Such a BUM! ( A majorly rambling catch-up)
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Man, what a bum. Looked at my goal and it was from LAST YEAR???
So, good morning from the least consistent person on the planet. (Or, at least a very competitive second. )
A goal I remembered did bring me back here, even though this has been a very slow getting-with-it morning. Cats are running around and I think, "do we have to keep going with this day?"
It's not a bad day at all. Grateful, really - but noticing internal weights, (never mind external) that are just...
I am just not awake yet, and when I did open my eyes such an odd way to be brought to tears but it's okay, because in those moments I realize there's a "need to function" me and then there's me, often buried under a multitude of other things and ways of thinking.
Among these thoughts this morning I remembered how a few years a ago I had the opportunity to work for a very well-known and coveted arts company. While I am still really grateful for the opportunity, I did not want to stay on after they had finished touring our city because really, no one seemed happy but for ONE person in one of the backstage departments. And since I was hired through an outside company, I was certainly not going to pay out of my pocket to continue to tour. They cast would regularly talk it up for the cameras, reminding me a great deal of the contracts actors would have to sign when I worked in a small theater, to - basically, in layman's terms - "not diss the performance or company to outsiders, no matter how much it sucks." But there was as much coldness and drudgery (and depending on the task, stupidity as well) expressed in the work that it had to be just as much if not more than any desk jockey would have. Unfortunately, it made for pretty S*$%%y company, conversation, and camaraderie, which is REALLY important to me in a working environment. For me, there is no company "name" that can compensate for that. So, I went back to my crap-paying job where people a least sort of felt like family and had managed to not acquire the usual anti-human cynical coldness that permeated where I had been. But, on the flip side, the family atmosphere I re-entered has continuously failed to provide what I need monetarily, and that failure has been a unique stressor all it's own. And after four years, I think it has really got me nearing my breaking point.
So, I am thinking of this arts company again - though perhaps not on that particular show tour since interpersonal relationships were on ice, (with my department spearheading the way).
Anyway, why did I get into all that? OH! Because in my ideas of things, to be "ready" to re-enter that arena I need to be ready physically, too. The work is hard, backbreaking work with long hours on your feet on flat/concrete floors. There are also a few other reasons to be ready physically, because there are doors that if they open, I'm gonna run through, baby, and "oh, let me get back to you next year" will not be an option. Should things be the same as they were with my first experience, doors or no doors I may choose to shut them myself. But I think I need to retry this, with more ability and versatility than I had the on the first go.
I think I am depressed. I don't realize it because I think it's been so consistent throughout my life, but I have little moments or breaks in the grey areas - enough to realize what I want (though not frequently enough without real visual reminders) because even after writing this I feel like a car with an engine half way out the door. It runs sometimes and seems like it's going to be okay and then....chink, chank, *boom*. It's running, but it's barely moving, and when you try and force it, it just growls at you.
Hmm. Today, I wondered if it was because - maybe not even consciously, I realize shortly after defining goals just how long it's going to take to achieve and how many more days may be the same as today and something in my heart just sighs, "whatever."
I guess I am having a "whatever" day, with a few breaks in the grey. Frankly, I may crawl back into bed and considering what was on my mind this morning I am not sure that would defeat my purpose. Because the stillness seems to be bringing something out today that needs to come out, so maybe, just for today, I shouldn't fight it. I don't need to "function" until this evening so....may take advantage of the free time. And the engine is chankin' pretty good so...