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STEPH-KNEE Uncensored... Volume 1

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Friday, July 04, 2014

So I am always very honest here on Spark...when I'm doing great my blogs are all about positivity and emoticon's and emoticon's.... and when I am in the pit of despair, they are doom and gloom, but usually with some positivity sprinkled in at the end to try and help me to get out of the pit. I've always been honest and I always will be... but I will say that when I blog, I am very aware that at least 1 person is going to read it. So I do come back and make edits, and try to see what sounds right and what doesn't. Sometimes (rarely) I leave things off that I chose not to share at the time... it just really depends.

When I journal, it is just free flowing. It doesn't matter if I'm upbeat or negative, or if things don't sound quite right... and I don't have to worry about what anyone thinks because no one will ever see it. Well today I was journaling and thought maybe I should share this on Spark. Now here's the thing, it was NOT at all very interesting, and it was long and very wordy. So I am not going to post it verbatim this time... if I have any other journal entries in the future I chose to share I might go that route.

The only thing I will say is remember these are my inner most thoughts and feelings, and they won't always be pretty... but I do feel Spark is a "safe place" and that is why I have chosen to share. I know many of you might say "don't be so hard on yourself" after reading these types of things, but this is me sharing that sometimes I have to battle those negative thoughts, and I don't always win.

To get down to the nitty gritty... I really started to feel like a failure today. I am 188ish and I was 185 at Halloween. I have said this countless times, but I have been in the 185-199 range this entire time. Today it hit me that it was JULY. It hit me like a ton of bricks! I was clearly a failure. To add insult to injury, I hit Onederland (199.6) on July 23rd 2013. Almost an entire year has past, and I am only a stones throw away from where I was. The way things were going, I thought I'd be at goal and maintaining by now, and instead I feel like I am standing still. How could I let all those months pass me by, gaining and losing the same 15 pounds. I was very disappointed in myself.

I tried to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones... I can chose to focus on the past 6 months that I can not change, or I can focus on the remaining 6 months of 2014. I could accomplish a LOT in those 6 months if I really focused and put my mind to it. So for the majority of the day I focused on making it a good day. But then there was a knock at my door, and it was the Binge Monster. emoticon I am sad to say I didn't put up much of a fight... it was kind of like "Well... you really shouldn't be here... but it's late so just come on in!" Not only did I let him win so easily, I let him win more than once. emoticon In fact I am sitting here bloated as I type this, and it is not a good feeling ha ha.

The thing is, I thought I beat the negative thoughts... but they were still there. I still felt like a failure, I felt like I had wasted so much time and I know I am a saboteur of myself. I already knew I was in a vulnerable place, there is something about this weight range that really just scares me... it is too close to success, and I think I still battle the negative thought that I don't deserve to be successful. I know I do deserve it, and I try to remind myself, but I don't always win.

The good to come out of this is this: If I hadn't lost the weight each time I gained it (the 10-15 pounds), I would be well into Twoterville and who knows if I would have regained 40-50 pounds in the last 8 months. I know I can gain 40 pounds in record speed if I give up... and I have yet to do that. I will never give up because I want this too badly... but I am really having a rough day today and that is where I'm at. I know life can't always be emoticon's and emoticon's but sometimes I wish it could be. emoticon

So there you have it... STEPH-KNEE Uncensored Volume 1... I struggle, I get down on myself, and sometimes I feel like a failure. I know that isn't true, but sometimes it is how I feel... I will work that much harder on feeling like a success for Friday, and not being so hard on myself. Thanks for listening, and if you made it this far you deserve some applause. emoticon

emoticon This is just a quick edit based on some of the comments I got... I am not on a weight loss plateau... to me a weight loss plateau is when you are doing everything right and your body just won't let go of the weight. When I say I am gaining and losing the same 10-15 pounds, it is totally because of what I'm doing. emoticon I do well, I lose weight, I get to a low number and I start eating and going off plan. What I am doing works when I'm doing it, but obviously when I stop and start eating a bunch of junk is when the weight comes back on. It is very much a mental thing that I have to keep working to get past.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Very honest. emoticon
    1313 days ago
    Thank you for sharing. We all need to read this
    1333 days ago
    Sometimes, you've just got to be real. I think we all "get that" and agree!
    1358 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts you will never know how many lives you have touched with you honesty one day at a time
    1410 days ago
    I'm going through the same mental thing.....I wish I knew the answer. The only thing I can come up with is to just keep one foot in front of the other. This is a battle we will have the rest of our lives. So, we have to push along. I think, eventually we'll get there.
    1417 days ago
    Most of us do get to that point where it seems like we are struggling with ourselves. I finished 2013 on fire and on track just to fall off and put back most of what I lost and have played with the same 8 lbs for the last few months. You are not alone with this struggle and sadly I am no where near my goal.
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    1434 days ago
  • MIMI315
    I hope you know that reading your blog made me feel better. Not that I want anyone else to be feeling negative about themselves, but it's nice to know that other people are struggling as well and that there's hope to get past it. Sometimes when I'm in a negative mood about losing weight (which has been quite a while now), reading super positive blogs just make me feel worse because it makes me think about why I can't be like that. So thank you fore sharing your honest thoughts. I did my first workout after like a month yesterday and reading this today makes me want to keep going. emoticon
    1434 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/15/2014 12:33:38 PM
    Hi Steph,

