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Feeling like a fraud...

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

First of all, I want to say thank you so much to all of you that left comments on my blog last night. You're all so supportive and encouraging and it means the world to me.

Unfortunately I'm not sure I deserve the praise. About 3 hours after I posted last night's blog, I was shoving food in my face. I laid down and tried to go to sleep, and I couldn't fall asleep. And I couldn't think about anything but food. I tried to distract myself, but nothing was working. All I could do was think about eating. So after laying there, rolling around and having insomnia, I gave in and ate. I ate 2 veggie burgers and 2 small bags of rice cakes. I felt like nothing in the world could have made me as happy as I was when I was eating. And then as soon as I was done, I regretted it. I felt guilty and ashamed of my weakness. I'm trying to get something good out of it, and take it as confirmation I need to talk to my therapist about my food issues. I mean, okay, so I was hungry and couldn't fall asleep... wouldn't one veggie burger have been enough? Did I have to go back for the second one? I didn't NEED that second one, didn't even really want it, but I felt like I should just eat and eat. So I did. I've made the official decision that I need professional help to deal with my problem. My appointment is Thursday.

But on the bright side, I did get myself sorted out today. I slept later than I had planned and felt like crap when I woke up. I had the "I blew it, so why even bother to try today?" attitude going on. I seriously considered making a big breakfast, eating it, and going back to bed again. Instead, I decided to think for a few minutes before I made any decisions about what kind of day I was going to have. And while I was thinking, I got on the computer, and came to SP. All the comments and Goodies and encouragement was what turned my day around. I read the messages and found my motivation again. I talked sense into myself, that eating last night was not a reason to keep a bad thing going today.

So first I made a healthy breakfast. Eggs, a thin wheat bagel and some watermelon. At that point I was still thinking I was going to blow off the gym, but after some more serious discussion with myself, I decided to go. I'm glad I did. I did another 30 minutes today, and of course felt SO much better when I was done.

I came home and answered some messages and did a few things, then made lunch. I made a chicken with spinach and artichoke hearts thing. It was okay, not great. I also had steamed broccoli and cauliflower, a single serving of macaroni and cheese, and a salad. All in all it was a satisfying dinner, and I was proud of myself for having only one serving of macaroni and cheese. A "serving" used to be a whole box, and this time I had one cup. So horray!

After we ate lunch we didn't do much. Watched some political news, read a book, read a magazine and hung out with dh. Quiet evening. Then it was time for dinner. I had soup with extra canned tomatoes and a veggie burger.

It has been a surprisingly good day, considering the attitude I woke up with this morning. I was REALLY not in the mood to care. So I say again, to all of you that left messages and sent Goodies... thank you. You saved the day for me! I've eaten healthy and exercised, two things I was not planning to do when I woke up.

Hopefully tonight will go more smoothly. I'm tired right now, but my body has a way of being tired 2 hours before bedtime and wide awake at bedtime. But hopefully I will lay down and actually drift off to sleep tonight, rather than ending up in the kitchen stuffing my face.

Tomorrow I'm planning on going back to the community center for another workout. Even though today was 3 days in a row of working out, I'm not feeling as tired this week as I was by that point last week. So I guess I'm seeing some improvements. I'm hoping to wake up a little earlier and get my day going, also. And I'm cooking dinner of course.

For now I'm going to relax and read, and try to be as chill and mellow as possible until bedtime and hope I sleep. I hope everyone had a great Tuesday!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh dear...some times in life are harder than others. Be kind to yourself and make the healthiest choices you can while you sort things out.

    1382 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    hugs to my dear friend!!
    1382 days ago
    Have you tried OA?
    1382 days ago
    I am sorry last night was rough but good recovery by not giving up! I think the times we have an obvious choice, not just being ruled by our emotions, mean all the difference and you chose well!

    You are so not a fraud though. We all screw up and slip sometimes. It happens. Next time we will do better. Its great that you see you have a problem and are going to talk to your therapist about it! I hope they can offer some insight and/or help!

    1382 days ago
    A fraud would not admit to a setback, even a relatively minor one. You are the furthest thing from a fraud in my book. One of the reasons I really find your posts helpful is the candor that you put in every post.

    Consider putting on your scientist hat. This will come up again. Being awake at night is a crucial moment. Toughing it out is not working for you, but there is nothing wrong with you and you are a good person.

    You have really good knowledge and skills about choices, so often you do make good ones. Many of your meals are so balanced and appropriate.

    What is a doable action for next time you are awake and hungry? One that doesn't require any real thought or motivation? Can you have a gentle rule? Such as, If I wake up in the night hungry, I will wait 10 minutes (or have a glass of water, or whatever sounds doable) between each item I eat? Can you read a positive motivational statement out loud to help?

    Note that you have been successful before, was there anything different about those times that you can repeat?

    Research suggests that making a written plan (made with as little drama as your grocery list) can make this easier. Write down all the things you could do and then choose some as plans to implement. Any time you don't follow the plan, examine what did happen so the plan can change to work better for you.

    We're here for you. You can do this. Use what works for you and discard that which doesn't.
    emoticon (sometimes the darts don't hit the center, but you still get points when you hit the board. Each throw is another chance to hit center, and the more throws, the higher your score)
    1382 days ago
    At least you ate healthy things! I would have been eating bad things like cookies. So give yourself credit for that. You are doing really well. So you had a bad night, that happens and will continue to happen occasionally. You dealt with it quite well, I think, You got up and started over and even went to the gym. Great Job!! You keep up the great work!!
    1383 days ago
    Hey, we all slip and fall. It's part of the process.
    1383 days ago
  • JO88BAKO
    Oh no Cat, no fraud, no way, no how. I am glad you have an appointment for help. Awesome. Wish I could. I've been "out of it" for about 3 months, to much stress, to much emotional eating. I have made a big decision. Tomorrow I'm pushing the reset button and am going back on the wagon. This is something we can do, one good choice at a time, one day at a time. Hugs
    1383 days ago
    Getting healthy is a process and we all have times where we are going along great and then blow it. You turned it around today and that's great. Just remember, the messages may have motivated you but YOU were the one who did the work and made the right choices today. Hope you have a good night tonight. emoticon
    1383 days ago
    I think you are making a wise choice to talk w/your therapist about your relationship with food. Proud of you for making that choice!

    HUGS and my dear, you are NOT a fraud. Do you think a fraud would have blogged about last night???? NOPE . . . don't think so. YOU did.

    Give yourself credit where credit is due. You didn't blow the day due to your unplanned eating.
    1383 days ago
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