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Third time's a charm

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

The first few weeks of a mammoth undertaking (no pun intended) usually involves a significant amount of self reflection. A comment on my post yesterday spurred the realization that this will be the third time in my life I have attempted a large scale weight loss. The first time I lost 60 lbs. The second time 99 lbs. Quite literally I was half a pound from a hundred down and I spiraled. (Another sparkfriend kindly had warned me this could happen and she was right)

My fiancé has been nothing but supportive in our 6 plus years together. He is a healthy weight and has never judged me for mine but he is scared for my health. When I told him I had joined spark again his reaction was attentive but I can tell he does not believe me I will do this. Six months ago he told me he doesn't believe me anymore. That I have started and stopped so many times that he just doesn't trust me regarding my intentions. I value honesty even when it is painful and he is right. It has strengthened my resolve even more.

Today I am scared. Scared to fail. Scared to restrict. Scared not to begin. Scared to cut myself down to the raw painful place that is what I eat to hide. Scared to be seen.

Thing is I had let fear control me in all aspects of my life I would still be married, living in the burbs, working a job I hate. Instead I am living in the city with an amazing circle of friends who are my family. I own a company that has already done 3 million in sales in the first 2 quarters. I met the love of my life. So why do I doubt I can achieve my goals for my health? The fat protects me from both good and bad. It is time to let go. To realize food isn't love or happiness or comfort.

Let go of your fear with me. It is a scary road but what do we have to lose except inches?

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Clearly you are amongst friends here who understand this struggle well. You have proven to yourself that you have all the tools you need to succeed and you will do it again.

    The same has been true for my throughout my life - great weight loss successes followed by my weight growing every higher when I began my re-gain. Each year, I promise myself the same thing and the cycle repeats itself. This time, I think the key lies in mindfulness - really digging deep to find out what is going on beneath and making healthy moment to moment choices. Trying hard to express my feelings instead of stuffing them down with carbs and sugar. I look forward to following your progress. We can do this!
    1778 days ago
    I too am back again... for the fourth or fifth time... I've lost count. I think we both started about the same time when you lost your 99 lbs. I remember following your blog at that time and it was inspiring to me. I am confused why you would fear your own intentions or not trust yourself (or why your fiance doesn't trust you either). I have been on and off of SP for years and I don't think I have ever lost more than 20 lbs. each time. Each time I have come back I have weighed more than the time before. I come back because I know that when I do this, I feel the best I have ever felt and it really works. The problem is that sometimes we all lose our way or things happen in life that get us off track. That's life! emoticon I was (and still am) so inspired by the fact that you did this two different times and lost 60 and then 99 lbs!! Trust in the fact that when you have decided to start and do this, you actually succeed (and succeed in a huge way!) You will succeed again. You've done it, you know you CAN do it and you will do it again. This time, you will just have to come up with a way to make sure that you can do the maintenance when you get to the end of it. Until then, I will keep being inspired by you, hoping that I can do the same thing that you did and this time I hope to stick with it, not let life get in the way, and lose my 100 lbs. We can do this!! emoticon
    1976 days ago
  • JSPIN74
    Good to see you...glad you're here still fighting the good fight with me.

    Sucks to have to fight certain demons but MUCH better than the alternative right?

    ...and I'd always prefer the company of the self aware...the fighters who are striving even if failing sometimes....we can do this! We might be doing it til our own forevers, but it's ok.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1988 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/13/2014 9:34:38 AM
  • JOYFUL1977
    1990 days ago
    You can do it!
    1992 days ago
    Don't be afraid of failure!! you have achieved wonderful things in your life already and this is no different. you can do this, but not trying because you're afraid to fail is a cowardly thing to do/say.

    I know you're stronger than that and you can do this! believe in the strong, amazing woman that you are

