not happy and cheerful, though I am home from the hospital (at least for now as long as I can control my continued dizziness). The baby didn't make it and I ended up having a D & C to stop my continued bleeding. And I'm tired of people asking how I'm doing or how I'm feeling. I know most everyone is trying to be supportive, but I'm not up to giving a standard "fine" or "okay". Does that make me a bad person? I'm trying to tell people that that isn't a good question to ask me right now. If the person doesn't accept the answer, does it make me mean to actually tell how I'm feeling?
My aunt did not know I was expecting because she can't handle my current children and I knew what she would say. I had to tell her when I was in the hospital because she is one of my emergency contacts. Here's what she said: Oh, I didn't think you were going to have another baby. (insert my response about accident) I thought J was going to take care of that. If he isn't going to, maybe you should have it taken care of while you're there.
Today, she asked me how I was doing. I tried to tell her I was tired of people asking me that and that I couldn't answer that with a happy and positive answer. She didn't accept my answer and pressed me to answer the question.
So, how am I? I'm angry. I'm angry that no one did anything to try to stop the miscarriage. I'm angry that I'm being given platitudes about how "these things happen" rather than answers to WHY it happened. I'm angry that I was sent home to (insert graphic details here). I'm hurt, angry, sick, and sad.
I know I hurt my aunt by giving her the unvarnished truth, but I don't know how to be happy and cheerful when I'm not. How do I do that? How do I "move on" when I feel how I feel?