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Late Nite Funniest

Sunday, July 06, 2014

I'm trying to figure out what to make for the Fourth of July. Hamburgers and hot dogs get a lot of attention, but the Fourth is really the blueberry's day to shine. When you need a blue food to round out your red, white, and blue items, there's nowhere else to turn but the blueberry. -Jimmy Kimmel

Every year, the blueberry has it right where it wants us. I say good for the blueberry. It deserves it. -Jimmy Kimmel

In Iran there's a TV show, a sitcom — it's weird that they even have a sitcom. But it's a rip-off of "Modern Family." They use Iranian actors and make shot-for-shot re-creations with the same plots and jokes. But their "Modern Family" has no gay characters. The most modern family on Iranian TV up to this point is the Flintstones. -Jimmy Kimmel

Seven Stones is a traditional game they play in the Middle East where teams compete to build and destroy a pile of rocks. "Seven Stones" is followed by "How I Met Your Mullah." -Jimmy Kimmel

At the World Cup, the U.S. team defied all expectations. They were not expected to get out of the first round. They took the dreaded Belgium into overtime. They call it extra time, but I don't. It's overtime. -Jimmy Kimmel
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Unfortunately Belgium won it, which is ridiculous. I didn't know Belgium was a real country. You know what they call Belgian waffles in Belgium? Waffles. -Jimmy Kimmel

It's hard to lose to a nation of pacifist chocolatiers. -Jimmy Kimmel

But all work stopped this afternoon when the game went into overtime. Productivity did suffer. I'm sure that happened in a lot of offices across the country. There are no sporting events that increase productivity. It's not like you hear, "Wow, this U.S. Open makes me want to crank out these expense reports." -Jimmy Kimmel

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

It's better to have loved and lost a short person than never to have loved a tall. -David Chambless

"I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach. -Bill Muse

Do you remember the smile on the little girl's face when Frosty the Snowman came back to life? Well, that's kind of how I felt today when the honorable Mayor Rob Ford returned to the city of Toronto. It's always a great day for a city when their mayor comes back from rehab. -Jimmy Kimmel

We're now down to the final 38 weeks of the World Cup. This morning when France played Nigeria, it was the first time an American referee ever officiated a knockout round match. The French won it by a touchdown. -Jimmy Kimmel

New Rule: [slides of two "glamorous" mug shots] The criminal in this mug shot that went viral last week must hook up with the lady from this mug shot that went viral two years ago...and rob the **** out of Abercrombie & Fitch. You know, because they're good looking. -Bill Maher

New Rule: Republicans have to stop saying that all those Central American kids we're detaining prove we have to secure the border. The border is secure. How do you think we caught all those darn kids? -Bill Maher

New Rule: The Republican prankster who keeps following Hillary Clinton around in an orange squirrel costume...has to stop. First of all, she's not even running for president, yet. And, secondly, why a squirrel? Oh, that's right. Because Republicans like to gather all their nuts in the fall. -Bill Maher

New Rule: Since we imported four billion pounds of food from China last year, I don't need to know that a Chinese Walmart once sold mislabeled donkey meat - that's what it was supposed to be - that was actually ground-up fox! If I can't trust Walmart brand, Chinese-made, fox-free donkey burgers -what can I trust? "Walmart Donkey Burgers. One bite and you'll say this tastes like ass!" -Bill Maher

A big movie opened. "Transformers: Age of Extinction." You know, the Transformers — they transform. They are robots in disguise. I don't know if it will do well. After all these World Cup games, Americans can't handle any more excitement. -Craig Ferguson

The Learning Channel's new show is called "Buying Naked." It's a reality show about nudists buying houses. You know the thing about nakedness: People say I want to see you naked and then you see somebody naked and you think, Oh, I spoke too soon. It is better in the concept form. -Craig Ferguson

Last night Hillary Clinton said she won't support legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials in Colorado couldn't respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of money. -Jimmy Fallon

A big movie opened today. I'm very excited about it. "Jersey Boys." It's based on the Broadway play. It's about the hot musical group all the kids love — Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. -Craig Ferguson

Crack-smoking mayor of Toronto Rob Ford is returning to Canada. He's been in the United States in rehab. He's going back to Canada. He traded himself for five Taliban prisoners. -David Letterman

Over the weekend Afghanistan held its presidential election run-off. The way it works is everyone runs off, and whoever's slowest has to be president of Afghanistan. -Seth Meyers
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