please tell me your story

Sunday, August 10, 2014

i am so frustrated and resentful and here is why. i have asked this question many many times and need answers from any of you who will tell me. WHY does the sane person have to GO TO SELF HELP OR PSYCHIATRY to learn to COPE with the perpetrator?? what is up with that. why is the 'good person' otherwise called the ENABLER - asked to leave, find a new place to stay, up root their lives, perhaps children, pets etc.???? i totally resent being called an enabler - i have borne the brunt of many many times trying to get the perpetrator to STOP what they are doing - verbal abuse, alcohol and drugs - WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO DO with this self destructive behaviour.
please tell me - and if you HAVE BENEFITED FROM IT LET ME KNOW HOW and IF THE PERP has stopped what they are doing - destructing themselves and all around them - let me know. so far i have not seen them change one damn hair on their heads.
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    My hope is that you live your life, being from this same situation. I as well have moved out and on from one of these situations... and was told he was standing right behind me a few months ago.... none the less I have moved on and am now happily married. Not to say that I don't fall back into the patterns of long ago, put pray daily that I will let the love offered to me sink into my heart and give me a new positive out look. Praying that you will be renewed in your own spirit today even if you don't check back here...
    1166 days ago
  • EILEEN828
    Ah yes indeed I've walked in a version of your shoes. Knowing that that advice is the token answer to every situation that smacks of dependency has always irked me too.

    "Surely there must be something wrong with you for being such a strong, loving, patient person with this dolt you are dealing with. You must run without heed, nor care for the life destruction you will wield upon this person, yourself, and everyone else that lives with you; this person who broke the rules and must be punished. We as society demand it, punishment that only you and your family, will bear the sacrifice of the fallout, not any of us. So go ahead destroy everything that is working in your life, throw yourself in the gutter, we don't care as long as we know that person was dutifully punished for their transgressions and thank you for putting us all on high alert to avoid them as losers in the future. As for you, please no longer bother us for you have played out your part and are no longer of use to us. We don't want to know or have to take care of, any down and out person who was duped so easily. You and all your special circumstances don't count. Just handle it already, because we are just too busy with our own sanctimonious lives."

    Like it or not, I truly feel that so much of this is secretly and overtly true. Oh they would never admit or own up to it, it makes them look bad. But it is the true life reality that you are simply supposed to become superhuman and bear all the repercussions of self destructing your life. "Oh no no," they say," it's the transgressors fault, we're only looking out for you, as long as you do it discretely that is." To me that is the reality of society, I'm including friends, family, and total strangers. Free and easy with the advice. Notice how they expect you to only look out for yourself. "Everybody else will benefit if you look out only for you."

    What a crock! You know already what the repercussions will be if you allow someone to push you into a direction you are not willing to take yourself. By the way, isn't that doing exactly the same thing as the perpetrator does? Why is it not ok for that person to do it but it's ok if society does? I'm just calling a spade, a spade. The true fact is that this is a call that you decide to do FOR YOUR SELF. Not because Mr and Mrs Perfect Society have told you to.

    You must take the time to assess your personal situation. What are all of the ramifications. Be truthfully honest, you are only speaking to yourself, you don't have to produce a socially accepted explanation. Explore all of your feelings about your situation, about this destructive person, about the other people who are intimately involved. What is each person's best interest on each level? What is your financial reality? What are your resources? Don't count them if you don't know for sure that it is a real resource. Really, how destructive is everything? What has been tried? What hasn't? Without taking on society's opinion, how do you think you stand in this? Do you feel strong? Do you want in? Do you want out? YOU decide what is going to go down with your life, not any body else with their unaware opinions.

    Why? Because it is your life and you get to live it with your choices. Now, have I ever lived through this? Yes I have. Did I think it through? Yes a thousand times. I chose to bear with. Why? Because there was an extremely dependent person involved that would have suffered more with the breakup of my family than with us sticking together. Did I in all my wisdom to date know all these things when they happened. NO. I had to go through all of this decision making many, many times over. It was not fun. Circumstances always made the difference for me.

    Did the destructive person change? That depends on how you look at it. Generally overall No, that person did not. In some ways that was really bad, in some ways that was really good, that person has been a rock in a stormy sea and I am grateful to that person. In other ways, well I have this comic vision in my head of my big hobnail boot literally kicking them over the moon. This destructive person has mellowed, and that is good. What was bad is that it took a really, really long time. I have been truly and deeply hurt by this person. There is still a form of love, it is not the same as it was in the beginning. I have wanted to run a thousand times, but I've been blessed, or cursed, by having the ability to see things at all angles. I know how to put my self in someone else's shoes and see what they see. I don't always agree with them. I don't mind telling them so.

