Still no positive
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
It's such a bummer that I still have no major positives to report. I just keep going backwards.
I'm currently sitting at the heaviest I've been in my life, at 257. It's not muscle because my clothes are tighter, and my measurements are only bigger in waist and hips, instead of where I'd like muscle to be building.
I had an iDXA scan done at the end of March, and the results were frankly a little baffling. I'm at 53.9% fat. This honestly does come as a surprise because I work out hard, I'm definitely strong, but somehow... not as much muscle as I expected. I was at 249 the day of the scan. Since that day, I've gained 8lbs more.
I stopped with the Depo Provera and am switching to a natural progesterone to manage my PCOS, largely due to the side effects of depression and potential future bone loss. I haven't yet felt any real difference in mood since stopping, but hopefully over time, I will.
I've been doing everything my nutritionist has asked of me, and she's as baffled by my weight gain as I am. She and her partners are looking into my situation a little deeper to see if they can come up with something else that might be going on. My endocrine results aren't particularly significant anymore, so I don't know what other specialist I might turn to to help me figure out what the deal is with my body.
I don't know what else I can do right now, and it's so frustrating and defeating. I'm not finding resources that fit me either, so I can't find anybody else in a similar situation to give me ideas, or even just to commiserate with. I mean, I know we're all having difficulties with weight loss in some fashion, but I feel like I'm in a minority (alone) with my particular circumstances.
I don't really get hunger signals from my body. Eating is more of a chore than anything else. I have to set timers to ensure I'm eating on a regular schedule, otherwise I end up feeling sick. I get extra cranky, dizzy, nauseous, and it just makes my chronic headaches/migraines even worse. Yet despite all those negative reactions to not eating, I'm never really in the mood to eat. Practically all the resources I come across are geared towards people who eat their feelings, whose bodies don't signal to stop eating when they should, people who love food (especially the "wrong" foods), and just basically people with a completely different relationship to food than me.
My fingers are crossed that my nutritionist comes up with something, because I'm at a total loss.
I feel like a failure.