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Crunch time- crush the fat girl inside.

Monday, April 21, 2014

This isnt going to be a positive blog- so don't let me ruin your good mood if you're in one!

So I am not sure why my body is deciding to really put the pressure on me to lose weight, but things aren't working very well. Its all internal, it's all me. My healthy lifestyle mentality just will not come back and stay with me. Ive used, like, every excuse around to account for my decline in progress. Im up to 230lbs now, that's about 30lbs heavier than I was last year. Granted it was in the middle of half-marathon training, but even still, not good. Its like it's been packed on since the new year too... I don't know when it all packed back on!

Ive been trying to be really good and healthy the past few weeks, and I lost around 6lbs. I didnt weigh the past 2 Mondays because of terrible Sundays and the water weight will make me sad. I cant seem to do well for more than a week. Something happens and Im like - oh beer wont do anything- OR I just don't care at the moment.

CONSTANT VIGILANCE! If I want to meet my goals and continue to get healthy i really do need to shape up and be strict with myself. The fat girl inside me has been ruling me too long. She's winning! I need to use mental warfare to kick her in the gut and say YOURE NOT IN CHARGE ANYMORE!

Weight watchers points are seriously just a pain in the butt to calculate after doing calories for so long. Its essentially just hiding my calorie intake from myself. So it's with that that I am going to really try to do well with MPF again. I didnt have much success with it before. Not sure why.... I think im anal to the point where if I come in below my needs I see that I still need to eat something. And if i go above and see those red numbers I get angry, and fat girl takes over.

So I am going to resolve to stick within 150 calories of my 1450 set limit. I am going to not eat back my fitness calories burnt. So if I net 700 calories for the day- that's what happens. I am not going to eat back what I burned off.

I HAVE been doing well in the gym however. Im really trying to give it a hard go at lifting. I have yet to do a leg day, but Ive got in total upper body a couple of times.

AND one non scale victory is that I can feel my body getting slightly smaller, even if the scale isn't moving. I know that when i'm sore my body holds 3-5 lbs of water depending on the soreness. Legs obviously hold more water than biceps.

Today is the first day of intermediate 10K training for 8 weeks until my 10K on June 14th. This will be my 3rd year doing it and I want to beat my time last year.

2012: 72:38
2013: 68:25

And in 2014 it would be great to finish it in under 64:13- 4:13 faster than last year, which was 4:13 faster than 2012. It's good for me to have a goal, it will help me stay motivated and pushing harder. The only thing is that this year (unlike last year) I don't have 3 months of half-marathon training under my belt as cushion. I can run like 1.5 miles right now without stopping.

So I have quite a bit to go. The first week calls for like 16 miles to run!! Its super intense and really its not really feasible for me to be able to workout 6 days a week... I mean... well maybe it could be. But I wouldn't do it this week because Im pretty sure I would burn out very quickly. Ill just start with what I can do!

And I do have a 5K to run in 4 weeks. SO I think that really it's time to start kicking some butt and focus on what I need to do.

The past couple of months I have honestly been very busy and distracted. ive been having a great time with my boyfriend just being together and in love. Ive been planning a bachelorette party for my friend getting married in June (it's this weekend so that's almost over whewww!) Ive been having a great time hanging out with friends, trying new wines and beers. Doesn't help that the weather SUCKS and its hard to be outside sometimes. OH and I got hooked onto a new computer game. Hearthstone anyone? Im addicted.

Everyone knows that when you put a lot of focus on one aspect of your life, other parts get neglected, that's just how it happens. I don't want to disrupt the awesome happiness that's come back to me after a tough year last year. I don't think that will happen, I am so happy. And if I get myself back into shape and become more happy with my body things will only be better.

That fat girl needs to GTFO... needs to shut up, sit down, and learn to listen to healthy girl. And Healthy girl- she needs to nut up and be strong. I need her to be there in my head when temptations come knocking. I need her to change the way I think, socialize, react etc so that unhealthy habits don't pop up by default. I need backup plans for those situations. And i really need to think about WHY I want to be healthy- the bridesmaid dress I ordered a size down (and now im up 2 sizes from then) is only temporary. I have so many awesome clothes to wear when i get to below 200. Size 14s, medium shirts etc... I want to be there again.

I feel fat again. Uncomfortable just doing normal things. And that was honestly a big part of why I started in 2010. I have to think that it took me 3 years to hit the 100lbs lost mark. Itll probably take another chunk of time to lose the 75lbs i want to lose at the moment. And that can be cut a LOT by sticking to my guns and making every effort possible to retain my healthy lifestyle, no matter where, when, who or why circumstances don't allow it.

AHHHHH. Damn this was long.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Very curious about this Hearthstone game but also afraid to look in case I get hooked too!

    The BEST motivation for weight loss isn't that number on the scale. It is what you described - how you FEEL. Maybe try to do a sense check with yourself once or twice a day, ask yourself how you are feeling & try to translate that into some fire? I know that when I wake up all hungover and sick from eating & drinking I'm like "hey, I don't like how this FEELS. I gotta make a change!" With the exception of this bachelorette party, especially if you planned it, you deserve to relax a bit! But in the end everything is about moderation & balance and sometimes it is easy to wobble. We're all rooting for you though girly! You can do it!!!!!
    1491 days ago
    Some people are freaked out by calorie counting. That used to be all there was, that's why Jean Nidetch used the Norman Jolliffe diet when she first started WW in 1963. You have to count SOMETHING, points, calories, exchanges, something that keeps you accountable. There is no magic in any one of them, just patience and persistence in one of them.
    1491 days ago
    I can totally relate! Maybe try thinking of it like a lesson. Healthy Girl is the teacher and Fat Girl is the student. You are teaching yourself how to eat to live, not live to eat. And BTW I really admire your determination to train and run in all these 5Ks and 10Ks!! Good for you!!
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    1492 days ago
    I have faith in Healthy Girl - she will win this one! emoticon
    1492 days ago
  • KST1969
    You control your destiny. You have had so much success you can go all the way. I know you can. Just do it. :)
    1492 days ago
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