Where Have I Been?!

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Good evening Sparkpeoples!

First of all, it has been WAY too long! I apologize for dropping off the face of the earth, I kind of just got to this weird point that I just couldn't handle it anymore, any of it, all of it, everything. I am now sitting at about 290lbs (as of last weigh in), this is the heaviest that I have ever been and honestly I am ashamed that I let myself get to this point, but that is irrelevant.

My health has been a roller coaster ride from hell, but I am still alive thus far, so there's that.

I turned 26 this past February and lost my insurance, found myself still poor and unable to work, so I have begun the tedious and nerve wracking process of applying for disability.

I was a full time Nanny for my youngest nephew (who is now almost 11 months old! ACK! They grow so fast!) for about 8 and a half months, I honestly loved it. However, when I lost insurance I could no longer afford the only medications that were even moderately helping, my health tanked rapidly, so I recently had to give up caring for him.

Yeah, so heart ripped out, kicked around, and stomped into the dirt. Sigh. I miss my little monkey.

Thus I find myself here, right here, standing at the edge of the field, ready to get back into the game. I need to lose weight so desperately it really isn't even funny. For instance, I look forward to being able to tie my shoes comfortably again and wear 3/4 of what I have in my closet, I have missed that.

I started by exercising yesterday, nothing crazy, nothing strenuous, just enough to remind myself that I have missed working out. I continued by exercising again today, still light, still simple, but a good start none the less. My struggle is still what it has always been, I just cannot seem to get my head out of the "I need to eat my body weight in all of that" space. I have set up for counting calories again (not with SP, sorry, easier for me to keep it on paper) and I have been trying to make little good decisions. Trying to trust the process and remember that little things matter too.

I am looking forwards to returning to the SP world and all of the people who have been a sounding board and support system in the past. So here I am, back in the game, more nervous than I have probably ever been, more determined too.

Let's do this!
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