    1996 days ago
    ok you might think this is crazy, stupid or whatever - but check for a local crossfit box. It is for EVERYONE! Every movement, skill, workout can be scaled for everyone! I have found my love for working out all over again! The support, the love, the community is AWESOME! My 8 yo son is doing kids crossfit and there is a 60 yo grandma is my morning workouts with me! It really is for everyone - no matter of age, size, weight, skill - it doesn't matter! Most boxes (our term for gym) have a free workout/tabata on Saturdays. That's nice so you can meet the coaches, and the people who attend the workouts. Since you live in the city, you might have a few to chose from. You know how to do this, I believe in you a 100%! emoticon
    1996 days ago
    Please don't think of failure. What is past is history. Be positive.
    Just go about your day. doing what YOU know needs to happen. You have the strength and ability to succeed. Make yourself Number 1. Put You first. Don't advertize your intention, just do it. Others can figure it out in time.
    I started weight loss many times. Would announce to family, friends and for a while it worked. then I slip up and, gain. I saw in my daughters face, eyes when I told her I was started a new weight loss plan. We had all been down that road before. The last time, she told me, she would support me, but had no faith in my carrying out any weight loss. If I wanted to die of obesity , she couldn't stop me.
    Besides proving to myself I could curb my addiction, I needed to prove to her I did care and wanted her to be proud of me.
    I had always excelled in everything, My addiction to food, my use of food to satisfy other needs was not going to get the best of me.
    It's been 4 years, 5 months, I still need Spark. I track my food. I track ,my exercises. I exercise daily. I will probably be doing this for the rest of my life. But it's worth it. Any unhappiness I sometimes feel in not eating something, or working out, is nothing compared to the unhappiness of being an obese 335 lbs. women.
    So get on the Spark track. Don't try to do too much at once. It's one step at a time.
    I know you can make it. You have a fantastic support team here on Spark.
    Believe , be strong, stay positive.
    Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1996 days ago
    Not to push anything on you Ashley, but have you considered therapy? I went to a ED group last year and it was so helpful, and I continue to go to therapy on and off when I feel the need for self care. I have gone from binge eating/dieting to eating intuitively and enjoying food without going crazy with it. Feel free to message me. I am not selling anything, just offering support. I know how frustrating it is to keep going at it and not getting the results you want. As for your fiancee, please know that you do not have to do anything for him and you have no need to prove anything. If he doesn't believe you, it doesn't matter. He still loves you, as you are, right now. I can only wish you all the best. emoticon
    1996 days ago
    Sometimes to overcome our fears we just need to work out what they really are. I used to be afraid I would never lose weight, but really I was afraid I would but my life would still suck and it was easy to blame my lack of friends,or my crummy job or my no love life on being overweight. I then lost the weight and gradually gained it and more back so the new fear became, if I work hard and diet and lose the weight will it just come back ... the real fear of course was failing to make life changes that were permanent ... spark has been a Godsend to me and I hope your journey (at whatever pace) becomes a life long journey to health not just about the scales (even though for many of us that is the main focus at the start)

    Time to prove to yourself you are worthy, you are strong and you can stick at it even when life isn't easy and eventually your family and friends will see this time is different
    1996 days ago
    I so understand your fear of failure, it is what kept me from working on my health for years. I had succeeded in losing 60 lbs. and gained it back and then some when I let myself slip that first time. However, I learned something important from it. We take one day at a time. Not a week, not a month, and definitely not a year. One day, and if that doesn't work, you take one hour, and maybe even one minute. It's a matter of baby steps, not the big picture. Hold your head high and know that you are worth every minute it may take to learn those habits that will help you develop better health! You go, girl, you've got this thing!!!! emoticon
    1996 days ago
  • GINA180847
    In your new picture (the most recent) I see fear in your eyes. What on earth do you fear? You are beautiful at any weight and from what you say you are successful in love and career. You haven't done anything to deserve to be afraid. But I think most of us understand what is going on and we can only cheer you on.

    1996 days ago
    Ashley this journey is hard no matter how many pounds you have to lose. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I've started over and all I have to lose is 30 lbs. 30 lbs isn't anything compared to the 99 lbs and 60 lbs you have lost. I have been on spark since 2010, I log in damn near every day over these last 4 years and my tickler is still at the beginning of the line (LMAO)!! It's ridiculous! And right now, I don't care if it takes me 4 more years to lose these 30 lbs. I am determined to do it and it will happen eventually.

    Love yourself, love who you are, love what YOU have accomplished and love your fiance'! To hell with ANYONE who don't like it!!! You deserve to be happy. And don't be afraid, nothing beats a failure but a try!! emoticon


    P.S. Did I tell you yesterday that I'm glad your back??? If not or if so, I'll say it again!! emoticon
    1996 days ago
    Fear can be very crippling! I am older and wiser now ... I don't have a weight problem ... I have an eating problem. I eat for all the wrong reasons. It's time to face facts ... we are smart, capable women. Let's start acting like it.
    1996 days ago
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