A few more things are coming into place....
Ever since I have started this quest, I have stumbled, found some clues of what made me unable to go back to my former self. And these past few weeks, I have found some again.
I have been very good with my food goal and it hasn't been as tough as it has in the past. Why? What is different?
I got most of my grades from University. A+, A and B+ the one I'm still waiting for looks like an A-. But there are still 2 corrections to come. And you know what? It was easy.
It is the first time in my life that I get that great of an average for a semester. Not because I couldn't, but because I wouldn't. As a child and teen, school was easy for me. I could have had great grades without working too hard at it.
But I didn't.
I should have performed to the best of my capacity, but I didn't want it. And why is that? In my life, a lot of times, I started something good, something great only to not do it as I should have... why is that?
I got here on Spark to lose weight. I started loosing got myself down from 263 pounds to about 227. That was great! I was good at it. And what did I do? I started giving myslelf a lot of excuses and managed to bring my weight to 270 pounds... Way to go Hélène!
Why is it that I don't want success in anything? Why is it that I self-sabotage when it looks like I will succeed?
I think I found something to explain that.
What did it ever gave me? What did I ever had to gain by succeeding? .... Nothing. I could have worked hard at school and get great grades but wether I did or not, I wouldn't get the attention I was craving for. Nobody was ever happy for me (or so I felt... ) I didn't feel like I was getting a WOW. It was normal because it was easy for me. So why work harder if it won't give you anything more? I was constantly looking for validation from others. I was expecting people to tell me how great I was.
I am now 50 years old and suddently realised that anything I have started was to get approval from others. So when I got close to the goal and wasn't feeling the cheers, I was giving up convinced I couldn't do it. I some distorted way, not getting the WOWs made me think I wasn't good enough. So what was it worth to achieve anything when it's not going to be enough? So the best way to get out was to quit. Better quit than fail.....
Funny how our minds can play tricks on us....
So from now on, I have decided to be my own cheerleader. To be proud of my accomplishments and not worry about others and what I think they expect. I say think, because I have come to realise that what we think the others are expecting and what they are actually expecting can be totally oposites....
So this is for me.... And since it is for me, I don't need anyone to validate it.
I will appreciate the validation from others, (it is always good for the ego) but I will do this for me. The same way I am going back to school to become an IT engineer only because I want to be one. This is my life and I'm taking it back!
Day 4 and I'm still going stronger than ever!