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Monday, May 12, 2014

You always think there is more time. We'll do it another time. Tomorrow is another day.

Until it isn't.

Your dad is going to be 80 on March 2nd. You think about going to visit, but it's just so crazy right now. You are busy at work. Your husband is working long hours, still getting used to the new job. You learn from your stepmom that he fell right before his birthday (darned Parkinson's) and doesn't want to celebrate or see anyone right now. You think it's a good thing you didn't go and you'll see him some time soon.

A few more weeks go by and it's your birthday. Your stepmom texts you at work and asks if they can call now because Dad just had a nap and it's a good time. Of course you say yes, and they call, but after just a few minutes Dad can't hold the phone anymore and your stepmom comes on the line. She sounds exhausted. She says your dad is a bit weaker and you say you'll see them soon.

A few more weeks go by and it's Easter. You send cards and flowers and think you'll make a trip as soon as things calm down.

A few more weeks go by. Your stepmom calls on a Wednesday and says your dad has been declining since he took another fall on April 28th. He is not eating much and sleeping more. (How many falls is that in the past two months? at least 4?) She has been having chest pains but put off going to the doctor because Dad can't be left alone. She is calling to say that she has arranged for hospice to come in during the day for Dad so she can go to the doctor and if she needs to be admitted, they will bring him to their facility while she is there. She is giving them your number as an emergency contact and she wants to let you know, just in case. You say something about coming down and she says she isn't asking you to rush down there. You agree to talk again on Thursday and in the meantime you check out flights. But it is Mother's Day weekend and open seats to Florida are few and expensive. It's not great timing for you or your husband as far as work goes. You decide to go next weekend instead and let your stepmother know on Thursday morning. You also email your sister and brothers, filling them in on what is going on.

On Thursday evening you get a text from your stepmother, saying she is being admitted and hospice is coming to pick up Dad. You think maybe you should go down now and visit with Dad for a few days while your stepmother is in the hospital. You spend a few hours online and since you will need to go without your husband, it's a bit easier to make arrangements, but you still aren't leaving until Friday at 5. You figure you'll spend the weekend with your dad, and get a return flight for Monday. You decide to take off on Friday and run the errands you'd ordinarily do on the weekend. While you are out, hospice calls. You have a new phone, so you don't find the message until Saturday night but you can see that someone called so you play phone tag for several hours. You finally get the nurse practitioner in charge, who tells you that your dad is very ill and it's just a matter of days before he is gone. What?? No one said anything like this before. You tell her your flight is already booked and you decide together not to tell your stepmom yet, since her cardiac status is still unknown. Somewhere inside you think this nurse person must be mistaken.

Of course, your flight is delayed and you don't get down to Florida until 9:30 PM and it's after 10 when you check-in. But you came to spend time with your dad and so you head over to hospice. Dad is resting quietly - too quietly. He doesn't open his eyes. He doesn't visibly respond to your voice. The nurses say he can still hear you so you hold his hand and you talk to him. But it is all so surreal.

You spend the night and a new shift comes on. Your (wonderful) son leaves his pregnant wife and 20-month-old son and drives 3 hours across the state to be with you. After he arrives, the new nurse tells you that your dad is "actively dying" and it's now probably a matter of hours, not days. Discussions ensue. You now know your step mother has to have open heart surgery. You don't want to tell her over the phone but you promised her you would not leave your dad alone. Phone calls go back and forth between hospice and hospital. When you are sure she has a nurse with her, you call to give her the news. After a bit of anger at the situation and then tears, she asks that you put the phone up to your dad's ear and you hear her say goodbye. When the call is finally over, you look for your son and the nurse tells you that when he heard your stepmom so upset, he decided to drive over to the hospital and be with her for a while. He comes back after a few hours and spends a bit more time with you, and then drives 3 hours back home.

You don't leave the room except to use the bathroom. The nurses are nice and bring you tea and fruit and salad. They say his heartbeat is still strong but you can tell that his breathing has changed. You pull a chair next to his bed and doze while holding Dad's hand. At 3 AM they come in to do a few things and you can't fall back to sleep. You just sit and watch his breathing, which is becoming slower and more shallow. You finally fall asleep around 4:30 and when you wake up at 6, he is gone.

