Well, it certainly has been awhile. Grad school has consumed my life and has provided me ready made excuses for about 1.5 years now. With only 4 classes and a lit review to go, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is some breathing room that comes with senioritis and a giant case of "I don't care anymore" (even though I care enough to ensure I keep my 4.0 GPA).
That being said, I've coped with my life, or lack thereof, by eating. Eating to the point where I am at an all-time-high for weight. Just completely out of touch with myself, on autopilot.
So here it is, the perfect day/time to start over (you know, a Sunday and the beginning of the month... it's MADE for new choices, right?) I have had a lot of do-over's, none of them lasted very long. This all-things-in-moderation really eludes me. I can't make it work; it is my Achilles heel.
I've been actively working on being kinder to myself, and I've done some good work on boundary style. Let me tell you, that is its own full time job really.
So, being at the point where I'm now 100 pounds above where I had my very reasonable goal weight in the first place, I find myself in a tornado of awe, shame, and disillusion. My first several attempts of getting back on the exercise bus in May led to my body overheating and me getting sick (but to my credit, I did it and it was the first 90 degree day we had). My mind remembers, my body has a way to go.
I am going to work on behaviors that will support progress, even if it isn't fast or cheap. For instance, here were last week's wins:
I hate the idea of admitting laziness by buying cut up fruit, but if it isn't ready to go I don't eat it. And that's the truth. So, this all disappeared. And the trail mix was a blend of yumminess I through together in the bulk section of my co-op. 4 cups for $8.00. Not so bad, and way better than anything you can buy pre-mixed.
So I think the way that I want to start my month is with a little meal/budget planning. Thanks to a gift of a Vitamix from my beloved Grandma, I have more reason to play around with smoothies, soups etc. but it will require more planning to ensure I have the right ingredients and the budget to make it happen.
And then there is exercise. It feels like SO much effort even thinking about it right now, but I also know that if I am going to survive walking around London, Paris, and Heidelberg for 2 weeks in August, I need to get my butt in gear. So, I will go to the gym today to walk on the treadmill for 20-30 minutes (the humidity is oppressive or I'd walk by my beloved lake). It doesn't have to be all or nothing, but I have to start somewhere.
So that's my story. And this reminds me that it's ok: