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Becoming True to Myself

Monday, April 28, 2014

After six weeks on the program and enough weight, but not more than 10 combined lbs and inches, lost to make a visible overall difference in my appearance, I am back down to what I my common "normal", although, like obese people who after a certain period stop counting the lbs gained or lost and just live in the moment, I consider this weight to be my highest that I can tolerate before I look measurably overweight.

So, this is what that means:

I have to have a "new normal" for weight maintenance, and I have to kick myself off the 130 lb podium in order to do it. Even maintaining at 125 is good because 5 lbs is a sizable difference to a small person with a relatively small frame. But the last time I was 125 was when I was 20 and two times when I was in my 40's. You know, the real truth is that I never paid attention to my weight or my appearance enough to care what I weighed and how I looked.

this blog is in process. The next entry will come later today.

Part II Continuation:

Bringing Holly's and River Rat's comments in, I think that the reason why numbers that represent our bodies are so confusing to us is because we really are spiritual entities tied up in these masses called flesh, bone, fat, sinew, organs, and brain.
So why do we love our grandmothers who have fleshy arms, who come in all sizes and shapes, who provide meals for us and hugs and love, and think nothing of their weight, BMI, and size when considering their love for us? Because love can't be measured in numbers, and our love for ourselves should likewise not be. That is the short answer to why we must accept even small gains when we can see them physically.

This may be why we need mirrors and measuring tape to take objective measurements of our changes and why we can congratulate ourselves on changes that we can actually see. This is how we can come to accept that we have taught ourselves something new at our age and that we are indeed changing. But does that change the youngster in ourself who has still not accepted herself? This is why we set vision boards and measurable goals for the girl in us to reach. But if the girl is 5' 2" and has a stocky frame and uses ballet dancers as her example, what she wants and hopes for in a desired weight and look MAY NOT COME. She will have to accept what she is. This is the hardest thing to accept in life: that we cannot be everything--that we have to be the one thing we were given: our destiny for ourselves. So--if I put 115 as a goal weight, and the last time I was 115 was once in high school between sixth and seventh hour, for one day and for one moment in time, I may not be able to reclaim it at age 52 1/2 just because I have an image of what I'll look like with less fat. That may not be best for me and I may not even like what I look like.

Right now what I want most is to learn to trust my gut and and instincts with food. However, relearning how to eat according to the plan means measuring everything so I understand how calories impact the body. The former means that sometimes I will override my instincts not to eat. When I have learned not to eat when I am not hungry and how to eat to stay on the thin side, and to eat when I am hungry, maybe my body will find its right weight. Until I do, I will claim some "finite" number somewhere lower on the scale that makes me feel better about this weight loss journey. I'll find the right weight somewhere….hopefully lower than 130 and higher than death from starvation.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Right-- I agree that some foods are like addictions that make us want to eat more. We need to eat foods that allow us to put them down. Some foods are too hard to do that easily and we need to just keep them out of our diet. For me cheese is one of those foods.
    1479 days ago
    I used to dress to show off my proportionately smaller waist. Now, I've decided to wear skinny jeans and boots and let the top skim over my waist! At least the muffin top is gone!
    As I said in my comments on your other blog, I am currently analyzing my reactions to specific foods. I just have a feeling that when I eliminate the ones that bother me, that my appetite will decrease and I'll be more satisfied with food and that my body will change a little more.
    1485 days ago
    You are right about everything you said. I didn't know about frames growing up and it was easy to get upset because I looked different from smaller friends. As you can see, our bodies really do change. Some women get that wider waist, smaller hips as they age; that's tough, as we all expect an hour-glass figure. There is no perfect, even for the people who are perfect, because it is hard to be alone inside of ourselves (that's existentialism for you). But for the person who has worked hard to accomplish things that before were insurmountable hurdles, she must feel good somewhere inside of herself.

    I say now that I don't look in the mirror to validate and find myself as much as to just check to see if I look okay or put together. The mirror is a friendlier place now. I'm happy with myself, even if I'm far from a skinny minny. If I keep working the program, the weight may come off and my body may just find its right weight. I appreciate that you are keeping up with my blog and writing such intelligent responses. Thank you for helping me grow as well!
    1485 days ago
    You are creating an interesting discussion here with some provoking thoughts and multiple threads running through it. You make some important points, I think.
    We are so much more than our weight (Grandma example).

    We have to accept our basic frame and our activity preferences when envisioning what we want to do and look like. Think of the variety of human bodies that have health and fitness. Think of the variety of activities that are available.
    There is not an ideal (a "right" or a "perfect"). And there is not one path to health and fitness.

    Bodies change with age. I am 64. I did reach the goal that I weighed as a high school senior, and I have now maintained it for about 5 months. Compared to my body in high school my hips are 2 inches smaller; my thighs are 2 inches smaller; my waist is 3 inches bigger; bust about the same. I would like to get more off my waist, but think I'd lose even more off my hips and legs ....and my husband already says I danced my bu*t off. My arms and calves look more muscular now, but I think my back and shoulders were broader then. My boyfriend at that time said I was built like a brick **** house. Now I dance, stretch, do yard work, and do resistance bands, some light weights.
    Then I was a cheerleader doing lots of jumping and tumbling. So, part of the change in my body is due to ageing process, having had a baby, and doing different exercise.
    1485 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    I know for me, I still find it hard to believe that I don't look heavy. I have been in size 10 pants for several months and so mentally I know that I wouldn't want to be any thinner, but somehow, I can't see myself as thin. I know that we are much more critical of ourselves than anybody else will ever be. But sometimes I have to remind myself that even if I gain 2-5 lbs, nobody but me will really know that I gained those few pounds. I take pictures and compare them to a few years ago so that I can really see the difference and then I understand that I am no longer heavy. I know that with the help of my SP friends and the never ending support that this new normal for me will last for the rest of my life. I hope you feel the same and I wish you much success! Holly
    1486 days ago
    Slow to getting back to my post and page, although now I am here. Thank you, River, for your comment. I will respond to it as I'm considering it!
    1486 days ago
    I agree. I can relate to the concept of a "new normal." I think that is quite important.
    If we don't accept our new selves, then I think we could easily revert.
    I agree that it is also wise to have a top weight (or some other relevant measurement like body fat percentage) that you will tolerate.
    Just wondering, do you think your head be at the place of conceptualizing a "new normal" before your body arrives there?
    1487 days ago
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