25,000-29,999 SparkPoints 27,770


Tuesday, June 03, 2014

It's not a secret that I have been in therapy for an eating disorder for the past year and a half. Last week I hit my first real wall, the kind that makes you want to quit. I spent the week angry, for no reason I could connect with, and everything has been a little messy in my life.

Today, I went again even though I didn't want to. It was one of those days where nerves were raw and everything was getting under my skin, so adding therapy on top of it was like pouring salt in the wound. Well, it was and it wasn't.

We talked about the fact I didn't want to be there. I told her I was pretty much done with everything and everyone and that I just wanted answers so I could start to work on things because I was really tired of this self-discovery process. I talked about the fact that I still had no idea what had set me off in session last week (she told me I needed to focus on staying in the moment because what I had been doing wasn't working) but that whatever it was had carried over throughout my week. I told her that the only thing I could identify, even though it wasn't the whole story and didn't land exactly right, was that I planned because I could never count on anyone or anything in the present moment and if I planned, I could control the outcome.

So, that started the process of unraveling the truth. She offered up the following: Planning my life has been my safety net. I always worked meticulously to ensure that every little detail was worked out so I could know what was coming, but the problem is that it isn't working for me and that it is part of the problem. It stirs up emotions, and strong ones at that, because my pattern is to plan and if I don't plan, then what the hell else am I supposed to do? Planning has been my survival resource.

Ok. So that landed. I have started paying attention to my body's reaction to things, and this certainly resonated. So it leaves the question, what the hell else do I do?

I'm exhausted.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow Paula. I have to say I had observed the same pattern in you since we became friends over the last 3 years! Control is safe. Control is easy. Control is numb. You are an amazing, gorgeous, successful woman. Time to bask in the glory of all that and let you shine girl.
    1750 days ago
    You breathe...you keep going...you keep pushing forward.

    Take care!!!
    1750 days ago
    I am a planner, too, with a husband who is NOT a planner ... and 24 years later, I am still a planner and he is, well, not the bane of my existence ... but I have certainly refined my ability to develop multiple contingency plans! Although I am not in control, I know God is, and therein lies my safety.

    Hugs to you! Wish we lived closer.
    1750 days ago
  • PJH2028
    I understand. We should could talk....
    Transitioning to more unknowns here too. Maybe i stopped. Struggling but an still fish out of water. Xxxxxx
    1751 days ago
  • HAPPYMAMA20121
    just live by the moment. I was a planner to until i meet my husband and he taught me to live in the moment and life is to exhusting if you just plan it out. I listen to him and he was right. I just let everything go and now i am a happy wife and mother of two wonderful kids. emoticon
    1751 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.