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Decisions, Responsibility, Obsession & Questions

Friday, May 02, 2014

While it has been really nice not to have to think about my food intake, the additional weight that I’ve gained over the last few months has already shown itself in larger clothes. BRITT831 can certainly attest to my meltdowns about wearing a 16 and now, an 18 again. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly weight creeps on and how long it takes to get it off. I don’t feel good about it, but I’m not going to beat myself up over it either. I’ve done plenty of that, my spirit is exhausted because of it. No one is forcing the junk food down my throat; it’s me who hasn’t portioned my food in weeks. I’m responsible, it’s my fault. My weight gain is not a medical issue (I’ve checked), but it is an emotional one.

I eat emotionally, plain and simple. Whether I’m happy, sad, frustrated or lonely, food is my comfort. It’s not how I want things to be, but instead of brooding over it and hating myself, I’m accepting it. This isn’t to say that I’m just going to completely let myself go and not care (although I have considered it), but I’ve got to find another way to fuel my body without feeling deprived. Since I was a child I yo-yo dieted and when I reached young adulthood my yo-yo dieting was at a new high. I lost 100lbs in a year by deprivation and restriction. Late 2012 saw my scale reading 185, but little did a lot of my friends and family know but I was eating close to 1200 calories (or lower) a day. Obsessed doesn’t even begin to describe it; I was on the borderline of acquiring an eating disorder. I may have looked great, but man, I was starving ALL OF THE TIME. December of 2012 was such a wonderful time for me and I was so happy that I was smaller that I ignored the fact that my body was screaming at me to eat. One night, I was in a rehearsal for a Christmas musical that I was in and remember almost fainting because I was so hungry. Ridiculous.

I don’t want to become obsessed with my food intake again. I want to eat what I’d like (within reason) without feeling deprived. I’m feeling lost, oh so lost. I’m a firm believer of 80% food, 20% exercise. Nothing will happen unless I change what I put into my body and also how much. The main thing that scares me about tracking my food intake again is the obsession that will inevitably come with it. How can I find the happy medium?
This has to be a reflection on me, my character right? It is because I don’t have any self-control? What do I do? How can I combat this? I’m working on my Depression, I’m going to therapy. I’m going to try to get my medication changed so that I’ll be balanced out. Weight loss surgery isn’t an option; perhaps I need someone to keep me accountable? I’ve tried it all, I really have. Does anyone have any suggestions? Before I know it, I’ll be back in 24s and 286 again. I don’t want to go back to that life; I don’t want to live that way anymore. Any help or input is appreciated. When I think of how hard I worked and what I went through to get the weight off, I get very upset. Losing 100lbs is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I have no doubt that the weight will keep me from getting the gigs I really want, the roles I feel like I deserve. It hurts, oh it hurts so badly.

Happy Friday indeed.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Kudos to your therapy...it has been the cornerstone of my ability to make the changes I have made in my life. And yes, the 80/20 rule is undeniable! In fact I'd go so far as to say it is more like 90/10!

    But here's the comfort I take in that: this means if I stay focused on my food choices I no longer need to beat myself up with physical exercise that I don't enjoy. And at higher weights, I remember how painful workouts can be!

    Zero in on the food. Go ahead and be obsessive if that's what it takes...and for formerly obese people it is in fact NOT obsessive...it is WHAT WORKS! Look at it from a new perspective. To lose and maintain weight loss folks like us need to pay extra special attention to our food choices. It's just a fact of life like the sun rising and setting. Accept it, deal with it and move on with LIVING our lives with as much SPARK as possible!

    You can DO IT!

    1657 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    I know exactly how you feel. Take one day at a time. emoticon emoticon
    1663 days ago
    I remember that rehearsal for the Christmas musical. You needed major convincing to eat something. We all have our moments B, doesn't make you a loser, not worthy, or less of a person. You are a beautiful woman and we WILL figure this out! I do believe the answer lies in emotions as you have said and you are working towards figuring those out. As for the obsession, I do believe you will find an inbetween that will work for you - something that keeps you accountable yet gives you the flexibility you need. Its a huge trial and error project to take on. Know Im here for you sweetheart, anything you need just ask!!! I love you!!!!

    1663 days ago
    emotional eating is the downfall of so many of us....
    but you don't have to starve...you have to make better choices.
    {it sounds like a cliché but it isn't}.
    If you replaced the starches on your plate with veggies...
    even if you stir fried them...
    you would have a ton of food.
    If you can't have the food you crave...learn to love the stuff that loves you back.
    1663 days ago
    Have you heard about the book "The Gabriel Method"
    by Jon Gabriel who dieted his body up to over four
    hundred pounds before he ingeniously realized that
    his body had to want to be thin before he could
    permanently lose the weight.

