So, I’ve already failed my 21 day challenge. Sheesh, that didn’t take long. It’s my fault; I accept it and will keep trying.
Today, my mother leaves to go to the east coast to help my cousin and his family. Nothing serious has happened, she’s going over there to visit and to help out with his three kids. As much as my mother and I have our issues, I’m going to miss her severely. I cried on Sunday about it, I ate myself into oblivion last night and cried this morning as I said goodbye before I left for work. My mother has been my everything these last few years, one of the only constants in my life that I know I can depend on. Once everyone in my family started dying (that’s literal), we became extremely close and have truly bonded. We’re not perfect by any means, but I now consider myself a mama’s girl.
My mother’s leaving for a month is pretty upsetting to me for a few reasons:
1). I’ll have to deal with my father. Our relationship is rocky and volatile to say the very least. Check out my blog that I wrote a while ago, it’ll tell you all you need to know.
2). I’m now responsible for the daily meals, which I don’t mind at all but it’s time that isn’t going to be my friend. I’m in a choir and a show, which takes away a lot of the cooking time. I’ve been looking up healthy crock pot recipes and healthier alternatives that are quick to cook. We’ll see. While this may not be a big deal to some, it’s huge for me.
Along with that, I’m also beginning to have some difficulty at work which I’m trying not to let get to me. I’m getting a really negative vibe from a lot of my co-workers and in the back of my mind; I think my number may be up. If my job were to let me go, I have no idea of where I’d go or what I’d do. I’ve been at the company for 5 years and while I work hard, I don’t feel like it’s noticed, appreciated or even cared about. Perhaps I’m no longer a fit. A girl who started a year after me (I helped train her) is now my boss and now every single thing I do is scrutinized. They’ve recently hired another girl in our NY office who will be working under my boss. There are meetings I must attend with some of the powers that be, and honestly, I’m just kind of waiting for the day when they let me know. I’ve taken all of my personal affects home in case and have nothing personal except for my oatmeal that I keep in my one of my drawers. If and when they come to let me go, I’ll be ready.
Then there’s always the weight. Always the friggin’ weight. I don’t know where to begin and where to start. Blah, blah, blah. Obese, obese, obese.
Perhaps this is just a hard time of my life, a season I’m going through. I’m considering going back to the weight loss program at my doctor’s to see if it will help me. I don’t know. I’m not giving up by any means, I’m just trying to feel my way through the life I’ve been given. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a maze.