I might be done... :*(

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Tonight I'm so glad I have Spark People! I need to post something and don't know what other audience I would feel comfortable posting to.

My husband left our house 4 days ago, against my wishes, to go to Washington DC to watch a soccer game. We hadn't even talked about it and he bought his ticket to the game. This on its own might not be such a big deal, but he doesn't yet have a valid legal status here or a driver's license, so it's a big deal to me that he would risk all of that, use our money, not talk it over with me, and leave me for most of the week to go to watch a Soccer Game of all things!

This describes the general status of our marriage.

He's been gone 4 days, and I haven't missed him. I haven't missed being told I'm fat, or that guys would "like me more" if I were thinner - interesting comment coming from my husband, of course. I haven't missed hearing him yell at our son constantly while hugging and kissing our daughter. I haven't missed him yelling about the remote, the tv shows we watch, the food I cook, and the ways I haven't helped him enough. It's been 4 days and my life has been almost exactly the same as when he is here.

Nothing is different, except I'm not pissed off that he's not helping, not around, not spending time with me, not helping around the house, not loving us. I'm not pissed off that he's in Virginia, because I realized my life is the same with or without him, except I think it's better without him.

And that is sad and terrifying, and such a relief. All. At. The. Same. Time.

The scariest and hardest part is that because he doesn't have a valid legal status here, he will probably at some point have to go back to Honduras. They won't approve his paperwork if we're not married, and I feel like my kids will resent me for it.

But I can't let him treat them the way he treats me. The kids are 1 and 3, and I swear if he ever called Zoie fat I would deck him. Max is our 3 year old and he doesn't even realize or care that his dad is gone. That's how little he's here normally. Max is used to being without him, so I don't think it makes a whole lot of difference.

It's so hard because I really just wanted a family. And it's clear that he still doesn't. He told me he doesn't think he's coming home tomorrow because someone decided to have a party tomorrow night. I told him he had to be here or it's over, and he could care less. He's not going to be here tomorrow, and even with the slight chance that he does come home because he's afraid of what life on his own is like, what's he really going to do when he gets here? Is he going to do x, y, and z with me and the kids, or watch them so I can clean the house or do something I need to get done? Is he going to be better to me going forward? NO.

I've gotten good at being without him because he is here so little. He works long hours and we see him maybe 20 minutes a day, and he feels it's necessary and his right to leave the house to go hang out with his friends every possible chance he gets.

I don't like him as a person because he's not nice. I'm not sure how I didn't realize this was his personality before, but he didn't have any friends here when we got married 6 years ago, so a lot of this was news to me.

I don't know what will happen when he gets home _______. Insert date he feels like coming home.

There's the problem right there. I really think I'm done. I do deserve so so so much better. Whether I'm fat, or not fat, pretty enough, or not. I still deserve better than what he has given to me, and most importantly, my kids do too. And while we're at it, he deserves to be happier. And I don't think he can be happy with us. So I think he's better to go "live his life" as he tells me.


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Good for you! :) Take care of yourself and those babies.
    2175 days ago
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    I was perusing your old blogs in search of Total Gym motivation. I am saddened by yur blog, yet excited that you left. As I read your blog, I said, gee that sounds like my son's father. Yep, I also said, she should leave him. And you did. I chose to not even allow my son's father to see him from the age of 14 months until he was 17. I always told him, that his father was a good man, but could also be very bad. My choice was because I wanted my son to grow up under my kind spirit without anger or meanness. The result is, he is now 40, and has two daughters 7 and 9, and is THE best father and husband alive. He was the sweetest kindest most helpful boy, and now man. I always feared for the repercussions of that decision, of what it would do to my son growing up without his father. But, I think with all my talk with him, and my honesty, that he understood why I chose to keep him away from father. He did meet his father and spent 2 weeks with him and got to know his step sisters and brothers, which was a good thing. He now had more siblings and they've become good friends. I had always felt sorry of my choice, but I also knew that I made the right choice. Things were not always easy, and filling the shoes of the father makes the mother's job much harder. That job, you'll have to figure out the best way to do it. Either way, kids need a father influence, so if you have a brother or a good uncle, that can work too.
    Good luck to you, I'm glad you are feeling amazing. Your picture looks amazing. You're beautiful!
    2251 days ago
    I raised my daughter alone.

    It sounded like you were already raising them alone, now you have one less kid to take care of. Deadbeats suck!
    Good for you that you are free of the dead weight.
    2273 days ago
    Just adding a little update here... I left him July 17th, on the eve of our 5 year anniversary and I feel AMAZING!!! :-) It's just awesome, really.
    2273 days ago
    I'm so sorry you're facing this. Main thing is ...just keep yourself and the children safe. He sounds as though he might be a controller and a person more focused on self than on the needs of others can be dangerous. Please be careful, have a plan, and know that being single is not a bad just is. Good luck, prayers, and hang in there. Blessings.
    2337 days ago
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