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Starting Over (Again)

Sunday, June 01, 2014

Well, it certainly has been awhile. Grad school has consumed my life and has provided me ready made excuses for about 1.5 years now. With only 4 classes and a lit review to go, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is some breathing room that comes with senioritis and a giant case of "I don't care anymore" (even though I care enough to ensure I keep my 4.0 GPA).

That being said, I've coped with my life, or lack thereof, by eating. Eating to the point where I am at an all-time-high for weight. Just completely out of touch with myself, on autopilot.

So here it is, the perfect day/time to start over (you know, a Sunday and the beginning of the month... it's MADE for new choices, right?) I have had a lot of do-over's, none of them lasted very long. This all-things-in-moderation really eludes me. I can't make it work; it is my Achilles heel.

I've been actively working on being kinder to myself, and I've done some good work on boundary style. Let me tell you, that is its own full time job really.

So, being at the point where I'm now 100 pounds above where I had my very reasonable goal weight in the first place, I find myself in a tornado of awe, shame, and disillusion. My first several attempts of getting back on the exercise bus in May led to my body overheating and me getting sick (but to my credit, I did it and it was the first 90 degree day we had). My mind remembers, my body has a way to go.

I am going to work on behaviors that will support progress, even if it isn't fast or cheap. For instance, here were last week's wins:

I hate the idea of admitting laziness by buying cut up fruit, but if it isn't ready to go I don't eat it. And that's the truth. So, this all disappeared. And the trail mix was a blend of yumminess I through together in the bulk section of my co-op. 4 cups for $8.00. Not so bad, and way better than anything you can buy pre-mixed.

So I think the way that I want to start my month is with a little meal/budget planning. Thanks to a gift of a Vitamix from my beloved Grandma, I have more reason to play around with smoothies, soups etc. but it will require more planning to ensure I have the right ingredients and the budget to make it happen.

And then there is exercise. It feels like SO much effort even thinking about it right now, but I also know that if I am going to survive walking around London, Paris, and Heidelberg for 2 weeks in August, I need to get my butt in gear. So, I will go to the gym today to walk on the treadmill for 20-30 minutes (the humidity is oppressive or I'd walk by my beloved lake). It doesn't have to be all or nothing, but I have to start somewhere.

So that's my story. And this reminds me that it's ok:

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I definitely feel you on the "start over" process. It has been 1.5 years and I am close to being at my heaviest but someone was "kind" enough to tell me about the weight I had gained....it hurt incredibly bad to be told that (even though I already knew it) that I decided now was the time for me to begin again. I am working more on changing my mindset than anything at this point because that is where I struggle the most. You are more than capable of meeting your goal, especially if you can work full time and complete grad school. I am proud of you.......you can do this.......We are all here for you.
    1753 days ago
    I've started over numerous times in my weight loss journey. Just 3 years ago, I was at my lowest weight and had managed to keep it off for years. Then I gained 40+ pounds and was close to my heaviest weight ever. I actually don't know how much I was at the peak because I was too embarrassed to weigh myself. I've been on SparkPeople for a year and find myself starting from the beginning as well. Sometimes starting over is just part of the process. Don't let starting over get you down, just think about how badass you are for taking a step forward.
    1754 days ago
    I am very sympathetic to the whole grad school thing, I just graduated after a 3 year program and am up a lot in weight from when I started I'm also just trying to own where I'm starting and move on from there. I'm also with you on the cut up fruit and veggies thing. I think it's worth the extra money if it means you actually will eat it!! I buy baby carrots for that reason... and cut up watermelon, because really the process of cutting watermelon is not worth it to me! Good luck on your journey!
    1754 days ago
    All that matters is that you are starting SOMEWHERE...you can do it!!
    1755 days ago
    Hey, Paula -- It's good to see you back here!!

    I make up a breakfast smoothie that keeps me satisfied until about lunch time.
    I use -
    1/3 c. Mountain High unflavored yoghurt (it's thick but not Greek)
    1/2 c. either skim milk or soy milk
    1/2 serving protein powder (I use Vanilla Ice Cream flavor)
    1/4 c. dry oats
    2 Tbs. cocoa
    1 large banana (frozen)

    Before I started putting the oats in, I was getting hungry about 10:30 - 11:00, but this holds me until lunch. I am going to try making one of these up with a fresh banana tonight and putting it in the refrigerator for morning to see how that works since I'm usually in a time crunch in the morning.

