I've gained 30 pounds since I started grad school 2 years ago. Yep, there. I said it.
From my lowest? Let's just say I am back up at my highest. And then some.
The gloom and rainy tapping on the window should really indicate my mood, after all my trip to Europe was cancelled last week after the professor at my school quit. And while that would be enough, I had already purchased my non-refundable airfare. For $2000. True story.
Instead? Instead I am in a very weird place. Between my eating disorder and my struggle with depression and anxiety, I made the decision to get back on and increase my medication (with my doctor's blessing).
It was almost an instant shift... from oppressive to acceptable. And then it got stranger. A couple days in, I noticed that I just wasn't as hungry. I thought it was weird. I'm not intentionally eating well, or counting calories, or exercising. In fact, historically in times of crisis in my life, I am eating out of control.
Not this time.
It took me a couple days to recognize it, about a day to be curious about it, and an "aha" moment in which I remembered that this medication was supposed to help with the eating disorder symptoms, as it often made people feel less hungry when taking it.
No way. No way no way. I had been on this forever. All I did was change the dose.
But it's the only variable that I changed and so I can't ignore what are very obviously different behaviors.
Eating normally. Normal amounts. Normal food. Feeling a sense of fullness. Not finishing a meal because it's sitting in front of me. It's strange, but it's a blessing and a look inside people's lives who probably don't obsess about and/or over food. Food is just food I guess. You eat when you are hungry, you stop when you are full. I guess that is how it is supposed to work.
Since it's been nearly 2 weeks now, and the results have stayed consistant, I'm going with it. I'm thankful that even if it is short-lived that I can see what it's supposed to be like. Even when I was at my healthiest, I was counting every calorie I ate and compensating accordingly. Perhaps that wasn't so healthy after all.
This journey I am on to unravel my eating disorder really has moments of greatness. I am going to count this among them.