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Sister Still Pushing Buttons

Saturday, July 05, 2014

My oldest sister is 10 years older than me. The first five years of her life, she was the only grandchild and lived with my parents and grandparents. That means 4 people to give her all the attention.

When I lived in Alabama, Barb and Mom did quite a few things together. When I returned, naturally I spent time with Mom.

Barb started commenting that I was trying to take over. (?!? - I thought I was spending time with Mom.) Then, whenever Mom needed help with something, it was "Get Patty to do it. She's not working." I originally worked on and off. I volunteer a lot. I am on Disability.

When Mom got sick last fall, I became proactive in Mom's care.Barb had gone to a doctor appointment with us. Mom took the paperwork in the house. Mom decided she didn't need them and threw them away. Barb called me asking where the papers were. I asked Mom and relayed what she said. I was yelled at and told that I had to go back to the doctor and get copies of the papers. I was supposedly in charge of them. She had a fit when I told her that if she wanted them, she should have either taken them or a copy with her. I wasn't going back. She could go if she wanted to.

Mom got sicker. Barb became MIA. When I got the shingles, she said she would help mom out. The visiting nurse and my brother came one day. The nurse asked where the pills were. Barb brought them in the room in a bowl all mixed together. She announced that I must have been there and did that. (shingles and all!)

Mom sold me her car. Barb went to the garage and noticed the car was no longer there. Mom's short-term memory is diminishing, furthered along with being sick all winter. Barb came back in the house telling Mom that she was still responsible for the car and if anything happened, it would be Mom that would get sued. My brother told her that it was sold. It obviously didn't sink in. She came back two days later and had Mom upset again. I called Barb and said that the car was sold. She and Mom didn't have to worry about the car anymore. She called my brother and pitched a fit. She then went to Mom's and had her call me. She yelled and screamed at me without even taking a breath. I hung up. She called me every name in the book to Mom and headed to the police station to make a stolen car report.

My Mom keeps saying that she doesn't like sibling rivalry. I keep telling Mom that I am not in competition with my sister. I decided it was in my best interest to let things go, to not talk to her. I will be polite to her when we come in contact with her as long as she doesn't start spouting off on me. She has now started doing the same things to my brother.

Barb still comes over to Mom's and wanders through the house looking at everything. She went downstairs yesterday into the fruit cellar and in an extra dresser that's behind the furnace. She came back up asking Mom where the stuff was that used to be in them. Mom called me upset, thinking I had taken things without telling her.

I asked my mom if she remembered us going through the fruit cellar and dresser. She was upset and didn't.

I just get tired of someone continually blaming me for things that happen when in fact it's either something she did or something she doesn't have to concern herself over. As you can tell by my long-winded blog, as much as I try to separate myself from her, she just keeps coming and coming. I never in my wildest dreams thought my sister would think of me in this way.

Has anyone else had a similar problem? Any suggestions? I did make efforts to sit and talk. She is back drinking and no matter how hard I try, I really can't argue with a drunk. But the buttons are still being pushed. I don't want them pushed anymore.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh Patty, sorry to hear all the grim details... Definitely come take care of me, no one will bother you hear, I'm on my own, Dave is avoiding me, always does whenever I need help....

    My sis did tell me off when I stay with my mother to help her out there 2 years ago, and I seldom speak to her. It was her dh that just died, and she ended up calling me yesterday after hearing of my fall. Didnt' seem like any hard feelings, she was concerned and we also spoke of her dh and how she said good bye to him and how my bro was there and helping her with details. The service will be down here in Badedeck, about a 2 hr. drive from here, where he grew up. I don't know if I will even get to that, will need someone to drive and keep my leg up, but definitely won't be going to PEI for burial.

    now he's on the phone telling his mother how horrible it is to have to sleep in bed upstairs, cuz I get the good bed downstairs cuz I can't climb the stairs, and how he has a sore back... What a pity! Poor little boy, gotta get his mommy's sympathy.

    Sorry I wasn't any help with your problems. Is there anyway you can get a Home Care worker in and only visit when she's there and you don't do any of those things .
    At least you knowwhat you are doing is right, but horrible to blamed for things you didn't do
    1384 days ago
  • THIN133
    I'm so sorry to hear about all the garbage you're going through with your sister. It can be so stressful & heartbreaking ! Sadly, dealing with family isn't always pleasant especially when you are dealing with dysfunctional members. I have dealt with that my whole life on both sides of families. It really stinks ! It's impossible to talk reasonably with an insane or irrational person. Pray. Stand tall & strong. Do what's best for your mom & hopefully your brother can be a pillar of strength & support for you too. Journal all you can & try to not let the drama & dysfunction to drain you of your joy & happiness you have in your life ! Seek counseling if needed too, whether emotionally, personally or legally to protect yourself & your mom. It sounds like sister has some serious problems. I'm sending you good thoughts & prayers ! emoticon
    1385 days ago
    My mother passed away 17 years ago and we were always of the same page. I was told I was her favorite but I know my mother loved all of us, just in different ways. I have no suggestions for you but hope you can find some resolution.
    1385 days ago
    I have sister and she is 4yrs older than me. She was the perfect child in that she did everything the way she thought my parents wanted them to be done. I swear that we were raised by two different sets of parents(even though we weren't). She blames everything she has ever done wrong, bad, made a mistake from, or needs to lay some blame about on the fact that she could never please our dad. Both my dad and me are always perplexed at the stories she tells about her childhood. My dad is not aware of how much she blames him for her F'ed up life. She never takes responsibility (literally) for anything, she shifts blame all the time and she even gives it to strangers or worse her children. (that's a whole other story). I think you should keep a notebook with your mother of the things you do, clean up, clear out, etc. And have your mom sign off on it on what day it happened, the memories shared while doing it, and why she thought it was a good idea to "get rid of" whatever it is you two go through and you sign it as well. Basically to show the mother, when this happens again and NEVER leave it with your mom or your sister will destroy it. The story about mixing your mom's pills is scary to me. It makes me wonder if she doesn't have a secret life insurance policy and just waiting for your mom to pass away. Sorry, but i always think the sinister ways. I am not a pessimist, i just view things differently! emoticon
    1386 days ago
    I'm so sorry that I can't give you any suggestions! I have never had to go through that with my family! "Thank God" My heart does out to you! Sending you lots of hugs today!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1386 days ago
    I don't have any good advice, except to say you are doing the right thing by distancing yourself. You don't deserve that kind of grief and abuse. You're being the bigger person by taking a step back. "Not my monkeys, not my circus", just repeat that to yourself when she's getting to you.

    Good luck with the situation, I know how frustrating it is to have a family member that's so darn difficult!
    1386 days ago
    I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with this. My girlfriend had something similar with her aunt, and the only thing that worked for her was to build a mental Plexiglas shield around herself to deflect all the negativity. Every time a screaming insult was directed her way, she imagined it hitting the Plexiglas and bouncing off harmlessly. That allowed her to keep her calm and ignore much of the hostility. You have to protect yourself. Stay strong and peaceful!
    1386 days ago
    I am so sorry that you are having to deal with so much pain in your life right now when it should be filled with so much joy. My sister and I have just recently reconnected and are finding joy with each other after so many years. My heart goes out to you as there is so little you can do to deal with those who are addicted to any substance. I will keep you inmy thoughts and prayers. emoticon
    1386 days ago
    It's hard to deal with people like that. I usually distance myself the best I can from them. But honestly I think I would find a way to make it where she can't go to your mom's and make a justification that it makes her so upset and she is already ill. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all that. HUGS.
    1386 days ago
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