There are no more days, no more time, no tomorrow.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so sorry for your loss. I am late in reading this but want to let you know how much I think of you. Prayers sent for you and your family. emoticon
    1394 days ago
  • KAYWEB555

    what a blessing you had. That your stepmom told you that she was going in and she had arranged with hosipice for your dad. Interesting how things work out like that. Saw many stories like this one when I was working hospice care as a nurse myself.
    Great that your son came over to be with you and your stepmom.
    Am sorry for you lose, but what a wonderful way to go. God Bless you
    1399 days ago
    What a gift that you were there at the end. Time is something we take for granted so often. And we lose track of what is important as we get sucked into the "world". I'm sorry for your loss. Justyna
    1413 days ago
    I am sorry for your loss, there are no words to express what you feel. i am glad you were with him, that Gof allowed that to happen. I lost my dad so suddenly, without forewarning and a brother in the same manner twenty years later. Time is precious, and the memories will be with you forever.
    1421 days ago
  • TEDYBEAR2838
    I just read about your dad. My thoughts & prayers are with you and your family at this time. I hope your stepmom is doing well?
    1429 days ago
    I love you so much and am so sorry for your loss!!! Your account is so true and a gripping reminder to us all that we know nothing of the time we have to be with one another beyond the Present. Every moment brings choices, whether we are conscious of making them or not- how often we miss opportunities in the day to day frittering away of time, swept up without thought.

    God bless you
    1431 days ago
    1436 days ago
  • TANJAT88
    My heart is sad for you and your family. My Dad has Parkinsons (been "dancing" with it for about 15 years) and his is pretty severe at this point.

    I hope you realize that your Dad was an amazing man and left here on earth an incredible legacy.......... you.

    May God walk with you during this time and all times.
    1436 days ago
    1438 days ago
    Deb, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how much it hurts. I missed being with my dad by less than an hour and it still haunts me. Please take comfort in knowing that you were with him in the end. emoticon
    1438 days ago
  • MACMOM57
    So very sorry for your loss. My Gods blessings be with you always. Glad you were able to be with him.
    1440 days ago
    I'm so sorry. May his memory always be a blessing to you.
    1440 days ago
    1440 days ago
    1440 days ago
    Only the biggest hugs for you!
    And I agree with Goriana. You have raised a heckuva good kid.
    1440 days ago
    My heart is breaking as I read this. I'm so sorry for your loss. Prayers.
    1440 days ago
    I am so sorry for your loss. And I'm so happy you were able to be there. Thank you for writing this blog, this is a good reminder for all of this, time is precious. I will be praying for all of you. Hugs and love to you.
    1440 days ago
    BIG BIG BIG Hugs......
    1440 days ago
    Praying for you and your family! So sorry for your loss! emoticon
    1440 days ago

    I'm so sorry, Deb. What a blessing, though, that you were there for him when it was his time to leave.


    Time is, indeed, precious. We take it for granted the way we take running water for granted, and mostly only think about it when it's unexpectedly shut off.

    Speaking of time, though, please, please don't spend any more time feeling guilty because you didn't do this, or you should have done that. Your message to yourself and all of us is that time IS precious. Learn your life lesson from the experience of the last several months, and then let it go.
    1441 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/13/2014 8:20:37 AM
    emoticon emoticon

    a great blog with a good message. So sorry to hear about your dad.
    1441 days ago
    So, so sorry about the loss of your dad. But like Dawn said, I'm also so glad that you were able to be there with him in his final hours. Even though he was sleeping while you were there, the comfort of having you nearby was surely felt. We are here if you need anything, even if it's just to talk and hang out. Love you. emoticon
    1441 days ago
    You are in my thoughts....and boy did you do something right with that son..and it must be because your dad did something right with you. That's quite an inheritance.
    1441 days ago
    So sorry for your loss.. It is always a challenge when you ars at a distance to know when to go. May your memories bring you comfort and healing during this time of sorrow. emoticon
    1441 days ago
    Such truth. emoticon
    1441 days ago
    So glad that you were there. For both of your sakes...and for your stepmother. I'm sorry that you lost your dad, but glad that he has peace now. Prayers for you & your entire family. I love you.
    1441 days ago
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