Fed Up!

OK, that's it. I've had it with myself. No more excuses. No more "oh I'll do better," "things will get better once I start feeling better emotionally," "I'll run tomorrow."

No. I'm done. I'm not going to make excuses anymore. I'm mad at myself for what I've let myself do after all the hard work I put in.

I got weighed at the doctor's office today - 171. I got home and weighed myself on my scale - 167.5. I've gained almost 30 lbs. And that really pisses me off. I'm going to make some immediate lifestyle changes that I know will get me back to health in the end. I'm going to be totally honest with you guys, because I probably have not been the most honest with myself.

I've had a day of reflection today after a sleepless night and I've come to the following conclusions:

1) I have to cut down on my drinking. I'm sure a lot of this weight gain has been a result of adding hundreds of calories via alcohol. I firmly believe that my last night was totally sleepless because I didn't drink anything. I have to get a grip on it and go back to running instead of alcohol when I'm feeling low.

2) Enough with the "I'll run tomorrow." No, I will run today (OK well not TODAY as I'm recovering from food poisoning but whenever I hear myself say "tomorrow" I will say "no, TODAY"). My running has to return, I can't just say "I'll run tomorrow" and expect results. It doesn't work that way. I don't care if I get home from work at 7pm and I have to be at the gym until 9pm. I don't care how tired I am. I am going to run.

3) Enough with the sweets and fried food. Fried food is absolutely my weakness, and I've been having probably a little too much fast food lately. I also accepted a piece of cake the other day at work and immediately afterward felt sick. I don't doubt I know why!

4) I have to pick my head up. I've been beating myself up and not in a constructive way, and I've allowed myself to get pushed around and pushed in the mud by people. That's not who I was when I reached goal. When I reached goal, I was strong, happy and confident. I don't feel any of those things now and it's because I'm not trying and I'm not coping in a positive way!

So maintenance has kicked my butt a bit, but I think I've pinpointed the event that caused everything to turn around for the worse. And I'm going to make that aspect of my life better as well. Because I want to be happy and fit again. I want to run this August half marathon and feel good about the way I run it. I want to turn to healthy outlets for my stress again instead of immediately turning to alcohol or food. It's a slippery slope, and I'm not going to let myself slide.

Thanks for reading, and feel free to kick my butt into getting myself together on a daily basis! I'll need it! I'm going to start weighing weekly again and keeping an accurate weight on the tracker. I have to.