I might be done... :*(
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Tonight I'm so glad I have Spark People! I need to post something and don't know what other audience I would feel comfortable posting to.
My husband left our house 4 days ago, against my wishes, to go to Washington DC to watch a soccer game. We hadn't even talked about it and he bought his ticket to the game. This on its own might not be such a big deal, but he doesn't yet have a valid legal status here or a driver's license, so it's a big deal to me that he would risk all of that, use our money, not talk it over with me, and leave me for most of the week to go to watch a Soccer Game of all things!
This describes the general status of our marriage.
He's been gone 4 days, and I haven't missed him. I haven't missed being told I'm fat, or that guys would "like me more" if I were thinner - interesting comment coming from my husband, of course. I haven't missed hearing him yell at our son constantly while hugging and kissing our daughter. I haven't missed him yelling about the remote, the tv shows we watch, the food I cook, and the ways I haven't helped him enough. It's been 4 days and my life has been almost exactly the same as when he is here.
Nothing is different, except I'm not pissed off that he's not helping, not around, not spending time with me, not helping around the house, not loving us. I'm not pissed off that he's in Virginia, because I realized my life is the same with or without him, except I think it's better without him.
And that is sad and terrifying, and such a relief. All. At. The. Same. Time.
The scariest and hardest part is that because he doesn't have a valid legal status here, he will probably at some point have to go back to Honduras. They won't approve his paperwork if we're not married, and I feel like my kids will resent me for it.
But I can't let him treat them the way he treats me. The kids are 1 and 3, and I swear if he ever called Zoie fat I would deck him. Max is our 3 year old and he doesn't even realize or care that his dad is gone. That's how little he's here normally. Max is used to being without him, so I don't think it makes a whole lot of difference.
It's so hard because I really just wanted a family. And it's clear that he still doesn't. He told me he doesn't think he's coming home tomorrow because someone decided to have a party tomorrow night. I told him he had to be here or it's over, and he could care less. He's not going to be here tomorrow, and even with the slight chance that he does come home because he's afraid of what life on his own is like, what's he really going to do when he gets here? Is he going to do x, y, and z with me and the kids, or watch them so I can clean the house or do something I need to get done? Is he going to be better to me going forward? NO.
I've gotten good at being without him because he is here so little. He works long hours and we see him maybe 20 minutes a day, and he feels it's necessary and his right to leave the house to go hang out with his friends every possible chance he gets.
I don't like him as a person because he's not nice. I'm not sure how I didn't realize this was his personality before, but he didn't have any friends here when we got married 6 years ago, so a lot of this was news to me.
I don't know what will happen when he gets home _______. Insert date he feels like coming home.
There's the problem right there. I really think I'm done. I do deserve so so so much better. Whether I'm fat, or not fat, pretty enough, or not. I still deserve better than what he has given to me, and most importantly, my kids do too. And while we're at it, he deserves to be happier. And I don't think he can be happy with us. So I think he's better to go "live his life" as he tells me.