Warning: this is a pity party, but I appreciate anyone's support who can lend the time to read it. I really do. I don't have very much support in my life right now and I find great comfort knowing that I'm not the only one who deals with these sorts of things.
I'm feeling overwhelmed today. Right now I am trying to just take it easy, making some lavender/chamomile tea.
It's sort of like everything is hitting me at once.. lack of sleep catching up, thoughts about my ex and feeling lonely and kind of missing him even though I KNOW it's never going to work out--I miss the comfort and companionship, but also just him... sometimes I'll think about how we used to go to the gym together and swim and workout and I think I miss that the most. I miss his mother and how supportive and lovely she was... I miss having someone to help me with things around the house that I couldn't figure out. I mean, I think I miss the security and friendship a lot more than the romance (because it just wasn't a healthy relationship and it was only getting worse). It's okay to miss someone, even if you don't wish you had them back, though.... I guess I am just not done grieving that loss yet. He and I are still friends.. but it's still quite awkward to be around each other. I know time heals all wounds... it's just still quite raw.
Lately I've been caught up in another failed romance that has me really blue and just basically blah. I wasn't looking for a rebound (actually I was actively avoiding one), but it happened anyway and I let my hopes get far too high, only to be crushed. Why do I do that? He has even more emotional issues than me (which I was completely happy to support him through, but I ended up worrying too much about him and not enough about my own health), and he realized that he was nowhere near ready for a relationship, so of course I am going to take it to mean I'm not good enough (because my brain likes to bring up those automatic negative thoughts, which aren't true, and present them to me as facts). Anyway, I have a broken heart and it's my own fault for letting it happen.
Now it's seriously time to stop focusing on love and just invest into my health and wellbeing and think about my future...
I'm not even going to go into school or career/life goals. That's a totally separate blog just waiting to happen.
I'm really stressing over the roommate thing. I am sort of a hermit and haven't lived with anyone besides my ex for over 5 years... afraid I won't find someone with similar interests, afraid I'll be nervous all the time with someone else in the apartment. Just afraid, in general. It's stupid, I know, but I can't really help it. I know I have to get a roommate in order to keep living here, so it just has to happen, even if I can't find someone who shares a lot of interests.
I'm quite terrified of putting the ad up on Craigslist and not even sure what to say in it... My thoughts inevitably go to "who would want to room with me?" And then I start thinking negatively about my body, personality, mental health issues, and my awkwardness/shyness around strangers.
Positive! I have to stay positive. Perhaps after a good night's sleep things will look different and I won't feel so much anxiety over it. Maybe I will find someone I get along fabulously with and it will all work out fine.
I know this post is kind of mehhhhh. but it's what's on my mind, and I guess it helps to get it all out.
I'm going to try to stay positive. . .
Good things today: did a bit of gardening. It's really hot today. The sun felt nice. I cleaned a little and ate well. I wanted to go for a walk but felt too fatigued and decided to try a nap instead. I woke up before noon (yay) and am going to try to go to bed early. I got the plumbing issue in the bathroom taken care of and got new blinds in the kitchen and bedroom so that my apartment is ready for potential roommates to look at. I took the first steps at trying to find a roommate, even though it was difficult and anxiety-inducing. The first step is always the hardest...
I miss feeding the birds with my ex. Having bbqs on the back porch. Gardening with him. I don't know why these thoughts just come into my mind sometimes, but I guess it's part of the grieving process.
All of this is just crushing me at the moment and I feel it in my chest and in my eyes and head. I think I'm going to call the school to make a psychiatry apt. I guess didn't realize how far into the anxiety-zone I was until today, which sort of feels like hitting rock bottom. I also need to find a new therapist (my old one wanted to charge me for a missed apt when I was sick and I can't afford the fee), that will probably help a lot. Many phone calls will be made tomorrow. Much appointment scheduling.
Nothing will change unless I take steps to try to better myself. I want to be stable and to feel less anxious, to get the roommate thing sorted out, and once that is taken care of I will worry about the *big picture* of my life and career goals. Right now, I need to focus on the steps I can take in the immediate future to reach my goals. So that's what I'll do. Wish me luck~
Also: Goals for tomorrow, do Tai Chi as soon as I wake up. Maybe call my brother and have a chat.