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What/Where/When - My 2nd Rock Bottom

Thursday, May 15, 2014

In 2011, I hit my very first rock bottom with high cholesterol, a fatty liver and blood pressure that was through the roof. Acting, singing and dancing were difficult as I simply couldn’t maneuver my almost 300lb frame on stage without becoming extremely out of breath. That spring, I went on a medically supervised diet and for 2 weeks straight drank protein shakes. 800 calories was all that we could have and absolutely NO FOOD. Crazy right? Since that was a form of starvation, I couldn’t stay with that program. At that point I had everything to lose, including my health. That was absolutely rock bottom for me. Eventually, I lost 100lbs on my own (with the help of SparkPeople) and my health was fabulous.

Cut to today, 2014. Not only have I not maintained my weight, I have gained around 50 of it back. You know my story, so I don’t need to reiterate it. It took a lot to get me going on the road to better health and a thinner life. My main question is what will it take to give me that drive to obsessively count calories and workout until I’m exhausted for 3 days after? I realize that that method is not healthy and I certainly don’t want to go back to that, but what I’m talking about is the drive I had. Weight loss was my main focus on top of everything else, even my theatre (which I still rocked). Every single day was about my meals and about dodging “bad” foods on a daily basis. It was friggin’ exhausting.

I guess you could say I’m waiting for my 2nd rock bottom. What has to happen before I stop accepting my size 16/18 clothes, my bras that are too small (not in a good way) and the small jabs that my mom gives me when she talks about my weight gain. As most of you know, I love Disney and I’ll be going to Disneyland this Saturday with a friend from high school. I’ve got to be honest with you SparkBuddies, I’m nervous. Am I going to be able to fit in the rides? What if I’m too big and I have to get off while my friend stays on the ride? The old fears come back that I haven’t felt in 3 years, the anxiety. Is this person judging me because I’m obese? Will my family members notice my weight gain? What will they say? Will my fiancée not be attracted to me anymore when she sees my weight gain? Does my cat notice? HA! You get what I mean.

My emotional energy is limited and I don’t have much to go around after so many things that have happened to me. Don’t get me wrong though, I still head toward things in my life with joy in my heart and if I can, a warm smile on my face. I’m in shows, a choir; I work full time and have a pretty active social life (when I can emotionally deal). Although I have moments, days even of absolute exhaustion where I don’t leave the house, I still get up the next morning and see a friend’s show or go to work. I’m incredibly strong and have one amazing testimony. How can I get back to before? What is going to take to get me back to eating healthier, exercising and getting the weight off? What in the world will my 2nd rock bottom look like?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    None of us are perfect. You certainly have been "real" in this blog. Yes, I know how to be out in the world, doing my job, supportive of others -- and then also have total days of exhaustion afterwards -- for me, this is because somewhere I have lost myself.

    You say you don't know how to "get back to where you were." The good news is you cannot -- you are on your way to a new place. Forward. You are where you are right now -- and you can go forward. For me, this includes non scale victories (and your honesty in this blog counts) and weight comes of perhaps more slowly than we want.

    You are such an incredibly talented and beautiful woman.

    For me, tracking is essential. And this community.
    One Day At A Time. You can do this.

    1766 days ago
    How about this: let's assume that you are ALREADY AT your 2nd rock bottom and let's start looking at climbing out of the trough...what steps can you consider taking right here & now TODAY toward a manageable, sustainable healthy & well lifestyle?

    This time around it is NOT going to be a repeat of what you did to lose the weight before because you are proof that it didn't work. This time you are wiser, have learned from your experiences...that is the hidden treasure of hitting rock bottom: the TREMENDOUS potential for learning what works and what DOESN'T! My bet is that you've discovered 800 calories a day does not bring you closer to a goal of having that manageable, sustainable healthy & well lifestyle. BUT: there were strategies you used back then which may be helpful now. Consider what you might dust off and use again this time around.

    Pick ONE THING you can begin to do differently today to begin reclaiming that SPARK you still have, even if you may not be able to see or sense it...it's there: put the bellows to it!