    I look at things very different now than how I used to. I have learned by trial through fire. It is fierce and hot. I consider my self a very tempered steel blade. I am a warrior and will not be humbled. I chose this path for a reason, it was hard and it's not over, for I still live. I am a better, stronger person for it. I believe my family is too. I am at peace with my decisions. Do I wish I had the foresight to prevent things? Of course. Do I wish for unlimited power to change the circumstances of my life? Of course. Does any body really have fore knowledge and the complete power to change other people, or life circumstances? Of course not. Does everybody change? Of course they do. It's called life and you change as you go through your life. Everybody does, but not always as you think they should, or to what degree they should. But then that is an opinion isn't it? Just yours, it might not be the same for someone else.

    So I stopped beating myself up for worrying about what other people think. They don't KNOW! I know. I'm the one who decided what to do because of my reasons which were all very well thought through; well most of them anyhow, at least in hindsight they were reviewed and acted upon. What will life be like going forward? I'm sure circumstances will dictate. Had I all my resources available all the time I may well have changed plans. But in the end I chose this life for these reasons and I refuse to have any regrets knowing all that I do. I know in my heart I always did my best effort. My life, just like everybody else, has had it's highs and it's lows, and I still look forward to each new day.

    People like to assume because you are in difficult circumstances that you have lost the ability to reason well. You know you. Would you say that of yourself? Your life is going to be what you make of it, in all of it's ramifications, good and bad. So really think it through carefully. Do you want to change this? Do you want to change that? What will likely happen when a choice has been made? Doing nothing is a choice, don't forget. Also, don't forget that this is not a race, take as long or as little as you like to decide. Decide what resonates best for you.

    Besides you know you can always change your mind. Might not be the same circumstances any more, and that might trip you up. You will be living with the consequences of your decisions, that's OK though, don't let it freak you out. Also remember that at best you can influence someone, but you cannot truly control someone, only yourself.My advice is to live with out many regrets, own your choices. They are real, they are good, they are yours. By the way, time gives you amazing perspective! I wish I had known a lot of this years ago, it sure would have helped. I'm going to assume it was one of the reasons for my life on earth, to learn all of these life lessons. Best of luck to you, now go do something special for yourself, you really are the best!
    1747 days ago
    Psychiatrists / psychotherapists often try to treat the healthy rather than the sick. It's easier for them.

    My own sister is Bi-polar with psychotic tendencies. I had much the same issues as you.

    I finally learned to say, "NO". I am not sick. My sister is sick -- treat her and her disease. I am not going to enable her or her doctors with meek compliance.

    I told my sister that it was her battle to fight and I left. You must learn to say "NO" and leave that person to his own battle, too.

    I wish you all the very best. It IS difficult -- but you can't fight a battle in a war that is not your own.

    "Change is not something that we should fear. Rather, it is something that we should welcome. For without change, nothing in this world would ever grow or blossom, and no one in this world would ever move forward to become the person they’re meant to be.”
    ~ Author Unknown ~
    1748 days ago
    If we can't make them leave then we have no choice but to up-root ourselves to get away from the abuse. It isn't easy for the sane person, but as the sane person you need to take care of yourself and being in this relationship is not good for your sanity. I wish the best for you. emoticon
    1748 days ago
  • no profile photo ATGOALWT
    Sometimes the person who stays "gets" something form it even though they swear they want the bad behavior person to stop. When you spend 24/7 blaming your problems on another then you don't have to take responsibility for your own life or look at yourself. Some people don't want to leave the destructive person as they will be free of this drama and really don't know life in any other way and they feel uncomfortable. That's why it is recommended that the person who doesn't leave a bad situation have therapy and also therapy for the person who is strong enough to leave transition to a new life.
    1749 days ago
    I feel your frustration and pain; it is not fair that we are affected by other's bad choices. State it and accept it; it is not fair. But as we all learn from the time we are old enough to reason, life is not fair. Trite but true. Children get cancer, the sober driver is killed while the drunk driver walks away, the foster mother who raises an army of other people's children dies penniless while the person who embezzled money from widows and orphans dies wealthy. So within that reality how do we make choices that are healthy, purposeful and sane? If you cannot or will not leave, consider making them leave (adult children can be evicted, abusive spouses can be removed by restraining order) or at least withdrawing financial/physical/emotional support (which means No Cooking Cleaning or Covering up for the addict.)
    Al/Anon or speaking with a therapist is NOT punishment, it is a place to get help to stay strong and move yourself to a healthier place. Sometimes we have to restate the narrative we tell ourselves.
    As the wise saying goes, it is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness. Don't allow yourself to be the victim, be the actor.
    Good luck!
    1749 days ago
    YOU cannot prevent another person from committing destructive behaviour. It's up to them to learn from their mistakes and stop.

    If you cannot make them leave -- then, for your own sake (and any children), you must leave.

    Why? Because you can't afford to subject yourself to someone else's bad choices.

    Save yourself. You are the only one who can do it. You cannot "save" another person -- he must save himself.

    “Separate yourself from those who hinder your vision. Make a choice to walk away from the trap set to ensnare you. Realize when someone is pulling you backwards every time you take a step forward. Separate from them and the result of your action will be a life of success.”
    ~ Amaka Imani Nkosazana ~
    1749 days ago
    1749 days ago
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