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Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I've had many lessons since June 15th. I've continued learning about what works for me and what doesn't, hubris, my skills/lack there of as a leader, and what demons I'm still grappling with.

First off, my rockin' teammate, Jane, wrote this amazing blog:

I was already a texting buddy with someone who was attempting to avoid bingeing, as I was.

I was also inspired by LucyLu22 and her fabulous Streaking Challenge for the BLC (5 days a week of 20 minutes or more of exercise for the 12 weeks) and by Emerald Elephant who did a 100 day exercise challenge and WOWed me, and then by a newer team member, Emssbears who started a 100 day challenge on June 15th for anyone to join and to put in whatever challenge they wanted. (And this was her second one... she is AWESOME!!!)

Well, my mojo and motivation was in high gear. I was coming off the high from the sheer honesty and fabulousness that Jane gave me via her blog.

So I pledged... no bingeing for 100 days.

Yes, I have a problem with bingeing. When I look at anything I struggle with at this point in my weight loss journey, it is probably bingeing. I've got my good habits in place. I love exercise now. I prefer to eat healthily. I have treats in moderation. But then... this emoticon takes over (maybe a flying monkey?) and all of a sudden I'm inhaling food and just not paying attention to anything - my hard work, my discipline, how my stomach is feeling, etc. It all goes back to feelings of being out of control, scared, alone... and food was the one thing I could do to "stick it" to certain people in my life.

Yeah... um... that sure showed them. emoticon

Anyway... it's still a demon I live with every day. It's an addiction issue.

So, flying high, I started the challenge. I'd already been binge free for over a week? More? And I was going to DO this, by golly.

And I did. Until Day 2 of the challenge. emoticon

And I was too hard on myself. I was ashamed and I changed my ticker to a "days without bingeing" ticker, so I'd be PUBLIC with this battle.

But wouldn't you know it, it just made me feel worse.

And then I had a bout of fibromyalgia. Or maybe I'd had one since the day I started bingeing. One question is whether the fibro caused the bingeing or whether the bingeing caused the fibro, but in any case, as soon as I let go of the guilt, the shame, the feeling that I had to do all or nothing - BAM!

I'm back to normal. No fibro, no urge to binge. And Beth, bless her (Emssbears), is letting me continue alongside those who can REACH 100 days. And I will cheer them on every step of the way.

But what I have found out is that pressure does not help me on my journey. I don't do well when I feel someone else is "telling" me what to do. Even if that person is... me.

I've watched folks like Beth go through AMAZING odds and stick to something because they said to others that they'd do it. I admire that tremendously.

This is clearly another thing for me to work on. And that's all it is - something to strive for. It doesn't make me "less than" because I didn't fulfill that. Even as a Captain for Azure. Yes, I'd like to set a perfect example, but then... I'm not perfect.

Ultimately, when I make an unhealthy choice, the ONLY person I'm letting down is me.

And that should be enough in itself.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Jen - emoticon you are so right! We are dealing with an addiction. A very tough one to overcome, as we cannot cut out our "drug" from our lives and we have to learn to control it as best we can. As any other addict does, we are going to have lapses. The main thing is that we are trying to make these lapses occur less frequently and to recover from them faster. Then we need to reflect and learn why it happened - that is what you have done. emoticon This feedback helps us to come up with some strategies for the next time we are faced with the same situation.
    We are all different and recognizing why we lapse, is such an important part of of our journey. As a leader you are not expected to be perfect - in fact it helps others to know that you understand and struggle with the same issues that they do. We are a team! And remember
    T - together
    E - everyone
    A - achieves
    M - more. emoticon

    By being so honest and transparent you have helped us all but mainly you have helped yourself. emoticon
    The 100 day challenge does not say that you have to be 100% but that you are going to work at and focus on this for 100 days. Any days that you manage to control your binging are steps in the right direction.
    You are doing emoticon . You are a wonderful leader and motivator. emoticon emoticon Jane

    1965 days ago
    Jen, it's all about lessons...the ones we learn the first time around and those we learn slowly. It will always be this way. The lesson is to acknowledge and change.

    1967 days ago
    Thank you for your transparency, Jen. That's a sign of a true leader and a good teacher, as I've been teaching my students (and re-learning myself) this semester. Azure is blessed to have you. But you win over bingeing for YOU because you're worth it!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1967 days ago
    Dude...I have had many a conversation with myself about just think..
    Thank you for posting this.

    You can do day at a time!
    1969 days ago
    You are doing great and no one on this earth is perfect and is not ever going to be so you can just forget about that, we can only give it our best shot. This challenge was never meant to stress anyone out or make things worse it was only meant to allow people to reach deep down within themselves and see what they had and go for it and try to maintain it for a period of 100 Days and see what a difference it made after that length of time or for however long they could make it. If you stumble then you start over and you make it for 90 Days or 80 or whatever it there is no judgment. It is and was not my intent for it to be construed that way - for me it was a FUN way of seeing how long I could go.

