GRANDEFILLE
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How I am learning to rely on ME for validation and success

Thursday, June 19, 2014

A few more things are coming into place....

Ever since I have started this quest, I have stumbled, found some clues of what made me unable to go back to my former self. And these past few weeks, I have found some again.

I have been very good with my food goal and it hasn't been as tough as it has in the past. Why? What is different?

I got most of my grades from University. A+, A and B+ the one I'm still waiting for looks like an A-. But there are still 2 corrections to come. And you know what? It was easy.

It is the first time in my life that I get that great of an average for a semester. Not because I couldn't, but because I wouldn't. As a child and teen, school was easy for me. I could have had great grades without working too hard at it.

But I didn't.

I should have performed to the best of my capacity, but I didn't want it. And why is that? In my life, a lot of times, I started something good, something great only to not do it as I should have... why is that?

I got here on Spark to lose weight. I started loosing got myself down from 263 pounds to about 227. That was great! I was good at it. And what did I do? I started giving myslelf a lot of excuses and managed to bring my weight to 270 pounds... Way to go Hélène! emoticon

Why is it that I don't want success in anything? Why is it that I self-sabotage when it looks like I will succeed?

I think I found something to explain that.

What did it ever gave me? What did I ever had to gain by succeeding? .... Nothing. I could have worked hard at school and get great grades but wether I did or not, I wouldn't get the attention I was craving for. Nobody was ever happy for me (or so I felt... ) I didn't feel like I was getting a WOW. It was normal because it was easy for me. So why work harder if it won't give you anything more? I was constantly looking for validation from others. I was expecting people to tell me how great I was.

I am now 50 years old and suddently realised that anything I have started was to get approval from others. So when I got close to the goal and wasn't feeling the cheers, I was giving up convinced I couldn't do it. I some distorted way, not getting the WOWs made me think I wasn't good enough. So what was it worth to achieve anything when it's not going to be enough? So the best way to get out was to quit. Better quit than fail.....

Funny how our minds can play tricks on us....

So from now on, I have decided to be my own cheerleader. To be proud of my accomplishments and not worry about others and what I think they expect. I say think, because I have come to realise that what we think the others are expecting and what they are actually expecting can be totally oposites....

So this is for me.... And since it is for me, I don't need anyone to validate it.

I will appreciate the validation from others, (it is always good for the ego) but I will do this for me. The same way I am going back to school to become an IT engineer only because I want to be one. This is my life and I'm taking it back!

Day 4 and I'm still going stronger than ever!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DOVESEYES
    Great blog it says so much to us all.
    Thanks
    1466 days ago
  • GRANDEFILLE
    thanks! I'll toast to that!

    Celebrate what you are! It is important! more important than having others celebrate it. (Althought my Ego is flattered by the fact that you are willing to celebrate me emoticon )

    and you know what? No more feeling guilty about having it easy! I am lucky and I shouldn't feel guilty about it!

    1466 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/19/2014 2:45:08 PM
  • JULIAMOONCHILD
    Spellbound! Just sat here reading your words and was spellbound by your insightful look into your past - of how it has affected your present up to this point - and of how your new-found awareness is going to change for the better your mindset for the future.

    Bravo! You have set your mind on you - given yourself challenges, goals and accomplishments and expectations to meet - and all of this done for one person only - you. And having removed from your mindset a once self-imposed need for approval from others, you must be feeling somewhat liberated. I feel liberated, myself, just reading your words - Much of which I relate to by simply inserting my own circumstances.

    Unlike you, I am not academically minded, however - not so bright, really - yet I am confident in my abilities to do certain things and truly believe that had I had at least a couple extra pats on the back, job well done, you can do it (!) types of encouragement while growing up, I might have had more of the self-confidence needed to live life without a need for validation. Man, the need for validation is like a BIG BREAK PEDDLE pressing down on one’s passion and excitement about life. Yet that is how I have lived over a half century (OUCH!) of my life. If no one said, “Wow, great job!” then it apparently wasn't that great.

    Of course, there were times when I still thought that something I’d done or accomplished was great even though no praise was coming my way from others. BUT, sadly, I didn't celebrate the accomplishment – not even in my own mind, but, instead, dismissed it as nothing important. That word – ‘important’ … it is so very relative to me now that I read your words.

    What is important to you?

    What is important to me?

    And does it matter a hill of beans if what I find important, you don’t? And vice-versa?

    Dang, GRANDEFILLE, you have opened my eyes today to a profound truth. Everything I do is IMPORTANT – To me!

    And now I am laughing out loud. You see, I just finished cleaning the grout lines on all the tile floors on the first floor of my house. Today my hands hurt and my knees hurt, terribly so, and I even have two blisters on my right hand from rubbing a hard bristle scrub brush over every single one of those f**kin’ grout lines, but WOW! It’s like, the floor looked wretched for several many years and I no longer cared. Then, one day, I cared just a wee bit and started this project. And the story could have ended there. Floor is clean – Big deal.

    But today, thanks to you, I think,
    “GRANDEFILLE is studying to become an IT Engineer and I am shopping for more grout cleaner so I can do the upstairs bathrooms – and, wow, aren't we each amazing human beings – doing what IS important.

    I am going to celebrate today. Gonna celebrate me and all the important things I am doing and going to continue to do for me.

    Oh, and I’m gonna celebrate you, too. After all, you may not have cleaned a bunch of grout (we each have our own gifts) but getting an IT degree ain't bad either. emoticon

    Love Ya!!! emoticon

    1466 days ago
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