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How did I get back here?

Tuesday, June 03, 2014

Haven't we all asked ourselves this question?

It doesn't just apply to health.

Bad relationships, bad job situations, bad mental states it goes on and on.

Three years ago I lost almost 100 lbs. I felt good, I looked good. I felt happy. Happy because I took charge and accomplished something. I was no longer in pain daily. Then I had a death in the family and I slowly lost my way. It wasn't a conscious decision. It happens slowly. One less day at the gym here. One extra serving there. One extra night of margaritas with coworkers quickly becomes a regular activity and then boom. We are back in shametown wearing the clothes we had almost given to Goodwill.

The spiral that can accompany this is painful and shocking. It is easy to hide and punish yourself. That is what I have been doing. Then one day the fog cleared and I was heavier than when I started SP before. I am in pain constantly. My self esteem is very low.

This isn't an issue of just being positive or not being hard on myself. I have to be honest and say I am back to comfort eating. To being lazy about cooking healthy meals. Solace is not at the bottom of a pint of Ben and Jerry's (my personal crack dealers). What I did find at the bottom of that pint was the realization that this is how I got fat last time and it doesn't make me feel happy. It makes me scared. It makes me angry. What I choose it to be grateful I still posses the tools to change. I am not a lost cause. I was angry I needed to do this again. That I felt I wasted all my hard work. The reality is that this is a lifelong process. I will always have to make hard choices and work at being healthy. Most every does.

So how I got back here was the decision to make myself a priority again. To stop worrying for everyone else. We teach people how to treat us and if I walk all over myself others will try and do the same. We are not victims of anyone or anything but ourselves. I have the power to change. Today is the day.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hi Ashley - You are so brave, hang in there, There are so many who are in your shoes, including me. We can do this; again. It's one decision at a time. You are not alone! emoticon
    1652 days ago
  • ALOFA0509
    I've missed you sista!! Hugs emoticon
    2001 days ago
    I am going through almost the same thing...we can do this!!!
    2009 days ago
    I understand.
    2011 days ago
    Wasted all your hard work? I think not!
    Re-read your blog. Look at the resolve. Look at how much you've learned. Look at where you are planning to go!
    I've had three big weight losses in my life because the first two times I lost a lot of weight I also lost my way and got fat again. It happens. Shame? Sure. Is it constructive having this shame? Nope. Drop it and move on.
    The only way any one of us gets healthy and stays that way is by making conscious choices. It doesn't happen by accident.
    You go girl!
    2015 days ago
  • SHEILA1505
    Glad to see you again, but not for the reason. Also struggling, and working on getting back to my realistic goal weight .. this year, if I can, but next if necessary!

    Big hugs

    2016 days ago
    Girl I could have written this blog myself. I know all too well what you are saying and going through. As you already know we are the only ones who can change things around so good for you for making the steps and taking control. I'm rooting for you girlie! emoticon
    2016 days ago
    Sigh. So relateabje! Start. Stop. Etc. I'm on vacation and my day if decking was a photo my friend took. Me, smiling, catching fish, fat. Again.
    2016 days ago
    emoticon What matters is you're back and you have realized you need to put yourself first. It is not easy to be honest, with yourself, and especially to be so candid with others. I respect that a lot. Will happily support you!
    2016 days ago
  • GINA180847
    Welcome back Honey, you are human and the human condition is one of ups and downs. You did it before and you can do this again. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and give yourself a chance.
    2016 days ago
    I lost 40 lbs at the same you lost weight, and I gained back 25-30! Yikes! I'm back and getting serious about changing my life and getting healthy forever.

    I'm glad to see you're back, weight gain or no weight gain.
    2016 days ago
    Life sends us speed bumps and gets in our way. It happens to all of us. You are home. No one judges here. We all have to keep our eyes on our own plate and not pass judgment on our neighbors. You will be amazed at how quickly you feel right at home once again. You already know what to do and how to do it. Let it rip!
    2016 days ago
    I've been subscribed to your blogs for a while. I think your story could be about the same as many of us. I, too, suffered a devastating loss when my younger son and I were involved in a car crash. He was dead at the scene, and I suffered some major injuries. I didn't have much appetite for several months and lost to a place where I felt good, but then I started on an upward spiral. Now I am trying to get my act together and start improving my health again. As you can see from mine and other comments, you have plenty of company on your new journey.

    Welcome back and I hope to see you around. You know that we have the tools, we just have to relearn how to use them effectively.

    2016 days ago
    So many of your words resonate with me. emoticon
    2016 days ago
  • ASHLEIGH1985
    2016 days ago
    Hi Ashley,

    Glad to see you back on spark! I loved and followed your blogs before and definitely know that you got this.

    We're all human so don't beat yourself up. Just do what you know how to do and take it a day at a time. emoticon
    2016 days ago
    I've been trying to use personal difficulties, like the death of my mother recently, as motivation to get back to my healthy living, but it can be really hard. Taking it day by day and just trying to make each a little better than the one before is what I am currently striving for.

    Today IS the day--make it yours!
    2016 days ago
  • DSJB9999
    emoticon emoticon

    I got to my target twice before and stopped 'trying' and I am determined not to stop trying when I reach it this time.
    You too Ashley can reach your 'target' again and will be more positive about life in general - remember YOU DESERVE YOUR SELF LOVE!
    emoticon emoticon Donna x
    2016 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2016 days ago
    emoticon You did it before and you can do it again. Like you said it's a lifestyle. This journey is for life. We fall down and get back up. Your emoticon 'S are emoticon emoticon in your corner. Be Encouraged and take it emoticon at a time. emoticon emoticon
    2016 days ago
    Today is the day! YOU Can do it!!! Feel free to add me. I'd love to be here to help encourage you on your journey!
    2016 days ago
  • -AIMIE-

    What I'd like to know is... how'd you get in my head? LOL

    Thanks for this blog. It feels good to know I'm not alone in my journey.

    2016 days ago
    You're right! Today IS the day! emoticon
    2016 days ago
    emoticon I faced something similar almost 3 years ago when my momma passed away. I had lost approximately 30 lbs prior to her passing and gained it all back in such a short period of time after. I finally realized that she wouldn't want this for me..she would want me to be the healthiest I could be for my children..for my grandchildren. So here I am..and slowly but surely losing the weight once again.
    2016 days ago
    Amen! I caught myself sliding after the death of my best friend's daughter in a horrific car accident. i remembered we can't help anyone else if we aren't helping ourselves. We have to be healthy - physically and mentally before we can do justice helping others. Happy to Have you back my dear! I can't wait to get caught up with you again!
    2016 days ago
    2016 days ago
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