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So, what have I lost?

Sunday, May 25, 2014

I just went back and read a blog that I posted on September 1st. It was the day that I made a commitment to myself to lose 70 pounds over the next 9 months. It was a good goal and very doable.

As I read it, I was thinking about how I felt the day I wrote it. And the goals I had set and the plans I made that day. Since then, I have lost some weight, and I have gained some weight. The same with my health and my motivation. As I set and reflect, I realize that I weigh exactly the same today as I did that day. I am sad. I am disappointed in myself. But I AM NOT GIVING UP!!!

I am not making excuses. It is what it is.
However, this has been a very hard year for me emotionally. I can't change that, but I can move forward. And I am trying. I dealt with a bout of depression, that was hard. It is still hard. It is a very foreign thing for me. Some of you have known me for a while, and you know me to be a very upbeat and positive person. But I found out that I am not invincible.

So, what exactly have I lost over the last nine months? Exactly that, nine months. One week from today will mark the nine months that I had planned on losing 70 pounds in. I wish I had successfully lost that weight. But I don't hate myself for not doing it. I could beat myself up, berate myself, put myself down... Or I can move on. I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on. I choose to move on. I choose to live.

It is time to revisit my goals. I need a new plan. I am going to spend some time sorting through my mind, needs, and emotions. I need to decide what I need to do for me and decide how to do it. I will gather my thoughts and put together a new plan. So, I may have lost 9 months, but I have not lost me. I may have let a lot of people down, including myself and some of you. That is in the past. I can't change that. But I can leave it in the past. Tomorrow is a new day. And it will be followed by many more new days. And with God's grace, each day will get a little better. I am still dealing with some emotions, but at least I am dealing with them now. For a while, I was in denial. I was depressed. I was lonely. I was scared. But I am still alive. In fact, I am beginning to feel more alive than I have for the last year and a half. I am feeling more hopeful than I have in that same period of time.

I will keep you all posted as I put together a new plan. Today, I chose to live!
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