    This book changed my life five years ago and I have
    not looked back after years and years of struggling
    and yoyoing. When I began to partner with my body
    in this process, everything shifted. The weight actually
    started to come off easily (not quickly, but easily.)
    And for the first time in my life, I have stayed in
    maintenance (for nearly four years now!) with
    minimal effort,

    Remember your body is not the enemy. It is
    doing everything it can to protect you. It is just
    sometimes it thinks it is protecting you when it
    is hurting you. When we support, love, and
    nourish our bodies, they reward us wonderfully! emoticon

    If you do decide to check out this approach
    (the book is on Amazon for under $10) and
    you have questions, please let me know. We
    do have a Gabriel team on Spark as well.

    1663 days ago
    OH boy, I feel your pain too, my dear. Wish there was a "magic cure" but there just isn't (as you already know abundantly well, I know!)

    I had to take one goal and one goal only and start with that. Drinking my water. That was my thing. Yours, of course, will be different. Once I figured that out and it becamse a habit, then I was ready to move on.

    But the journey to accomplish that goal included taking a long hard look @ ME in the mirror. I had to find at least ONE thing/day that I loved about me (I happen to love my eyes). That was a building block to re-gain self-esteem and self-love. Without that, it ends up being the same vicious cycle.

    Give yourself a big hug. You are beautiful!!! You really are. And you're worthy.

    `*•.¸ ♥ ¸.•*´¨☆¨`*•.¸ ♥ ¸.•*´¨♥¸.•*´¨☆(¸.•´¨`¸•
    *¨♥ *`*•.¸☆´¨`*“
    “The whole idea of compassion is based on a keen awareness of the interdependence of all these living beings.” Thomas Merton
    ,¨`*•.¸ ♥ ¸.•*´¨☆¨`*•.¸ ♥ ¸.•*´¨♥¸.•*´¨☆(¸.•´¨`¸• *¨♥ *`*•.¸☆´¨`*“

    I found this quote this morning, and I think it really fits. We can have compassion for lots of others, but not ourselves! THAT causes problems.
    1663 days ago
    You already know that you are creative and artistic, so maybe you can set those talents loose on the "obsession" with food. Instead of deprivation and restriction, maybe focus on letting your imagination loose to see just how incredibly tasty and satisfying you can make healthier foods. Eating healthy, shopping for great foods, and being creative in the kitchen can become a fun hobby, and not a depressing obsession.

    What worked for me was to choose a few micro-nutrients (fibre, folate, iron, calcium, potassium) and focus on choosing foods that would give me a minimum of 100% RDA for those items. I totally ignored the calories for the first month and just spent some time finding foods high in those nutrients. Once I found those foods, I spent some time checking out recipes and playing in the kitchen to make them as incredibly tasty as I could. I found that including these foods just automatically started dropping my caloric intake (since it was mostly veggies), and I quickly found some favourite "stand-by" recipes for when I was too busy to experiment.

    I chose to eat always in what is "maintenance" range for a healthy weight for my body type, which led to a slower weight loss, but has given me time to learn how to eat well for the rest of my life. I never feel restricted, or deprived, and I've learned what are the most important things for *me* to feel satiated. For *me*, I need lots of volume (so I eat a crap-ton of veggies, and huge bowls of popcorn), and I need a strong punch of flavour (so I use a lot of spices, flavoured vinegars, and small amounts of strongly flavoured sauces).

    I don't get my knickers in a twist about an occasional high calorie day (if I eat out, or want a second dessert, or just am a bit more hungry that day), because I've found that they tend to get balanced out by the occasional low calorie day. I chose to focus on monthly averages and trends, and let the individual days work themselves out.

    My entire focus was "happier and healthier" --- and the weight loss became incidental. Perhaps if you shift your focus away from the scale and the clothing sizes, and concentrate on increasing the nutrition, taste, and satisfaction in your foods then you can reach a point where it's a happy and healthy hobby for you.

    Sorry for being so long-winded, but I hope there might be some aspects of this approach that might be useful for you!

    Strong thoughts!
    1664 days ago
  • no profile photo LOFLLAMA
    Oh, my beautiful girl. You made me cry. I feel your pain so deep it hurts my soul. I really wish we could talk. I don't do the food (calorie counting) tracking because I get so obsessed it horrifies me. I can't even measure my food without becoming obsessed with even what's left on the spoon.

    You can overcome this. You need to find out WHY. I don't believe I ever 'stayed fat to keep men from noticing me', but I know once I got my self-esteem back my body made me want to look good. I wanted to be proud of myself in all ways. I wanted to be noticed for being healthy & happy. I attracted pervs even when I was fat so that obviously never changed. Changing who I was changed who I allowed in my life!

    I want all good things for you & I KNOW you have a happy healthy lady in there! You Are So Wonderful to me....can't you see....
    1664 days ago
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