How did I get back here?
Tuesday, June 03, 2014
Haven't we all asked ourselves this question?
It doesn't just apply to health.
Bad relationships, bad job situations, bad mental states it goes on and on.
Three years ago I lost almost 100 lbs. I felt good, I looked good. I felt happy. Happy because I took charge and accomplished something. I was no longer in pain daily. Then I had a death in the family and I slowly lost my way. It wasn't a conscious decision. It happens slowly. One less day at the gym here. One extra serving there. One extra night of margaritas with coworkers quickly becomes a regular activity and then boom. We are back in shametown wearing the clothes we had almost given to Goodwill.
The spiral that can accompany this is painful and shocking. It is easy to hide and punish yourself. That is what I have been doing. Then one day the fog cleared and I was heavier than when I started SP before. I am in pain constantly. My self esteem is very low.
This isn't an issue of just being positive or not being hard on myself. I have to be honest and say I am back to comfort eating. To being lazy about cooking healthy meals. Solace is not at the bottom of a pint of Ben and Jerry's (my personal crack dealers). What I did find at the bottom of that pint was the realization that this is how I got fat last time and it doesn't make me feel happy. It makes me scared. It makes me angry. What I choose it to be grateful I still posses the tools to change. I am not a lost cause. I was angry I needed to do this again. That I felt I wasted all my hard work. The reality is that this is a lifelong process. I will always have to make hard choices and work at being healthy. Most every does.
So how I got back here was the decision to make myself a priority again. To stop worrying for everyone else. We teach people how to treat us and if I walk all over myself others will try and do the same. We are not victims of anyone or anything but ourselves. I have the power to change. Today is the day.