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I Paid That Debt

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Sometimes the universe gives you a swift kick in the pants. There was one tiny loose end still connecting me to my ex-husband... The bank account I opened when I was a teenager- My first bank account. MY account, until I unwittingly, very near the end, added him to it.

I didn't want to give up MY account just because we were divorcing. It had my history attached to it. I wanted the credibility.

So I created a justification (as I see it now, tonight). I left him on it with his agreement that he wouldn't use it, and the overdraft protection that was a debt would be consistently paid, giving him a better chance at a decent credit score. And in the intervening years that he's been living with his girlfriend, I kinda forgot about that aspect.

I procrastinated my way into disregarding it, and ignoring the vulnerability that it left me exposed to. Luckily, nothing really happened. But, speaking through his girlfriend, they stated they were just about to close the account without my permission (MY account), which would freeze all assets, including enough money that I had let accrue in the checking to pay the debt.

So after being incredibly outraged (almost in this order) that she dare try to nose in on my personal financial information; that he felt he had any right to anything I had; that either of them could threaten me with deadlines and theft; that I let myself get into that situation; that I didn't care for this sooner; that I was still engaging in something that I allowed myself to say was for him, allowing myself to indirectly indulge in the co-dependent "altruistic" behavior that I actively sought to escape... It goes on and on. Until, a few hours later, after I paid that debt and moved the rest of the money to my independent account, that I repeated over and over that this was for the best.

And it is.

I don't need to drag around that crap. I don't need it hiding, like a concealed weapon that I could use, or, more likely, have used against me. It doesn't even matter that he lies to her, that he doesn't "remember". He makes his own, twisted reality. And I seek truth. Nothing is more true than that account should be paid and closed.

And I am free of that debt.

As it should be.
I will get lighter every day, until my spirit flies.

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