    So I am glad that you are back relax and have FUN with the challenge, see where it takes you.
    1969 days ago
    You are doing fantastic! Still at it! That says a lot! Pat yourself on the back and look straight ahead for the next steps! emoticon
    1969 days ago
  • MAZZIE973
    Sweetie, no one expects perfection from you EXCEPT you. You need to cut yourself a little slack. We are here to support you, not judge you. You're doing wonderfully! And you're such a great motivator and give tons of support!

    As for the binging, that's a tough one to beat. I have no advise on that one...other than one eating opportunity at a time. I can relate to the feeling that you expressed over why you overeat...that it's your way to stick it to others. Doesn't make any sense rationally, but it's an emotional thing. Almost like forming a shell.

    I'm glad you're feeling better, and hope that you continue to do so! You're such a wonderful person!! emoticon emoticon
    1970 days ago
    You are doing great! I have been working on learning how to flex my self-commitment muscles for the last year. Due to my perfectionism, I was terrible about breaking my promises to myself. I never would have committed to the 100 days thing a year ago for the same reasons. 28 days at a time has been much more manageable for me. And even when I messed up, I had to learn to be okay starting over again.

    Even after working on this for a year, there are certain things I wouldn't commit to for 100 days because I know I wouldn't do it and then would be too hard on myself. So I'm only committing to 100 days of what I know I can accomplish and want to be consistent with (not something that is still a huge struggle for me because that would be too much pressure!)

    Don't be hard too on yourself! Sometimes, flexibility and wiggle-room is exactly what you need to be successful! You can do it Jen! Remember that the real lost battle isn't the bad day or the bad week, it giving up on yourself. As long as you keep going, you are winning!
    1970 days ago
    Last week was a frustrating week, and yet here you are optimistic and ready to make this week a good one. You are open about it and sharing your experiences so we can all learn from you. That, and your constant nurturing and support, are what make you a great leader. I know you are going to learn from this, move on, and be successful. I think we as a team will all have a better week. emoticon emoticon
    1970 days ago
    Jen I so know where you are coming from, I have bouts of this also, Mine is usually brought on by stress. That's what makes you such a great leader, you let us know the truth about what is going on in your life concerning your healthy journey, we are all here struggling to conquer the beast inside us that makes us keep falling back to our old ways! We learn from each other!
    I think we expect too much from ourselves, when I was a leader I was always so conscious of every thing I did , what I said, striving so hard to try and be an impact on their lives, that I soon got lost in it all, when I fell off the wagon I would be filled with guilt, "I'm such a bad example" would run through my head. I now see that we are all not infallible, we have our good and bad days just like everyone else. The thing I am happy about is we don't give up, we see we are straying and pull with everything we have to walk that bumpy road to success..we will get there, but like I said before, we will always have to deal with "watching what we do", our food and exercise!
    A great blog Jen, it just shows that we are indeed a work in progress..I think we are doing very well, a few bumps here and there, but we do prevail!

    Hugs Elaine emoticon

    1970 days ago
  • CIPHER1971
    emoticon blog, and so true. I know I can be my own worst enemy.

    Thank you for sharing your human-ness, it helps the rest of us.

    Have a great day
    1970 days ago
    emoticon KeepingitReal emoticon
    These are the type of blogs that gives me motivation. The ones that speak of real life challenges that effect our 4LIFE journey to be healthy.

    I love the statement of only letting ME down. Meaning my journey... the good, bad, ugly IS MINE. It's designed for ME. Some choices I choose and some catch me by surprise. I am not here to compete but DEFEAT that one who wreak havoc. Thanks for the WARNING of what maybe waiting to attack as LIFE challenge us.

    Delayed Baby, NOT DEFEATED emoticon LLLLLEEGGGOOOO
    1970 days ago
  • TEKRU1
    None of us are perfect, but some of us are perfectionists. We're the ones who don't do well when we set the bar too high because we don't forgive ourselves for being human. Its about learning to structure the challenges in front of us so we can handle them - if it comes down to breaking up the 100 days to one bite ata time, there's nothing wrong with that! Concentrating on each meal, each day, even each bite will still get you to that place you want to go.
    1970 days ago
    I could so relate to your blog! Yep, I too binge. Sweet, followed by salty, followed by a diet soda! I love the 100 day challenge concept.

    Way to be honest and admit your stumble, get back up, dust yourself and continue on. Let go of that self inflicted guilt and shame, it's just wasted energy! Best of luck in the remaining days of your challenge!

    Maybe the lesson isn't controlling the binge.... more will be revealed as you journey forward.

    Please post along your journey of 100 days as to how you are doing!!! Best of luck!
    1970 days ago
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