42!!!!

I turned 42 a week ago. Yes, 42. Sometimes I can't really believe it. I think of the life I have led so far, and realize all of the missed opportunities. I wasted so much time.

A few years ago, I took control of my health and managed to lose 182 pounds with diet and exercise. It really wasn't that hard to do. I was so proud of who I had worked to become.

Then the plateau came....and never left. I tried EVERYTHING I could. But life got in the way: working full time, tending to my daughter with school work and extracurricular activities, an unexpected decrease in income, personal issues (female surgery), just to name a few.

Here I sit, less excited about my success. I have gained about 50 pounds (25 of which, I believe, is a result of the surgery). I feel like I have failed . Although I am still down 132 from my heaviest weight....I am blind to that in my daily life. I work at being healthy every day. I drink endless ounces of water and stay active . I believe I eat well 90% of the time. Still, nothing changes.

I recently had 3 people ,that I have known since childhood, tell me that I inspire them daily. I was shocked. Me? Inspiring? Have you seen me? Do you not realize that I put some weight back on? How is this situation inspiring? I just could not wrap my head around that. I am grateful for their statements and their support, but still baffled.

So, now I struggle with the feelings of defeat, I feel like I did when I was nearly 400 pounds - like an outsider, like I don't quite belong. I know there will be some of you out there that can relate. The mind is so powerful - it truly is unfair that I am feeling robbed of my achievement. :(

I know, though, that God is good and I know he will guide me where I need to be in my life. His will be done. I am strong. I will never stop doing the very best that I can. Prayers are always needed and welcomed.

Bring on 42.....