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A picture worth a thousand words and few of them were good.

Monday, May 19, 2014

I'm realistic. I know I'm a big'un. I also know I am amazing, smart, beautiful, loved, caring, generous, loving and a whole lot more. What I didn't know is just how bad I looked when not really posing and just sitting around being silly with my 4 year-old grandson. He picked up my phone and said, "Smile, Grandma!" so I made a kind of silly face at him. I wasn't cleaned up. Hadn't even brushed my hair. I didn't have a bra on. No make up. Didn't angle my head to hide the super-sized chin. Didn't straighten up my clothing to look as smooth and sleek as humanly possible at my size. Didn't suck in my gut. Didn't sit straight. Didn't do any of the things we do when we are trying to look our best and hide all of our flaws.

When I saw the picture, I sat there in shock for a moment. Since the beginning of the year when I weighed my all time high of 272 through mid April I had lost 17 pounds. Since mid April until Saturday I hadn't been eating badly, but I had stopped tracking again and I had stopped subsisting on less than 1200 calories a day. I averaged around 1000-1100 when I was losing, because anything more than that gave me no loss at all. Anything above 1500 to 1600 and I gained. My endocrinologist is tweaking my meds and running test after test but nothing is changing, so far. ***NOTE*** this kind of severe caloric restriction is not the norm, and I am not advocating it because most people do not have metabolism disorders to this degree!*** Anyway, I've probably been eating closer to 2000 calories per day for a month. I've ignored that my pants are a bit snugger and I am a bit more winded when I work out. So, after I could pull my eyes away from the picture, I walked to the scale. Deep breath. Step on it. 270.2 pounds.,,on all four foot ten inches of me. That's 4.66 pounds per inch when there should be 1.98 pounds per inch. That's 2.35 times what I should weigh!

So, back to what was working and dealing with the hunger pains and not getting complacent while waiting for enough money to be saved and raised for my gastric sleeve surgery (which will remove the part of my stomach that signals hunger). If I start gaining again, or if I'm getting lazy or lackluster in my attempts to live a healthier life...This picture will be right in front of my face as my computer wall paper. Confirmation that complacency does NOT look good on me!

Never give up. Never give in. I love you all.

p.s. So that we don't end this on a negative note - I got my birthday present from the Animal Defense League shelter/rescue yesterday. Meet Khaleesi, Khali for short. She's 7 months old and I am totally in love already!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You go girl! Love the dog, what a cutie.
    1716 days ago
  • RHOOK20047
    I have the same problem of self image. Although I have lost weight I still don't see it. I know I am losing, as I am getting smaller sizes, still not out of big/tall stores yet, and my old clothes are all so loose, I still think of myself as the cow I was. Changing that image takes time, and it will come in time. You will succeed as well. Keep up the effort and it will pay off!
    1763 days ago
    You bring up a good point, I visualize myself one way and then BAM, we I see a picture - for me it is not how I see myself and the reality of that picture can be as you know...a big kick in the ego! Glad you are kicking back!
    I am so happy for you and your birthday gift! Already in love! Adorable!

    1764 days ago
    You go girl!! With you determination and strong spirit I know you got this in the bag. Nothing more sobering than a reality check. But with your past success of 17lbs back in April I know you can do this! Your body has already proven that! Also congrats on your new sweetie/ cutie!
    1764 days ago
  • JUNEAU2010
    khali is adorable!

    I am cheering you on! We are the same height and God only knows why I don't weigh more than you do! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1764 days ago
    What a beautiful baby your Birthday Pressie is :-) ALSO, what a wonderful gift in your grandson. He has unwittingly done you a HUGE favour. Sometimes that is exactly what we need.

    I don't necessarily see the result as as negative, but rather a really good learning experience - one that for most, complacency is not something that we can afford to practice.

    BIG hugs - I am MORE Than sure that you will get your heart's desire.

    Kris xxx
    1765 days ago
    Opening the eyes is a step. Sometimes we shut them after a while but then again open them.

    YOU are not a failure. YOU know what needs to be done. YOU know your limitations and YOU know when to push.

    MJ I have seen you smaller then that picture. I know life is not easy and things come at us full force. Stress does not help the body. Taking care of your dad and keeping the home together is hard. You have experienced loosing your mom and even it was back then it still hurts. YOU can do this.YOU are a very VERY strong lady.

    Msg me whenever!!! ((HUGS))
    1765 days ago
    Good realization! You KNOW what to do. I need a wake up call myself. I got on the scale the other day and it was the highest it had been in almost a year.

    LOVE that dog you got. She will keep you goin!
    1765 days ago
    SCOOTSMOM50, I am going to answer your questions here, but will also post them on your page in case you miss them. I was not DOWNING myself. I am very big on self worth and valuing who I am. I'm a little upset with myself because I know what works for me and even though it is hard to stick to, my life is important enough that I should do what is necessary. I never give up. I never give in...which leads me to another thing you said. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being the SHE BEAST. It is a term of honor. It means I am a gentle, driven, in your face monster with a heart of gold who never gives up. Aggressive, assertive, unwilling to fail. MaryJane is a She-Beast! I tell it like it is. I love everyone. You are right, I am warm, nice, sweet and loving, as most of my friends, including quite a number of spark friends who know me in person, will attest. But I am FIERCE. I was given the name by another sparker because of my tenacity and my refusal to just roll over and give up. I fight hard for what I want and for what is important. I do thank you for the compliments though, and I understand why you would think the name wasn't very flattering. Trust me, it is a badge of honor to be the She Beast! I do play with the grandbabies a lot. I work out at home with my grandson, too. We do yoga and ST together. Khali and I will be going on lots of short walks, as my arthritis, back, and knees only allow for short ones right now. Which brings me to Khali. She is a Coton de Tulear, a breed native to Madagascar. She was an owner surrender because the owners were moving. I don't know why they couldn't take her, but I'm awfully glad to have her. My husband was so wonderful to make her my present when he saw how much we were drawn to each other. I'm blessed! Thank you for your loving comments, hug, prayers, and best wishes. I appreciate them so much!
    1765 days ago
    BTW The Khali is adorable. I have a West Highland Terrier. ( Hey another benefit, walking your new present. Don't need to go far, she'll love whatever you can do) What is she?
    1765 days ago
    Please stop downing yourself. Yeah I know it's hard not to when youy don't like what you see, but think of this as the wake up call you needed. Have you spoken to a nutritionist or dietician? He or she may be able to give you a solution of how to avoid the hunger pangs. I'm a diabetic who has also been battling with my weight. I finally (at the suggestion and witht he full support of my specailist) went on a restricted calorie plan,( between 1200 and 1500 calories a day, and yep sometimes I go over, and due to an injury I haven't been exerecising).

    Try eating more veggies( not the carb laden ones, the others) Steam em, chop them up into salads, grab some when you feel hungry. Occupy your hands and your mind,( TV doesn't help because every other commercial is food)

    If you have a yard, go outside and toss a ball for your grandson. It's not high impact but it is exercise and movement.

    Whatever you do on your jouney to good health and weight loss, please do it for YOU, for YOUR health. And aim for being healthy instead of super skinny. And you need to change your screen name cause you are NOT a beast. You are probably a very warm, nice, sweet and loving person, ( and I'm willing to bet a terriffic Grandma)

    Sending you a cyber hug, with my prayers and all of my best.

    1765 days ago
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