    Your post hit the nail on the head for me today. I got on the scale this morning and I have gained ,4 of a pound. I've been having an argument in my head ever since! The battle between, - Rov and + Rov is raging! ".4 of a pound?" You say?, Yup. Seems pretty stupid to someone who doesn't struggle with their weight.

    Let me explain, in about 2009. I started Sark people at 330 pounds. I lost weight and hit 249 pounds by the end of June 2010. Lots has happened in the interim. Suffice it to say, I ate my way up to 280 pounds. That hit me last week, and I am now back using the tools at Spark People. Although many say one should not weigh daily, I know from research, and from my own experience, it's the only way to keep myself accountable every day. Over the past week, I went from 280 to 272.2, then today the scale said 272.6. Immediately, - Rov went into her diatribe, mocking me, making me feel like a failure, telling me to give up, the whole 9 yards. On the other side, +Rov was waging a meek battle with -Rov, trying to overcome the negativity. Nothing helped until I opened your blog a few minutes ago. You don't know it, but you just may have saved my life today. You essentially hooked up to the positive side of the rope in my tug of war and helped + Rov win this battle. I appreciate honest and try to do the same when I write. God bless you for your truth today!

    1435 days ago
  • ANGELN325
    I love this blog because it's so real. For me, it's almost refreshing to read a blog when someone is struggling (like me). I don't feel so alone or a failure because I realize it's a part of the process for some people. I've been on SP since 2007 and to see 7 years come and go with me starting out successful just to gain it all back makes me feel like a failure sometimes too, but then I tell myself the only failures are the people who permanently throw in the towel. I haven't done that and neither have you so we are still winners who haven't crossed the finish line yet.

    emoticon emoticon
    1438 days ago
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    1438 days ago
    Wow. Talk about hitting the nail on the head. I lost 80 lbs 3 yrs ago and have done an amazing job of keeping most of it off. But since Dec. I've put a 17 back on again off again. You're post was great. Guess we are all human. It got me on track again for one day anyway. But as they say one day at a time. Keep on keeping on. emoticon
    1440 days ago
    A volume of reading for sure.
    1441 days ago
    I love your realness and I appreciate it! I am going through the same kind of cycle right now, and feeling the same way. Thank you for sharing.
    1441 days ago
    1441 days ago
    Loved it!
    1442 days ago
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
    1442 days ago
    Thanks for writing that! I've been there too -- gaining and losing the same pounds, on what might look like a plateau but isn't. It's just bad eating, excuses, and an inability to really re-focus and start a prolonged losing stretch again. Like someone else said, maybe it is a mental plateau, a reluctance/resistance to really letting go of our old comforts and habits and make it to goal.

    Good luck to you, and keep being honest. It helps all of us.
    1442 days ago
    I am inspired by your openness and so glad you have not completely given up! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1442 days ago
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    1442 days ago
    thank you for your posts.
    1442 days ago
    Thank you for this blog. I totally understand where you are coming from. I have to get a grip on myself at times too. It is so easy to revert, but we are strong and determined. You can do it and so can I. Thanks again.
    1442 days ago
    1442 days ago
    I like real! I appreciate your thoughts here.
    1442 days ago
    The binge monster is evil. I actually had it occur due to the posting from Spark with the jelly bean picture. It put such a craving in my mind. thanks for sharing your ideas. It really helps.
    1442 days ago
    Awe my dear friend, thanks for sharing, but as you see and know, these things happen on our journey.

    So proud of you though for not giving up.

    The cat pic is cute and funny.

    I'll be glad to get to onederland some day.

    1442 days ago
  • BECCA315
    I, too, am totally honest when I write, and have also been 'floating' at 205-210# for the last 18 months. Many excuses pop to the front of my mind, but I know it's because I let the food demons win more than they lose.

    Keep up the good fight...

    Becca emoticon
    1442 days ago
    you wrote about how I live my life....thanks.
    1442 days ago
    Thanks for sharing your true thoughts today! It's what we all go through.
    1442 days ago
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    1442 days ago
  • KIMMYLOU2012
    This was just what I needed today. I have let the whole of 2014 go by me and done NOTHING to help myself, until this last week. So I can understand, at least you kept your eye on thisng s and id nit gain 40 pounds. I have gained 20 since th beginning of the year. We can do this. I think you see here how many other people are facing hte same demons you are.
    thanks for posting, I needed it. emoticon
    1442 days ago
    Great post. I also wonder why we sabotage ourselves? We want our cake and eat it too! LOL Good luck. we are all just putting 1 foot in front of the other, trying to get to the other side.

