A picture worth a thousand words and few of them were good.
Monday, May 19, 2014
I'm realistic. I know I'm a big'un. I also know I am amazing, smart, beautiful, loved, caring, generous, loving and a whole lot more. What I didn't know is just how bad I looked when not really posing and just sitting around being silly with my 4 year-old grandson. He picked up my phone and said, "Smile, Grandma!" so I made a kind of silly face at him. I wasn't cleaned up. Hadn't even brushed my hair. I didn't have a bra on. No make up. Didn't angle my head to hide the super-sized chin. Didn't straighten up my clothing to look as smooth and sleek as humanly possible at my size. Didn't suck in my gut. Didn't sit straight. Didn't do any of the things we do when we are trying to look our best and hide all of our flaws.
When I saw the picture, I sat there in shock for a moment. Since the beginning of the year when I weighed my all time high of 272 through mid April I had lost 17 pounds. Since mid April until Saturday I hadn't been eating badly, but I had stopped tracking again and I had stopped subsisting on less than 1200 calories a day. I averaged around 1000-1100 when I was losing, because anything more than that gave me no loss at all. Anything above 1500 to 1600 and I gained. My endocrinologist is tweaking my meds and running test after test but nothing is changing, so far. ***NOTE*** this kind of severe caloric restriction is not the norm, and I am not advocating it because most people do not have metabolism disorders to this degree!*** Anyway, I've probably been eating closer to 2000 calories per day for a month. I've ignored that my pants are a bit snugger and I am a bit more winded when I work out. So, after I could pull my eyes away from the picture, I walked to the scale. Deep breath. Step on it. 270.2 pounds.,,on all four foot ten inches of me. That's 4.66 pounds per inch when there should be 1.98 pounds per inch. That's 2.35 times what I should weigh!
So, back to what was working and dealing with the hunger pains and not getting complacent while waiting for enough money to be saved and raised for my gastric sleeve surgery (which will remove the part of my stomach that signals hunger). If I start gaining again, or if I'm getting lazy or lackluster in my attempts to live a healthier life...This picture will be right in front of my face as my computer wall paper. Confirmation that complacency does NOT look good on me!
Never give up. Never give in. I love you all.
p.s. So that we don't end this on a negative note - I got my birthday present from the Animal Defense League shelter/rescue yesterday. Meet Khaleesi, Khali for short. She's 7 months old and I am totally in love already!