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Taking stock

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Today I joined another team. As I was introducing myself, I was pretty candid about my health and fitness journey. Actually, for me, it's more like an hegira, because it's an escape from an undesirable situation. With that said, I'm going to be strapping myself in because it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Yes, stealing a Margo Channing line does make me a bit of a drama queen. If you've never seen "All About Eve", do yourself a favor and get your hands on a copy. It's the best.

I joined SP in 2008 and only within the last six or seven months have I gotten involved in the community. It's been a real eye opener. Everyone is so different yet so alike. There are times I read a blog and think the author must be me. As I've made my way through life, it's not like I didn't know that other people struggle with weight loss issues, but I've never been privy to their thoughts. Both my psychologist and personal trainer have told me not to compare myself to others, because I don't know what's going on in their lives. I've been so wrapped up in whining about my lot in life and obsessing over food that I never stopped to consider that someone else may have far more problems than I do. After reading blogs, I no longer have the same tunnel vision. I can empathize with others, become a cheerleader, and be a bit of a counselor. Heck, I haven't spent years in therapy and not come away with a fair amount of wisdom.

While I was in my late 20s and early 30s, I first started seeing social workers. It took me another 40 years before I sought out a psychologist dealing with eating disorders. I'd been having thoughts of suicide, and I finally had the means to pull it off. I'd had a diabetic kitty, and, when he died, I hung onto the insulin and syringes. The fact that I was even thinking about ending my life was enough for me to seek counseling. What's interesting is that my therapist was the first person who told me that losing weight would be hard. I had spent a good portion of my life trying something new in hopes that getting thinner wouldn't be so difficult.

Through the last couple of years of therapy, I have found out there's two different kinds of motivation - external and internal. Throw a weight loss contest my way, and I'm all in. I usually win too. When the contest is over, I tend to retreat to my old habits. Since I was loathe to find time for any exercise, my therapist badgered me until I joined a gym and starting working with a personal trainer. It's been a life changing experience. First I would show up and do nothing until it was time to start my session. Mind you. Even though I have a treadmill sitting in the basement, I didn't know how to use one. That changed quickly. When it became apparent to me that I was wasting my session just warming up, I came in earlier so I would be ready to go. Since I was just leaving the gym after my session was over, my trainer "suggested" it might be a good idea for me to get in some extra cardio. Now that I've been at this for about nine months, I've come to realize Tom suggests nothing. He's telling me what I should be doing. Spending two hours at the gym today was pretty much my motivation for writing this blog.

Unfortunately, my nutrition hasn't been nearly so stellar as my workout habits. The two grocery stores in the area do not have a single pint of Unconditional Chocolate left in their freezer cases, because I personally have emptied their shelves one container at a time. That's what happens when you have a pint-a-day habit. I am willing to admit that because I've reined in my inappropriate eating habits. I've set a goal for myself, and I'm determined to meet it.

OK that was cathartic. Anyone who might actually take the time to slog through this blog might label it as self-indulgent. Don't worry. I wouldn't disagree with you.

Take care!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You are an amazing and wonderful person!! This blog is not self-indulgent. You are opening yourself up, which is never easy to do. You are letting others know that they are not alone in their journey!!
    You have learned a lot about yourself and have come along way. You will learn to conquer your Unconditional Chocolate habit because I know you can do it. Think about all the hard work you are putting into your body and try taking it from there. I know a mind set is not easy. It's kind of like an on and off switch in your brain, I happen to have one, or so I described it to my hubby. Right now mine is set to on and I pray that I can keep it there.
    I will be here pushing you, but you are doing so fantastic on your own.

    Many many emoticon
    1429 days ago
    Personal change is absolutely one of the hardest things you can do in life. That's one of the things I love about SparkPeople. Most of the folks here are actively working at being the best possible version of themselves. YOU are certainly in that category! Good for you for having the courage to tackle what will be a life-long project!
    1432 days ago
    This is a great blog and not self-indulgent at all. A while ago I apologized for a blog and someone kindly reminded me that although others may read it...the blog is for ME. Even when I write a blog and nobody comments, I don't mind anymore, because I try to make every blog mean something to me. I'm out to impress, lol. The most important thing is to have no regrets, right? It sounds to me like you're doing a good job of letting go of any regrets and looking forward to the road ahead! Good for you and keep it up!
    1432 days ago
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