I Take It Back, so Please Make It Stop
Sunday, August 24, 2014
I hadn't even announced the news of my 4th pregnancy on SP (had only told my job and a few members of my family) and now I'm blogging about losing the baby.
If you don't know, I have three wonderful and healthy boys ranging in ages from eight to three. After the drama of my last labor and delivery (and the fact that three is enough), I was not going to have any more children.
To say I was shocked in July when the home pregnancy test came back positive would be an understatement. In the early days of shock and panic, my husband asked me if I was contemplating an abortion. I was not EVER thinking of that, but I did think that maybe having a miscarriage would be the best thing to happen. I know that makes me a terrible person, and I've grown to love this baby, but I never took back those first horrible thoughts.
This morning I started bleeding and after an afternoon in the emergency room, I've been sent home on strict bed rest with the diagnosis of "Threatened Miscarriage". I have strict bed rest until Tuesday when I have to follow up with my doctor and have the miscarriage confirmed or not. In the meantime, I can only cry, apologize for those initial horrible thoughts, and repeatedly say that I take them back. I'm so sorry I even had those horrible thoughts. I take them back. Please make this stop. I want this precious baby, please... Please, please make this stop and let this baby be okay.