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Birthdays really put a mirror in your face, don't they?!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Today is my 36th birthday....I think birthday have a strange way of forcing you to reflect. How far have I come? Where do I want to go? Have I been doing what I need to do to be where I want to be?

Regardless of the number of candles on the cake, birthdays always seem to bring me back to place that mirror right in front of me, to look at both the inside and the outside. I have made a LOT of changes in this past year. I am happy about those changes. I am working 2 part-time jobs that I really enjoy. And for the first time in about 8 years, I don't feel stressed about those jobs. I am also writing (screenwriting) and fostering my creative side when I have time, which I am finding that I really love. Even though it's challenging, it make me happy.

Those are the great things that took place this year! It's a lot and I am really proud of those changes.


The weight thing. Man, this follows me about like a bad luck charm! Or so I think...really it's just that I still have not figured this out in my past. I actually know what I need to do, but I haven't done it. So, this year, I want that to be different. I have struggled with my weight since I was 9 (I wasn't fat then, but my dance teacher wanted me to lose a few pounds). It has been 27 years. I have seen success with weight loss and I have gained it back, plus some. These last 3 years though, I have been faithfully going to WW and regardless if I gained or lost, I kept going. I am up at the moment, but in those 3 years, I have learned so much more about myself and my behaviors associated with my weight.

I am grateful that I am a good tracker! This has taught me a lot. I know that when I am feeling almost any emotion, I want to eat. If I am tired, I tend to avoid the nap and head to the fridge. If I am frustrated, happy or irritated, food has been my go to. I have learned healthier choices over the years and I don't really eat fast food. Home food, or what some would call comfort food, is my go-to. I would much rather eat something I made than a burger from McD's.

Knowing all of will I make this year different? Well, I started of the morning at the gym at 5 am this morning. That is different. I made a healthy breakfast, loaded with protein because I have learned that carb-y stuff first thing in the morning makes me super hungry and ravenous throughout the day. I think living in the MOMENT is what I need to focus on. I will not lose this weight focusing on my past, nor will I lose it by worrying about what has yet to come. I need to stay in the here and now and focus on what is best for my body. What is best for my brain. What is best for my soul. I have often overlooked myself to please others, that is going to stop. I am important too...I need to remember that.

So...what are my goals for this year? Yes, I am going to make them big!!!

1) I want to lose this weight and get into the healthy or overweight BMI category by the end of the year.
2) I want to be certified as a group instructor to teach exercise classes. (I actually love exercise, its the food that's always got me). I am signed up for the test May 25th.
3) I want to be certified to teach Zumba.
4) I want to be able to lose this weight to help others. Personal trainer for weight loss?
5) I want to write a book that shares my weight loss story. It is not easy to be a kid and be heavy. It is not easy to be a heavy adult. Nor a heavy, single adult wanting to date, but who avoids it like the plaque.
6) I want to become a WW leader to help others who are struggling. I have had WW leaders who have lost 15-30 pounds. While that is great, they don't have the understanding of what it feels like to walk around with 100+ lbs of weight on them. They don't get the same stares, they don't get the same hurtful comments and they don't get treated the same way that those of us that are much bigger do. It is hard for someone who lost 15 lbs to reach goal to relate sometimes. I think by becoming a leader, having walked in my shoes, I know I could help others and understand what they are going through, while still keeping me on track.
7) I really want to fall in love...and have someone love me back without my weight playing any hand in the process. (From either they guy's side, or me and my insecurities). Hopefully that will come with time.

There is a lot to look forward to this year and I can honestly say for the first time, I am ready!
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