What/Where/When - My 2nd Rock Bottom
Thursday, May 15, 2014
In 2011, I hit my very first rock bottom with high cholesterol, a fatty liver and blood pressure that was through the roof. Acting, singing and dancing were difficult as I simply couldn’t maneuver my almost 300lb frame on stage without becoming extremely out of breath. That spring, I went on a medically supervised diet and for 2 weeks straight drank protein shakes. 800 calories was all that we could have and absolutely NO FOOD. Crazy right? Since that was a form of starvation, I couldn’t stay with that program. At that point I had everything to lose, including my health. That was absolutely rock bottom for me. Eventually, I lost 100lbs on my own (with the help of SparkPeople) and my health was fabulous.
Cut to today, 2014. Not only have I not maintained my weight, I have gained around 50 of it back. You know my story, so I don’t need to reiterate it. It took a lot to get me going on the road to better health and a thinner life. My main question is what will it take to give me that drive to obsessively count calories and workout until I’m exhausted for 3 days after? I realize that that method is not healthy and I certainly don’t want to go back to that, but what I’m talking about is the drive I had. Weight loss was my main focus on top of everything else, even my theatre (which I still rocked). Every single day was about my meals and about dodging “bad” foods on a daily basis. It was friggin’ exhausting.
I guess you could say I’m waiting for my 2nd rock bottom. What has to happen before I stop accepting my size 16/18 clothes, my bras that are too small (not in a good way) and the small jabs that my mom gives me when she talks about my weight gain. As most of you know, I love Disney and I’ll be going to Disneyland this Saturday with a friend from high school. I’ve got to be honest with you SparkBuddies, I’m nervous. Am I going to be able to fit in the rides? What if I’m too big and I have to get off while my friend stays on the ride? The old fears come back that I haven’t felt in 3 years, the anxiety. Is this person judging me because I’m obese? Will my family members notice my weight gain? What will they say? Will my fiancée not be attracted to me anymore when she sees my weight gain? Does my cat notice? HA! You get what I mean.
My emotional energy is limited and I don’t have much to go around after so many things that have happened to me. Don’t get me wrong though, I still head toward things in my life with joy in my heart and if I can, a warm smile on my face. I’m in shows, a choir; I work full time and have a pretty active social life (when I can emotionally deal). Although I have moments, days even of absolute exhaustion where I don’t leave the house, I still get up the next morning and see a friend’s show or go to work. I’m incredibly strong and have one amazing testimony. How can I get back to before? What is going to take to get me back to eating healthier, exercising and getting the weight off? What in the world will my 2nd rock bottom look like?