    I have been buying the prepared fresh veggies (mostly broccoli) for a while now. I think that it is just fine to buy prepared freggies if that's what it takes to get them eaten instead of just rotting in the fridge.

    I wish you the best on your "new" program.

    1756 days ago
    I am soooo wired to skip baby steps of anything. But they are good, and a proper starting point for so many things. One day at a time ... And enjoy your VitaMix! Banana ice cream, here you come! (One ingredient. Chop frozen banans roughly, purée, and eat. Or refreeze a bit and then eat.)
    1756 days ago
  • JEREMY723
    Best of luck with everything!

    I'm a teacher, Friday was the last day of work so I started over on Saturday. Motivated that people will notice when we go back to work in mid-August.

    How exciting that you get to go to Europe for 2 weeks!
    1756 days ago
    "It doesn't have to be all or nothing...". This is my struggle in everything but with food and exercise, it is my biggest struggle. Becoming comfortable with the "gray area" and letting go of perfection have been the hardest things. Living in this zone of uncomfortableness, giving myself grace, and being kind with my words have been rewarding (despite feeling so selfish). I wish you the best, as always! All my love!! XOXO!
    1756 days ago
  • TLG71567
    Boy can I relate to your story. In 2006 I got engaged, got laid off, packed up two art rooms (I was the art teacher), bought my first house, moved, got married, started and finished graduate school and did a massive job search. In 2007, I got hired to be the principal at a residential lockdown facility for troubled kids and got hired to be a reading teacher for illiterate adults through the local GED program. Then I got laid off as principal when they eliminated most of the upper level staff and started looking for another job. Got hired to be the teacher in the district's elementary school emotionally disturbed unit in 2008. Worked full time doing that and five nights a week as the reading teacher. I continued doing that for six months, then reduced my hours as the reading teacher to four nights a week for six months, then three nights a week for another year and a half, and finally down to two nights a week for the last five years. I was also diagnosed with diabetes, fatty liver disease, polycystic ovary syndrome, reactive airway disease, had a herniated disc in my neck that paralyzed my right arm and took me out of work for five months, had surgery to fix that, had foot surgery, almost died from the reactive airway disease, and now have another herniated disc in my neck. My husband and mother are both disabled and I take care of both of them and both of our houses.
    All of this stress has definitely taken a toll on my health and my weight. I hit 260 lbs. back in 2009. I worked hard to try to lose the weight, got off 50 lbs. and kept it off for three years, then regained 40 of it over about a year and a half, and now have taken off almost all of that again this last year and then stalled and regained 10 lbs.. I am finally quitting my second job and am trying to get back on track to continue the weight loss and get below 200.
    I guess the thing we have to remember is that life is always changing and always going to have stress, so we have to take small steps everyday to try to take care of ourselves. It's not easy, but we're worth it. You accomplished something amazing by getting your Master's degree. I know how much work that is and the sacrifices that you made to do it. Now you have to take that same determination and apply it to taking care of yourself. Take it one day, one choice at a time. Try to make more healthy choices than unhealthy choices and eventually you will reach your goal. emoticon
    1756 days ago
    "(even though I care enough to ensure I keep my 4.0 GPA). "
    * Know the feeling all too well.

    " Eating to the point where I am at an all-time-high for weight. Just completely out of touch with myself, on autopilot. "
    * Snap... emoticon emoticon

    "it's MADE for new choices, right?) I have had a lot of do-over's, none of them lasted very long. "
    * Me too. That's why I am actually trying the actual SparkDiet starting today.

    " Let me tell you, that is its own full time job really. "
    * I think one of the fastbreak motivational goals is a 5 minute self-peptalk. It's not my goal, but its there for the taking/talking.

    "I hate the idea of admitting laziness by buying cut up fruit, but if it isn't ready to go I don't eat it. "
    * You know, I may try that with vegetables. The preparation has been a boundary with most vegetables for me (except cucumbers and celery)

    " It doesn't have to be all or nothing, but I have to start somewhere. "
    * My fastbreak goal is 10 minutes of exercise a day. I may do more, but 10 minutes is my start.

    "So that's my story. And this reminds me that it's ok: "
    * Really good to see you back on. As you said fight for moderation. You can do this. As you do this, lean on us for encouragement and advice.

    Your hot male cheerleader,

    - Trent
    1756 days ago
    emoticon emoticon

    emoticon PLAN!
    1756 days ago
    Sounds like a plan I wish you the best of luck ( in a good way) to reach your goal. A suggestion walk by your beloved lake later in the day. It would be so inspirational.
    1756 days ago
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