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I'm on to my self

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

A few months ago, I promised, via a blog, to share some lessons learned from my visits to a very helpful therapist. This is a therapist who has restored my belief that therapy is a useful tool. Well, she and a friend of mine who is also in the profession and who is a very balanced, wise, kind person who seems to really help the people she sees. Let's face it, some of us know some people who bill themselves as counselors or therapists, or who possess advanced degrees in psychology or psychiatry, who are NOT people we wish to rely upon or bare our souls to. I have known a few who really caused me to look askance at therapy. Anyhow, back to A., a woman with great sense of humor and the willingness to really listen to me and engage with me. Frankly, I don't want to fork over a $55.00 co pay for 50 minutes of someone looking at me blankly and repeating the phrase "and how did that make you feel?"

So, at our most recent visit, I was telling her about my current state of deep acceptance, and renewed willingness, to really face my reality. Truly accepting that I have eaten my way to the point that my one and only precious body is being forced to drag around 30-50 pounds of excessive, unappealing, uncomfortable, taxing fat. I shared with her something that I am reluctant to admit, that makes me squirm a bit, actually. And, yes, since I mentioned it, I am going to share it with you, Sparkly ones. I have mentioned, many times, to you all, to my friends and family, and to A., my kind therapist, my "wonky" thyroid. I dug deep, shoved my ego aside, found a bit of courage, and asked A. "Do you think I hide behind my malfunctioning thyroid? Do you think I use it to excuse my current state of obesity like some addicts I know use the excuse of a "bad back", to get pain pills and more pain pills?" (Note: I also know other people with terribly painful back problems for whom pain meds are necessary for mobility and quality of life - I do not confuse the two groups, believe me - I have great compassion for that kind of suffering.) As I further explained to A. "My wacky thyroid does NOT order pizza. It does NOT visit the cupcake store. It does NOT stop at the convenience store for salty sugary silliness." So, I am on to my self, in terms of wanting to make that stupid little butterfly shaped gland the bad guy in this struggle. It is not THE cause. It may not help but it sure isn't the main problem. There are a lot of people who have similar ailments who are NOT dragging 30-50 extra pounds around, because they are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to compensate for the issue. So, there you have it. One more step on the road out of Denial Land. Honestly, it's a relief. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Great blog!
    1376 days ago
    You nailed it again. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

    1376 days ago
    I had to chuckle b/c at my doc appt last week, he wanted to send me for blood tests, including TSH. I agreed, but told him that even if my thyroid turns out to be wonky, I can't blame it for all the overeating I do. I eat more than I move, there's no mystery in that. So I applaud you for declaring it here, to all your Sparkfriends, and Sparkpeople. I love that you aren't hiding behind a condition. I love that you're owning your actions. I do, too, but then still struggle to make new actions that all reflect this way of thinking. So, now on to us behaving like we think we should! Go, us!
    1376 days ago
    Oh . . . my . . . heavens! You nailed it yet again! For a LONG time (since 1998 to be exact) I used my thyroid disease as an excuse. When I was finally ready to pick up the gauntlet and challenge myself to face reality . . . it's MY mouth that got me into the situation I was in. Sure, having an underactive thyroid doesn't help matters, but it's not insurmountable. It takes a little extra effort but it's possible to get healthy! THAT'S exactly what I chose to do when I joined SP in Jan. 2010. Once the excuses are shed, then the work of getting healthy can start in earnest.

    You nailed it. You are onto you!! And good for you!!!
    1378 days ago
  • DAISY443
    The things that I blame for not letting me exercise are the very reason I need to exercise! Age, weight, bad back, high blood pressure, copd, wait, I can probably think of more! You have spoken well, my friend!
    1378 days ago
    Thanks for this wonderful honest blog!! I recently came to the realization that I am going to lose this weight in spite of my underactive thyroid and my Lupus which makes me take massive amounts of steroids. I am still the person putting those bad for me things in my body and I have the power to stop myself. emoticon emoticon
    1378 days ago
    Yep--we need to take responsibility for our behavior. I could blame Du's cancer for my weight gain, but I know that is not the problem. I could blame my bad knees for being unwilling to walk as much, but when I started on this journey and began walking, I remember the pain from walking at 280 lbs. Everything hurt--back, knees, hips, and walking any distance at all really left me gasping for breath. I only have knee pain now, so that's really no excuse. I could blame a lot of things for gaining 30 pounds, but I'm not going to do it. And like you, it's a relief to once again realize it's up to me...I'm in charge of the decisions I make and I am determined to start making better choices! It's working! I'm down 7 of those 30 pounds and on my way back down to 150.
    1378 days ago
    1379 days ago
    Thank you for the honesty, and the bravery to share.
    Getting something like that out in the open only makes you stronger literally by the second. It adds strength and resilience to your daily armor, and fills up your energy reserves by allowing more of the beautiful things of the day to occupy your mind (and heart).

    Unloading something heavy like that leaves room for growth and beauty my wonderful friend!!
    As I often say (and say once again for good reason), thank you for posting!
    You help us all be accountable...
    1379 days ago
    Super therapist, super blog!! The butterfly (gland) and the pizza . . . yeah!!

    emoticon emoticon

    I know that I am extremely clever and devious in finding "reasons" why weight is tougher for me than for other people . . . thanks for reminding me!!
    1379 days ago
    Great insight....once you realize something like that, it has to help you make the right choices more often, although I can certainly understand that thought pattern. It's easy to feel like when there is a situation that makes it harder to lose weight that it's impossible. It's harder but not impossible. Good job!

    1379 days ago
    Isn't this blog the definition of honesty and bravery together? Well done, Carole! Not an easy thing to be on to yourself this way and sharing it with the rest of the world. Now move on down the road out of Denial Land and dig deep. What other things fall into the same category as the wonky thyroid? Don't get angry with yourself, though. We all have things that we've been hiding behind. Admitting them is the first step in getting out of our hiding places. When the hide n seek ends, YOU will be the winner.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1379 days ago
    oh my! if it isn't the thyroid… then we have to face reality! that crap comes from… yikes! emoticon choices… we'll have to make better ones...
    1379 days ago
    oh crap! does that mean I have to stop blaming mine????!! LOL.

    I am finding that 90% of my journey as of late is game busting. Digging deep and routing out all that got me here in terms of thinking. Good for you. Thank you as always for sharing with us:)
    1379 days ago
    Well, that is some deep stuff. I imagine, if you and I, got out of our way, we would be unstoppable. You're right though..your thyroid does not make you eat crap. I know for me, feeling sorry for myself does. I love your willingness to get dirty!
    1379 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1379 days ago
  • OOLALA53
    Sounds like YOU are onto you... So, if the thyroid doesn't pick up the food, what does? (Hint: it's also not sadness, irritation, resentment, fear, fatigue..) I think you're close. emoticon
    1379 days ago
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