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So glad this day is almost over...

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

The day started all wrong at 1 am. I woke up, and couldn't fall asleep again, and ended up stuffing my face. I finally fell asleep again, and slept til 11:30 am. I woke up, sat around for a few minutes, decided I wasn't ready to face the day, and went back to sleep until 1:15 pm. At that point I got up for the day.

As I've mentioned {many times}, I am bipolar. I'm more inclined toward manic anxiety than depression, but sometimes I do swing towards depressed. That's where I was when I got up. I felt sad, and crummy, and just generally lousy. I knew I was in for a rough day. Usually bad moods slip up on me in the afternoon or evening, but it was raging as soon as I woke up today. Not a good sign.

I immediately decided I wasn't going to the gym. I know, that would have probably done wonders for my mood. I knew it then, too. But I felt lousy and crappy and just wanted to wallow. I did manage to make a healthy breakfast of eggs with salsa and a thin bagel. Then it was time to cook lunch and I was REALLY not in the mood to cook. I seriously considered not cooking, but I talked myself into it.

And then? Then we didn't like what I cooked. It's very rare that I cook something we don't eat, but today was one of those days. There wasn't really anything else here I could make quickly, so we decided to go grab something. Dh wanted Taco Bell, and I agreed. I had 3 chicken soft taco supremes. I know that probably sounds like a lot to a normal person, but it's actually 2 bean burritos less than I normally eat. I tried to show some restraint.

After we ate, we ran to the store, then came home. I called my grandmother, and without relaying the long story, the short version is that she made me mad. Really mad. I grant you, with my mood already in the crapper, I was probably more mad than I would normally have been, but the reason didn't matter much. Fact is, I was fuming. I got off the phone with her and ranted and raged to dh, who nodded understandingly and agreed with me that she's a pain in the butt. I then made a smart decision... taking a sedative. I was wound up so tight and so angry it was making me feel anxious and restless, and just generally like crap. So I said... welp, this is what they were prescribed for... and took one. About an hour later I felt much better.

Then I did something else smart. I took a shower. I always feel better after a shower. After taking the sedative and the shower, I was feeling okay. Still blah and down, but my anger had abated. I read a magazine for a little bit and tried to relax. Then I was hungry, and made some food. I made a grilled cheese sandwich and some soup. Ate it. And was still hungry. Which was rather unfortunate, cause tomorrow is grocery day, so there isn't much in the house to eat.

As the sedative started to wear off, I started feeling worse. I tried playing some music, I tried turning on my oil diffuser. Neither one helped, all I could do was think about feeling crappy and wanting food. So I did what I swore I wasn't going to do, and asked dh to go get us some more fast food. I had this whole mix of emotions... giddiness at having this food to eat... and guilt at knowing what I was doing to myself.

But, the best thing about today? It's almost over. Despite the bad choices I've made today, and all the other crap that comes along with my mood taking a turn for the worse... I'm actually feeling pretty optimistic right now. I'm telling myself, it's one day... one lousy, crappy day. And those are gonna happen from time to time. But tomorrow... tomorrow is a whole new day, a clean slate. A chance to do things right. And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to wake up in the morning and act like today never happened. I'm going to make healthy choices and get right back on track.

Despite there being little redeemable about the day, I did make our menu and grocery list for the week. I took the time to plan healthy things, and also try to go easier on our budget. We spent a fortune last week. I think we're gonna do a lot better this time.

Tomorrow is also therapy, which is some very good timing. After waking up and eating two nights in a row, and then having a day like today... I clearly need the therapy. Hopefully she will have something wise to say that will help me stop having days like today.

For the rest of the night, I'm just going to try to stay calm and mellow, and hope I get some sleep tonight. I'm feeling better now, just thinking about making tomorrow a better day. I'm gonna spend some quality time with my magazines and my books and relax until I'm ready to sleep.

I hope everyone had a great, non-moody day today!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1411 days ago
    I hate being in a bad mood!! Usually I am a pretty happy upbeat person but sometimes a bad mood just can't be helped. My younger daughter can push all my buttons and it takes a lot of will power not to scream my head off at her. But today is a new day!!!

    As for spending a fortune at the grocery store, I hear you. EVERYTHING is so expensive. Having 3 dogs doesn't help either. I know I buy too many different treats for them but they are my babies.

    I am going into the office today so I will probably be in a bad mood by the time I leave. That place drives me crazy which is one reason I work from home.

    Still very proud of you!!

    Have a great day today!! emoticon

    1411 days ago
    emoticon You are right tomorrow is a brand new day! I hope therapy goes well :)
    1412 days ago
    1412 days ago
  • JO88BAKO
    Days like that really stink. The good news is, tomorrow is a new day. One day at a time, one good choice at a time. Have fun grocery shopping tomorrow. Bella and I lost our car in the parking lot at Costco today and walked around in the high heat and humidity pushing a heavy cart. Finally found it, yikes!! Glad you go to therapy tomorrow. Hope you have a good night!
    1412 days ago

    Your goodie today caused me to feel good about myself, thanks! You had a rough day and now I find you still were able to send kind, caring words for me!

    Yeah being bi-polar sucks, especially when you have depression/anger. I am glad you used your medication and tried everything you could to lift your spirits.

    For myself yesterday it was also a call from with a family member that sent me down hill. Usually I enjoy talking with my Dear Aunt Jean. During the conversation yesterday, I just kept getting more frustrated, irritated and angry with her. Luckily something came up on her end and that stopped our conversation. Being upset with her lead to a long evening. I was so glad when it was bedtime, one of my medications is an anti-depressant/sleep aid. I had good dreams and a long 8 hours of sleep. Today was a good day, a clean slate like you said. I hope tomorrow your clean slate fills with happy moments!

    Hope you have a good night of emoticon dear friend and your time with your therapists helps!

    emoticon starts tomorrow! emoticon
    1412 days ago
    Tough day! that said, I see loads of little things you did 'right' during the day. It's a process, right? You made a lot of good decisions today too! Hugs!
    1412 days ago
    1412 days ago
  • MARYBETH4884
    Sorry you had such a bad/ frustrating day, but like you said tomorrow is always a fresh start!
    1412 days ago
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