Decisions, Responsibility, Obsession & Questions
Friday, May 02, 2014
While it has been really nice not to have to think about my food intake, the additional weight that I’ve gained over the last few months has already shown itself in larger clothes. BRITT831 can certainly attest to my meltdowns about wearing a 16 and now, an 18 again. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly weight creeps on and how long it takes to get it off. I don’t feel good about it, but I’m not going to beat myself up over it either. I’ve done plenty of that, my spirit is exhausted because of it. No one is forcing the junk food down my throat; it’s me who hasn’t portioned my food in weeks. I’m responsible, it’s my fault. My weight gain is not a medical issue (I’ve checked), but it is an emotional one.
I eat emotionally, plain and simple. Whether I’m happy, sad, frustrated or lonely, food is my comfort. It’s not how I want things to be, but instead of brooding over it and hating myself, I’m accepting it. This isn’t to say that I’m just going to completely let myself go and not care (although I have considered it), but I’ve got to find another way to fuel my body without feeling deprived. Since I was a child I yo-yo dieted and when I reached young adulthood my yo-yo dieting was at a new high. I lost 100lbs in a year by deprivation and restriction. Late 2012 saw my scale reading 185, but little did a lot of my friends and family know but I was eating close to 1200 calories (or lower) a day. Obsessed doesn’t even begin to describe it; I was on the borderline of acquiring an eating disorder. I may have looked great, but man, I was starving ALL OF THE TIME. December of 2012 was such a wonderful time for me and I was so happy that I was smaller that I ignored the fact that my body was screaming at me to eat. One night, I was in a rehearsal for a Christmas musical that I was in and remember almost fainting because I was so hungry. Ridiculous.
I don’t want to become obsessed with my food intake again. I want to eat what I’d like (within reason) without feeling deprived. I’m feeling lost, oh so lost. I’m a firm believer of 80% food, 20% exercise. Nothing will happen unless I change what I put into my body and also how much. The main thing that scares me about tracking my food intake again is the obsession that will inevitably come with it. How can I find the happy medium?
This has to be a reflection on me, my character right? It is because I don’t have any self-control? What do I do? How can I combat this? I’m working on my Depression, I’m going to therapy. I’m going to try to get my medication changed so that I’ll be balanced out. Weight loss surgery isn’t an option; perhaps I need someone to keep me accountable? I’ve tried it all, I really have. Does anyone have any suggestions? Before I know it, I’ll be back in 24s and 286 again. I don’t want to go back to that life; I don’t want to live that way anymore. Any help or input is appreciated. When I think of how hard I worked and what I went through to get the weight off, I get very upset. Losing 100lbs is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I have no doubt that the weight will keep me from getting the gigs I really want, the roles I feel like I deserve. It hurts, oh it hurts so badly.
Happy Friday indeed.