    1767 days ago
    I think down deep you are wanting something to follow that isn't obsessive but gets consistent results and fits into your life. That goal is at odds with your nature which is dramatic - not in a bad way, and expressive.
    1767 days ago
  • BRADMILL2922
    I would start by looking at the positive of that you have lost the weight before so you know how to do it. You know what to expect and you know what it takes to get back to where you were! No, it won't be easy just because you have done it before but at least you know where you are going! Sounds to me like you are already at your 2nd bottom so get to it! You have it within you to make it happen and you have Spark Community love behind you all the way!!!
    1767 days ago
    I'm in your exact same shoes -- lost as much as 70 pounds with Sparkpeople, have gained back 20. My foot and knee pain are returning; my self-esteem is in the cellar; my energy levels are way down. Yet I'm having the most difficulty mobilizing for meaningful change! I've finally realized -- like just now, just tonight -- that in the same way that I have an "exercise plan", I need a nutritional plan. I need, not a diet, but a script. I need structure to bring me to heel like RIGHT NOW. It sounds like you started your weight loss with a very restrictive diet for the first two weeks. Even though that diet wasn't ultimately for you, it helped you reset your baseline and pave the way for the rest of your weight loss. I need a big reset in a major way -- thanks for your blog, it helped me crystallize my own thoughts on this matter.
    1767 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    emoticon Don't wait on that 2nd rock bottom, start now! emoticon
    1767 days ago
    I have been with SP since 2008. I lost 80 pounds. I lost my way when I got to ONEderland and regained over 60. I hated the physical limitations I had to live with after the gain.
    I was afraid to start the journey once again because I HATE dealing with failure.
    I restarted my journey this year. My fear of failure gave way to the joy of the journey. Starting was easy. You start to feel better right away. You get those weekly losses and loose clothes that are Hugh rewards.
    I am approaching ONEderland again and this time I know I need better tools and greater insight to make this work. Come on in the waters just fine. You deserve to feel better.
    1767 days ago
    If you did it once - you "can" do it again! I haven't even gotten to the finish line and I gained 15 pounds. So far I have lost 6 of it and I'm determined to take the rest off plus more. I can't give up and won't!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1767 days ago
    I have to say, you clearly know what the right path is, and now have to commit to it. You know, the word diet in itself feels so confining. I tend to look @ food as being medicine. Before I had a "relationship" with food . . . you know . . . . looked to food for emotional support. Doesn't happen, does it. I look @ this whole journey as just that, one foot in front of the other, following the map (my plan) and when there's a detour, have to figure out how to get over/under/around/or through it. Turning back isn't a choice.

    Keep moving forward BUT DON'T just focus on the LONG path ahead. Like any long trip, you make stops. This is no different. Now it's time to resume your journey.

    Have a wonderful time @ Disney. I know you will.

    1767 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    This is the point where you realize that you can only go UP! And not in numbers, but in life.

    When I started inserting(slipping in) another task in my day, which was exercise in many forms, it became just another task in the day. Not something to do in my spare time, but what I did before time ran out that day, that was MY turning point. Picturing myself hauling those vast amount of food to the doc's office on a cart( a BIG CART) to drop on the scales with me as they weighed me in, produced a picture that was not what I wanted down the road.
    IT is so hard to get into the mindset of that teensy little speck at the end of the yellow brick road(remember the artistic perspective of the backdrop?) like Dorothy did. What do we want to find at the end of that road? What do we have to do to get to it? The mindset has to be there every minute..

    When I was in college, I had to picture where I wanted to be sitting after four years. At my desk in the office, or in the unemployment office...

    Living my life in reverse worked for me..

    as far as Brit2's thoughts, you know what real love is dear..

    Negative projection should only come from the film editors booth...

    Go to Disneyworld ya lucky bugger and use that pedometer!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1767 days ago
    To be honest with you, after reading this blog, it sounds like you've hit the bottom... I've been where you are for about 8 months. I ate and I didn't exercise, and I hated getting bigger and bigger. I've gained 25pounds, and I 'm disgusted. I couldn't pull myself up no matter what. There wasn't anything anyone could say or do to get me going again. I totally lost the drive I had when I started, I know that drive, I miss it. I know you know what I"m talking about. Both of us have fantastic stories, so we need to continue our stories. This is not the end, it's a chance to continue on. We've stumbled, but it sounds like you're ready to get back up and move forward. I moved forward last Friday by stepping on the scale and acknowledging the BIG bump in my road. That's all it is, and I know deep down, you know that. I know you have no desire to be obese again, and I also know that you have it in you to finish what you've started. You can do this Ms B! We both can!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1768 days ago
    jealous you're going to Disneyland lol.
    Anyways you can go back to where you were but you have to be non restrictive. It should be a diet you can live with for life. That means allowing indulgences, dealing with portion size and binge eating. I did the same thing, last year gained everything I lost plus more because I couldn't stand dodging chocolate and greasy foods. Now on this diet I allow those foods as long as the portions are reasonable and I adjust another meal to fit the calories, kind of like a puzzle game. It does work and does take time to learn and figure out what works for you, gets you full and keeps you satisfied but when you get it it's worth it!
    You'll not only lose weight, it will be super easy to maintain when you get there because you'll be so used to your new way of eating by then.
    Anyways, good luck and have a blast at Disneyland! I went last January 40 lbs heavier than now and I didn't let it bother me, I just had a blast.
    oh and think of all the calories you'll burn walking around!! Miles and miles!
    Even standing in those lines are burning calories!!
    HAVE FUN!!
    1768 days ago
  • no profile photo LOFLLAMA
    Maybe the problem shouldn't be about rock bottom...then it won't have to be about a mountain top. Since I am an all or nothing kind of girl I had to quit the diet idea altogether!

    I am extreme about keeping junk food out of my house because I have an issue with it. I also keep alcohol & cigarettes out of my house tho so I HAVE to be extreme with some things. It's just how it is for me. I don't know moderation...we were never introduced!

    You don't have to exercise to exhaustion. You don't have to starve yourself. It took me well over a year to lose just 50 lbs, but I have kept it off because I changed the food I ate. I don't have a 2 liter bottle of Pepsi & a bag of Dorritos for dinner anymore. In fact, I can't even remember if that's how you spell Dorrito because I haven't had a bag in I don't know how long.

    I'm with ILOVEMALI. I don't think it's necessary for you to hit rock bottom again. I know you know how to go about this the right way. The question is: Are you willing to do it? I have faith in you.
    1768 days ago
    Do you need to hit rock bottom before turning the corner?
    1768 days ago
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