    1442 days ago
    Oh, dear, you truly are too hard on yourself. But take it on the bright side. You ARE here, haven't given up, and will rise and shine again. Not to mention that now, we are VETERANS in this, so...we'll get over our struggles and move on! emoticon
    1442 days ago
    I am also in the same boat! Little by little kept gaining weight as family problems became bigger so did my emotional eating which then became my bad habit. I am still at step 1 of my journey because I am falling back much faster than forward. I started Saturday eating healthy but each day is a struggle! So there are many of us struggling but we encourage each other with every little step of progress we make
    1442 days ago
    Thanks for sharing. I can relate so much to this. And I'm glad that you keep it real. I wrote a similar post this morning about my own struggles.
    1442 days ago
  • TIGGER2908
    Thanks for sharing. I sometimes feel that I'm all alone in this issue. It's good to know that there are others struggling.

    1442 days ago
    Thanks for posting. It's good to know that others struggle too. As long as you remember at the end of the day to keep trying and trust that you can do it. :)
    1442 days ago
    You are right to be thankful that you did not gain back the 40-50.... because that is exactly what I did. Then I just didn't log in to Spark for, oh, probably a year. You know, ignore it and the problem will go away... Ok, so now I am back! Developing my habits again. And the weight will come off. Onederland sounds so fabulous right now!

    You can beat this! And so can I!!!!
    1442 days ago
    Yep that binge monster does not play fair and sometime he catches you off guard. We have to find a way around him....but he is tricky and nasty.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon GET MONSTERS now!!!!!!
    1442 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/7/2014 9:18:26 AM
    Wow! So, while on this weight loss journey to Health, you've found out something about yourself -- You Are Human!

    Funny creatures aren't we?! We are the saboteurs of our good intentions.
    We think "I'll just do it this one time", "I'll get back on track, after the weekend", "Oh, I can have Pizza and beer tonight, I haven't had it in months", or the famous ~ "I'll start again on Monday/in July/tomorrow."

    I AM the slowest loser .. I have lost 66 lbs ~~in NINE , yes 9 years! At my age I won't live long enough to reach normal weight. I'm only living part-time.

    So, you have proved you know What to do, and How to do it, and even that You Can Do It!
    Now, I am wishing you Strength and Stamina= to Live the way you know you should...every day, not just part-time.

    1442 days ago
  • GLOBEE77
    Looks like pretty much all of us have been in the same type situation! I appreciate your sharing.
    1442 days ago
    I hate that binge emoticon too! I let him get me last week! Got to move on and stay in control.

    emoticon + emoticon = emoticon

    1442 days ago
    The well-intended "plateau" comment is something that kinda irks me, too, and your definition is right on target. The fact that I gain and lose the same kilo over and over is not because of some body chemistry thing. It's because I'm eating too much too often. On the other hand, there may be a kind of mental plateau that we reach when we just aren't ready to succeed, for whatever reason. And those are sometimes harder to conquer! We can do it!

    As always, appreciate your out-there honesty!
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    1442 days ago
    I always feel better after reading your blog because I can see I am not the only one who knows what to do, but still struggles with doing what I should & maintaining. May we all continue the battle! emoticon
    1442 days ago
    1442 days ago
  • AMBER461
    Thanks for sharing, don't give up.
    1442 days ago
    I don't think I have to tell you about my gain and loss of the same 10-25lbs. It's always due to poor food choices. And by that I don't mean a burger and fries once a month I mean a couple of cinnamon buns/inhale the bag of chips and dip a couple times a week binging bad choices. Blah.

    Track it and then turn around and make your body feel great and show it that you love yourself by feeding your body healthy food.

    You've got this. We've got this!
    1443 days ago
    I totally relate! I've done the same thing, losing and gaining for the last year, same 10 pounds and I'm 15 pounds away from goal. BUT I'm healthier than I've been my whole adult life and at least I'm not doing the huge yo-yoing I did for 25 years! I've started to think of it as maintaining above my goal weight. I think my body is still getting used to having all this weight gone, and eventually I'll lose the rest. emoticon
    1443 days ago
    emoticon emoticon I remember all those nights when my Husband was at work and I would feel lonely, and then I would always eat a lot! Once I recognized that is what was triggering it, I started to work on changing it into something positive. Once I did that, then I was able to control the nasty little trigger bug that kept popping up in my head. I know you can do this! You are worth it! I know how difficult it can be, but just channel all that negative energy into something positive and you will be on the road to success! Keep us posted! We are here for you! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1443 days ago
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    1443 days ago
    You're not alone!! We're changing years of habits and for many of us it will take a year or two to really kick in. Hang in there! You know what's going on, so just keep on moving!'
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    1443 days ago
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